Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Will someone please give us a good spray of Oust .............

[ROBERT M.]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... That was me." ............... ..................

[keithgood838]

Another occasion calling for a spray of Oust, Robert.

DO or DIE

A farmer was turning over a plot of his land
when he unearthed a body. He decided to phone
the museum and declared:
'I've just found the body of a man, 4000 years old,
who died of a heart attack.'
The incredulous curator demurred:
'Now hang on, how could you possibly know that,
we haven't even examined the remains yet!'
'Oh,' the farmer added, 'I forgot to tell you.
I found a betting slip in his pocket.
Written on it were the words:
"Everything I own on Goliath."'

[mariana44]

This comes with compliments of my neighbour-

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'


'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

[keithgood838]

Thanks for that chuckle-creating one, Marian(a). For a moment there
I thought we were getting a variation on the Rolf Harris song.

CONTRADICTORY CONUNDRUMS

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
(the growth department) is in the front line of the government
department jobs cutbacks.
David cameron is opposed to proportional representation
because it can create a coalition; an administration
hampered by the decisiveness it lacks ...

[4miler]

I phoned our builder today and said "Can I have a skip outside the house please?" He said "You can skip where you like" and put down the phone! I'm back!!!!!

[keithgood838]

UNGODLY GOLF

An Irish Catholic priest and a nun are taking
a rare afternoon off to enjoy a round of golf.
The priest steps up to the first tee and takes
a mighty swing. He misses the ball completely
and exclaims in anguish: 'Feck it, I missed!'
The good Sister tells him to moderate his language.
He unleashes another haymaker at the ball and misses again.
'Damn, I missed again!'
'Father, I'm not going to continue if you keep swearing,'
the nun asserts tartly.
The priest promises to be on his best behaviour
and the eventful round proceeds.
At the fourth tee, he misses again and the exasperated
swearing is repeated.
Sister Mary now loses patience and warns:
'Father John, God is going to strike you dead
if you keep mouthing expletives.'
On the next tee he swings and misses yet again:
'Feck, I missed!'
Immediately a frighteningly loud rumble is heard,
a massive lightning bolt hurtles out of the sky
and strikes Sister Mary dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice:
'Feck. I missed!'

Courtesy of Ed.

[keithgood838]

HARDWARE HAGGLE

All-American Andy was hanging a new door
when he found that one hinge was missing.
(Intriguing clash of verbs there, but we digress.)
He asked his amoral airhead wife Aphelia if she
would go to the home depot store (ironmongers)
and pick up the necessary hinge.
Aphelia complied and while waiting to be served
she caught sight of a sumptuous bathroom faucet.
(Interesting adjectival construction there because
the dictionary definition of a sump is, 'a bog, a puddle
or an engine oil reservoir ... sorry.)
When the sales assistant had dealt with his previous
customer he turned his attention to Aphelia who asked
him: 'How much is that faucet?'
'That's a gold-plated faucet and the price is $500.'
Aphelia exclaimed: 'My goodness, that is expensive;
it's certainly out of my price range.'
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Andy
needed. The sales assistant assured her the store had them
in stock and he disappeared into the stockroom to get one.
From there he yelled: 'Do you wanna screw for the hinge?'
Aphelia paused for a moment and replied:
'No, but I will for the faucet!'

Another gold-plated gag courtesy of Ed.

[ROBERT M.]

Clean hair



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Bob. The midget.

[ROBERT M.]

Daddy, how was I born?


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: .................................................................................................................................. ..............................................................................................................................................................................................."You got Male"

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Well Robert kids don't take in all that birds and bees rubbish now.

[keithgood838]

DRAFT DODGING

Military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee
from an army base. He took refuge in a nearby convent
where he spotted a nun sitting contemplatively in a courtyard.
'Quick Sister,' he urged. 'Hide me, I don't want to be drafted
and the military police are after me.'
The nun obligingly lifted her vestment and invited
the young man to hide under it.
'Sinewy legs for a nun,' he observed tactlessly
from beneath her holy habit.
'If you venture up a little farther you'll get a big surprise.
I'm trying to escape the draft, too.'

[keithgood838]

INVIDIOUS INHERITANCE

A married couple were also avid golfers.
The wife was feeling a bit neglected
and wanted reassurance that her husband still loved her.
'If I were to die tomorrow,' she announced cheerfully,
'would you give my jewellery to your new wife?'
'What a depressing thing to say,' complained the husband.
'But no, of course not.'
'And would you give her any of my clothes?'
'No honey, I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.'
'What about my golf clubs?'
'No, she's left-handed.'

[keithgood838]

CHUCKLES COURTESY OF CHILDREN

Teacher: 'Maria, go to the map and find North America.'
Maria: 'Here it is.'
Teacher: 'Correct. Now class who discovered America?'
Class: 'Maria.'

Teacher: 'John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?'
John: 'You told me to do it without using tables.'

Teacher: 'Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?'
Glenn: 'K.R.O.K.O.D.I.A.L'
Teacher: 'No, that's wrong.'
Glenn: 'Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.'

Teacher: 'Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?'
Donald: 'HIJKLMNO'
Teacher: 'What are you talking about?'
Donald: 'Yesterday you said it's H to O.'

Teacher: 'Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.'
Winnie: 'Me!'

Teacher: 'Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I' ...'
Millie: 'I is ...'
Teacher: 'No, Millie ... always say, "I am".'
Millie: 'All right ... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

Teacher: 'Now Simon, tell me frankly, do you say your prayers
before eating?'
Simon: 'No sir, I don't have to, my Mom's a very good cook.'

Teacher: 'Clyde, your composition on My Dog is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy it?'
Clyde: 'No sir, it's the same dog.'

Teacher: 'Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking
when people are no longer interested?'
Harold: 'A teacher.'

The above schoolroom gems actually come courtesy of Ed.

[mariana44]

They were funny--sounds like Ed is back on form !!