This old man had this engraved on his deceased wife's headstone...............
"BENEATH THIS STONE MY WIFE DOES LIE
NOW SHE IS AT REST AND SO AM I"
Today's Joke
Re: Today's Joke
Henry H Puccinelli
Re: Today's Joke
Loved all these stories and gags, thanks for posting everyone 
Re: Today's Joke
All very funny and Henry your doctor one reminds me of a seaside postcard:
Doctor to young girl patient ''big breaths''
girl to doctor ''yeth and I'm only sixteen''
Doctor to young girl patient ''big breaths''
girl to doctor ''yeth and I'm only sixteen''
Re: Today's Joke
Good ones everyone. Keep 'em coming. 
Re: Today's Joke
MAGIC MOMENTS
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '
Re: Today's Joke
Test Answers:
We must give credit to the creative young minds among us.
These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body (e.g., abdomen) categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, tghe borax contains the hart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, EZ, I, O, and U
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section".
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is s turbine?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q. What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs.
We must give credit to the creative young minds among us.
These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body (e.g., abdomen) categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, tghe borax contains the hart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, EZ, I, O, and U
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section".
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is s turbine?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q. What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs.
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
RISE & FALL
A doctor puts his stethoscope
to an elderly lady's chest and exhorts:
'Big breaths.'
'Used to be,' she sighs wistfully.
Sorry Henry, I plead guilty
to unintended plagirism.
A doctor puts his stethoscope
to an elderly lady's chest and exhorts:
'Big breaths.'
'Used to be,' she sighs wistfully.
Sorry Henry, I plead guilty
to unintended plagirism.
Last edited by keithgood838 on Mon Aug 22, 2011 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Today's Joke
Hey are you pinching Henry's jokes? 
Re: Today's Joke
Nine Months Later!!!! Oh! Oh!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house al to myself, but I'm recently "widowed" she explained.
I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.
Don't worry, Jack said. We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected keetter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked.
Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?
Yes, I do.
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
Yes, Bob said, a lttile embarassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did,
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
Bob's face turned red and he said, Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?
She just died and left me three and a half million dollars.
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house al to myself, but I'm recently "widowed" she explained.
I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.
Don't worry, Jack said. We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected keetter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked.
Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?
Yes, I do.
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
Yes, Bob said, a lttile embarassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did,
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
Bob's face turned red and he said, Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?
She just died and left me three and a half million dollars.
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
STANDING IN LINE
When all of humanity was dead
and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and announced:
'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for men who were true heads
of their household, and the other line
for men who were dominated by their women.
And I want all the women to report to St Peter.'
The women duly disappeared and only the two
lines of men were left.
The dominated-by-their-wives line
was hundreds of miles long, and a lone male
comprised the head-of-household line.
God admonished the long line of chastened men:
'You are right to feel ashamed; I created you
to be the head of your families; you have been
disobedient and have failed to fulfil your purpose.
Of all of you, only one man obeyed; learn from him.'
Turning to the paragon of obeisance God enquired:
'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
'My wife told me to stand here.'
When all of humanity was dead
and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and announced:
'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for men who were true heads
of their household, and the other line
for men who were dominated by their women.
And I want all the women to report to St Peter.'
The women duly disappeared and only the two
lines of men were left.
The dominated-by-their-wives line
was hundreds of miles long, and a lone male
comprised the head-of-household line.
God admonished the long line of chastened men:
'You are right to feel ashamed; I created you
to be the head of your families; you have been
disobedient and have failed to fulfil your purpose.
Of all of you, only one man obeyed; learn from him.'
Turning to the paragon of obeisance God enquired:
'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
'My wife told me to stand here.'
Re: Today's Joke
HE'S MY BROTHER
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and walked to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly but they aren't for me they're for him he's my brother, he's four, we saw on the tv that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and walked to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly but they aren't for me they're for him he's my brother, he's four, we saw on the tv that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
STICKING TO SCRIPT
A fire broke out in the foyer of a theatre,
which was being refurbished. On seeing the flames
one of the decorators leapt into action and threw
his coat over the seat of the fire.
His apprentice did likewise, explaining to his mentor:
'I thought it needed a second coat.'
A fire broke out in the foyer of a theatre,
which was being refurbished. On seeing the flames
one of the decorators leapt into action and threw
his coat over the seat of the fire.
His apprentice did likewise, explaining to his mentor:
'I thought it needed a second coat.'
Re: Today's Joke
Was he Irish, Keithkeithgood838 wrote:STICKING TO SCRIPT
His apprentice did likewise, explaining to his mentor:
'I thought it needed a second coat.'
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Nice humorous try, Robert. However, no self-respecting
Paddy would be seen dead doing poncey work such as
decorating; no, they prefer macho, sophisticated stuff
such as infrastructure: building houses, bridges and roads
etc.
Forgive me if I have previously posted the following joke;
I think it will bear re-telling:
THE LITERARY LABOURER
Paddy applied for a job on a building site.
'Do you know the difference between a joist
and a girder?' asked the foreman.
'No,' replied Paddy, 'but I know Goethe wrote Faust
and Joyce wrote Ulysses.'
PS Predictably, this particular job application
was unsuccessful.
Paddy would be seen dead doing poncey work such as
decorating; no, they prefer macho, sophisticated stuff
such as infrastructure: building houses, bridges and roads
etc.
Forgive me if I have previously posted the following joke;
I think it will bear re-telling:
THE LITERARY LABOURER
Paddy applied for a job on a building site.
'Do you know the difference between a joist
and a girder?' asked the foreman.
'No,' replied Paddy, 'but I know Goethe wrote Faust
and Joyce wrote Ulysses.'
PS Predictably, this particular job application
was unsuccessful.