Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

'ELLO, 'ELLO.

I spotted a policeman on our street yesterday -
a cop out if ever there was one.

[keithgood838]

CIRCLES OF CONTUMELY

A farmer was pulled over by an officious traffic cop
for a minor driving offence. The overbearing officer
proceeded to deliver a patronising lecture about
safe driving, making the farmer feel like an errant
schoolboy. Finally he got round to writing the ticket
and was disconcerted by some flies circling his head.
'Ya disturbed by the circle flies, are ya?' enquired
the farmer.
'They're a damned nuisance,' lamented the officer,
'but I can't say I've ever heard of circle flies.'
'They are common on farms,' explained the farmer.
'Ya see, they are called circle flies because they're
usually found circling the back end of a horse.'
'Oh, I see,' replied the enlightened officer, but as the
penny dropped he exclaimed: 'Hang on a minute, are
you to calling me a horse's rear end?' (Clean-check
activated here.)
'Oh no, officer, I have too much respect for the police
to call you a horse's hindquarters.' (Clean-check etc.)
'That's all right then,' said the reassured officer
as he resumed his ticket writing.
After a pregnant pause the farmer added:
'There's no foolin' them flies, though.'

[ROBERT M.]

Keith, you wrote "Finally he got round to writing the ticket" ...........is it round or around ?

[karl]

Keith, you wrote "Finally he got round to writing the ticket" ...........is it round or around ?

I don't get your question Robert I just enjoyed Keith's joke.

[keithgood838]

That is a tricky question, Robert.
I think get 'round' in this context is a preposition,
ie get 'round' to doing the job. Get 'around' is a verb
that may mean movement. However, this is probably
an over- simplication; either can be justified in the
case of the joke.

[keithgood838]

To elaborate on Robert's question:

VERSATILITY in the ROUND

A round (noun) of Christmas drinks
kindly served, we gather round (preposition)
the round (adjective) tables at our port
(not the tipple) of call,
and marvel at how speedily our reunions
come round (adverb).
We are ships that have safely rounded (verb)
another year.

On a government memorandum circulating
in Whitehall during the eighties,
a not-so-civil servant wrote 'Round objects'
in disapproval. 'Who is Round?' enquired
Mrs T, 'and why does he object?'

[keithgood838]

THE SHATTERED SHIBBOLETH

As a follically challenged forum member and
avowed believer in nominative determinism
my faith was recently blown away
on learning that hair scientist David Balding's
breakthrough has only been to identify the gene
that makes our hair go grey.

[ROBERT M.]

The scientist has an apt surname Keith

[keithgood838]

Robert, it is uncanny how often a person's name matches
their profession, hence nominative determinism.

PROTECTED PROFILES

Officer, sternly, to private Black:
'I didn't see you at camouflage training last night.'
Private Black: 'Thank you, sir.'

During camouflage training a private was disguised
as a tree. However he made a sudden noise that was
noticed by a visiting general:
'Don't you know that by jumping and hollering like that
you endanger the lives of the entire company?'
'Sorry sir,' replied the contrite private, 'but I can explain.
You see, I stood still when a flock of pigeons used me for
target practice. And I didn't move when a large dog mistook
me for a lamppost and wet my lower branches. But when
two squirrels ran up the leg of my trousers and I heard the
bigger one say, "Let's have one now and save the other till
winter ... that did it!"'

[keithgood838]

TWO-UPMANSHIP

Three military men are introduced to each other.
One steps forward and declares: 'John Westwood,
General. Married. Two sons, both lawyers.'
The second salutes and says: 'Marcus Moore. General.
Married. Two sons, both lawyers.'
The third man stands his ground and asserts:
'William Smith. Lance corporal. Not married. Two sons,
both generals.'

[keithgood838]

Maintaining the military motif. (I think I am
addicted to alliteration.)

THE CLEAN-UP OPERATION

An army sergeant called home to tell his missus
he would be late home. He explained that dirty
magazines had been discovered at the battalion's
headquarters and he had to supervise the policing
of the area.
'Quite right too,' asserted his wife. 'Those magazines
are seedy and demeaning of women.'
'No darling,' explained her husband, 'dirty magazines
means the clips for their rifles had not been properly cleaned.'

[Eman]

LOL Nice Keith. LOL top form as usual!

[karl]

Keith you're on a roll

[keithgood838]

TUBULAR TEDIUM

I read my tablet on the London Underground
this morning; very boring - it simply said 'Aspirin'.

[ROBERT M.]

................mine said Paracetamol, Keith