Today's Joke

[Marian]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation's capital.
The search for a virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

This was sent by an American friend, so I'm not getting at our U.S. friends!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Funnily enough we have just had an e-mail from our American friend in Pennsylvania and will be talking to her tomorrow, but we know without a doubt that she wouldn't be offended and would totally agree with this.

[keithgood838]

Good one, Marian. Your American friend is blessed
with a broadminded sense of humour, like the Irish.
I offer the following observation in the same spirit:

MATERNAL MONOPLOY

There is a school of thought whose contention
is that we refer to English as our mother tongue
because our fathers rarely get a chance to use it.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Whaat !!!! I don't beleeve it

[keithgood838]

Here's further affirmation of the Irish
sense of humour, L&H:

ANVIL ASPIRANT

Paddy applied for a job at his local smithy:
'Have you had any experience of shoeing horses?'
enquired the blacksmith.
'No,' replied Paddy brightly,
'but I once told a donkey to feck off.'

[keithgood838]

PAYING 'N' PLAYING

Four avid, but not very gifted, golfers were enjoying
their usual weekend hack around their local course.
One player mooted the appealing prospect of waking up
and rolling out of bed without acrimony on Christmas morning
and meeting up to enjoy a traffic-free round.
His mates chorused their endorsement of the idea:
'Let's do it; we'll find a way of convening here on Christmas morning.'
Months later all four arrived on the first tee.
One of the foursome exclaimed: 'Boy, this cost me a fortune;
I had to bribe my wife with a diamond ring - she can't take
her eyes off it.'
The second concurred: 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too.
My missus is at home planning the cruise I promised her;
she's up to her eyes in brochures.
The third chipped in (no pun intended): 'My wife is at home
studying the manual of her new car.'
They all then turned to the last player in the group
who was staring at them in gobsmacked incredulity:
'I can't believe you all went to such expense just to play golf.
I slapped my wife on the backside and asserted:
'"Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf."'
She regarded me with that cryptic expression of hers and declared:
'You'll need a jumper!'

[Gray]

These are brilliant

[keithgood838]

We love appreciative readers, Gray. Here's another
I hope you'll enjoy:

TACTILE THERAPY

Eileen and her husband attended counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what they thought the source of their marital unhappiness was,
Eileen embarked on a passionate, painful tirade, listing
every bone of contention between them during their years together.
She complained about neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness,
feeling unloved; a laundry list of unmet needs she had endured
since the couple got married.
Finally, having indulged this catalogue of complaints,
the therapist left his chair, walked around his desk,
and having asked Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned
her blouse, undid her bra, put his hands on her breasts
and proceeded to massage them thoroughly, while kissing
her passionately, as husband Bob watched with raised eyebrows.
Eileen had been rendered speechless, she buttoned her blouse
and sat quietly basking in the subsequent glow of high arousal.
The therapist turned to Bob and declared:
'This is what your wife needs three times a week.
Can you manage it?'
Bob pondered the proposition for a moment and replied:
'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays I play golf.'

[karl]

[Lena & Harry Smith]

My Irish hairdresing friend is Eileen Keith, and always uses the word... fecking , this will crack her up. Although she has never been to a councellor, she's had a few knocks in her car.

[keithgood838]

Glad you enjoyed them Karl, L&H.

POLITICAL PERSPECTIVES

An inquisitive small boy asks his dad:
'What is politics?'
'Son, the best way to explain it is like this:
I am head of the family, so call me prime minister.
Your mother is the household administrator,
so call her the government. We take care of your needs,
so will call you the people. We will regard the nanny
as the working class, and we will see your little brother
as the future.'
Later that night the small boy hears his little brother crying
and he gets out of bed to check on him. He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So he goes to his parents' room only to find his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room
and finds the door is locked. Upon peeking through the keyhole
he sees his father in bed with the nanny. He heaves a sigh
of resignation and goes back to bed.
Next morning the small boy says to his dad:
'I think I now understand how politics works.'
'Good son, smiles his dad, 'tell me how you see it.'
'The prime minister is screwing the working class
while the government is sound asleep. The people are being
ignored, and the future is in deep s....'

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Keith................and probably a true summing up by the small boy ...........

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very good Keith, but very delicately put in comparison to what most of us think.

[Gray]

I went into the attic last night to get the decorations down and found a present I had bought the kids last year but had forgotten to give them.

I am really gutted about it as they would of loved a kitten.

[keithgood838]

Anything for a laugh, even at the expense of the Irish.

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

MEDICAL TERM -------------- IRISH DEFINITION

Artery --------------- The study of paintings
Bacteria ------------- Back door to cafeteria
Barium -------------- What doctors do when patients die
Benign -------------- What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section --- A district in Rome
Cat scan ------------ Searching for Kitty
Cauterise ------------ Made eye contact with her
Colic ---------------- A sheep dog
Coma --------------- A punctuation mark
Dilate --------------- To live long
Enema -------------- Not a friend
Fester -------------- Quicker than someone else
Fibula -------------- A small lie
Impotent ------------Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain --------- Getting injured at work
Medical Staff -------- A doctor's cane
Morbid -------------- A higher offer
Nitrates ------------- Rates of pay for working nights
Node --------------- I knew it
Outpatient --------- A person who has fainted
Pelvis -------------- Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative ----- A letter carrier
Recovery Room ----- A place to do upholstery
Rectum ------------ Nearly killed him
Secretion ---------- Hiding something
Seizure ------------ Roman Emporer
Tablet ------------- A small table
Terminal Illness ----- Getting sick at the airport
Tumour ------------ One plus two more
Urine -------------- Opposite of you're out