Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

CONCERNING CAMPANOLOGY
(The Sequel)

Notwithstanding the distressing loss of the armless
auditionee, the bishop was compelled to continue
his interviews for the position of replacement Notre Dame
cathedral bellringer.
He was approached by an applicant who informed him:
'I am the was the brother of the armless wretch
who fell to his death from this very belfry.
I pray that you will honour his premature demise
by allowing me to replace him.'
The bishop agreed to grant the man an audition;
as the armless man's brother picked up a mallet
to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest,
twirled ominously, and died on the spot.
Two monks, on hearing the bishop's anguished cries,
rushed up the stairs to the belfry to be at his side:
'What has happened? Who is this unfortunate man?'
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop,
'but he's a dead ringer for his brother.'

[keithgood838]

PETITE PET

I have taken a leaf (non-political) out of Ken Livingstone's
book: I have acquired a pet newt. I call him Tiny (not Ken)
because he is my newt.

HORSES for COURSES

What's the difference between a warhorse
and a drayhorse?
A warhorse darts into the fray,
whereas a drayhorse ...

[keithgood838]

Creature capers continued ...

PUNCTUATION INSPIRATION

A giant panda walked into a restaurant. He ordered
some food, ate it, then pulled a gun and blew the waiter's
brains out. Alerted by the shots, the manager appeared
just as the panda was making his way out the door.
'Hey you!' yelled the manager. 'You just shot my waiter.
Where do you think you're going?'
The beast replied calmly: 'I'm a panda. Look it up in the
dictionary.'
When the panda had disappered, the manager thumbed
through his dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said:
'Furry animal. lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves.'



PS This story provided the title of Lynne Truss's
excellent book on the subject of punctuation.
PPS In today's paper, Chad Harbach, the brains
behind Waterstones dropped apostrophe is quoted
as saying bizarrely: 'There's altogether too much
punctuation in the world.'

[keithgood838]

CRI DE COUER
(with apologies to Pete Seeger)

Where have all Today's Jokes gone?
Long time passing.
Where have all Today's Jokes gone?
Long time ago;
where have all Today's Jokes gone?
Long time passing every one;
when will the jokes return?
will the jokes ever return?

[karl]

Oh My times are hard when you are pinching words from Pete Seeger, to think it used to be the other way around!!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Look no further, the jokes are in the House of Commons.

[keithgood838]

INTELLIGENT DESIGN

An exasperated husband enquired of his wife:
'How can you be so stupid and so beautiful simultaneously?'
'Let me explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me. He made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you,' she responded icily.

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

Glad you liked it, Robert. Though I'm not sure
that we should be celebrating such anti-male
sexist stuff. Here's one that's more up our street:

A TALE OF TWO HAIRCUTS

A man and a small boy entered a barber's shop together.
The smiling barber asked: 'What can I do for you?'
'I'll have a shave, shampoo and haircut, please,'
said the man.
When the barber had finished his tonsorial labour
of love, the man put the boy in the chair and explained
to the barber that he was popping out for a paper.
The barber duly finished the boy's haircut, but there
was still no sign of the of the adult returning.
'Looks like your dad's forgotten all about you,'
joked the barber.
'Oh, he's not my dad,' the boy asserted.
'He just grabbed me outside your shop and said:
"Come on, boy, you and I are going to get
a free haircut"'

[keithgood838]

SHOEBOX SENTIMENTALITY

An elderly couple's diamond wedding anniversary celebrations
were muted by the wife being diagnosed with terminal illness.
Life can cruelly show its perverse side, or as Frank sang it:
'Ridin' high in April, shot down in May.'
The couple had shared everything; they had discussed everything;
they had kept no secrets from each other except for a shoebox
the old lady kept in a closet, which she cautioned her husband
never to open or question her about. He duly never gave the
matter another thought.
As part of the sad process of putting their affairs in order,
the little old man removed the shoe box and took it to his wife's
bedside. She agreed that it was time he was apprised of the
box's contents. Inside he was nonplussed to find two knitted
dolls and £80.000 in cash.
'When we married,' she informed him, 'my grandmother told me
that the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue.
If I did get angry with you I should keep quiet and knit a doll.'
The old guy found himself fighting back tears; he felt gratified
to know that throughout their 60 years of living and loving together
she had only been angry with him on two occasions.
'Honey,' he murmured, while swallowing hard, ' that explains
the dolls, but where did all that money come from?'
'Oh,' she replied matter-of-factly,
'I accumulated that through selling the dolls.'

[Sandra]

great punchline

[karl]

What did the old man do with the legacy I wonder?

[keithgood838]

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

An affluent gentleman is walking down the street
when he is accosted by shabby-looking homeless
man who asks him for a couple of pounds to buy food.
The gentleman takes out his wallet, extracts a ten-pound
note and insists: 'If I give you this money, I want you
to buy some beer with it instead of dinner.'
'No,' replies the beggar indignantly, 'I gave up drinking
years ago.'
'Then I want you to spend it on a round of golf.'
'Are you mad, I haven't played golf for years.'
'In that case,' says the conditional good Samaritan,
'I'll take you home for a shower and a succulent meal
cooked by my wife.'
The down-and-out is astounded:
'Won't your wife be furious with you?'
'That's okay, it's important for her to see what becomes
of a man after he has given up drinking and golf.'

[keithgood838]

PADDY'S PICKLE

Paddy Murphy enters a Dublin pub looking like
he'd been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,
his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised,
and he is walking with a limp.
'What in the name of Jaysus happened to you?'
an incredulous Sean the barman exclaims.
'Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight,' replies Paddy.
'That little so-and-so, O'Connor,' spat Sean.
'He couldn't have done that you without some kind
of weapon; he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' asserts Paddy. 'Sure a shovel is what
he had, and he gave me a terrible shellacking with it.'
'And why didn't you defend yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand.'
'Indeed I did,' replies a distraught Paddy.
'Mrs O'Connor' breast, a thing of beauty but of no use
whatever in a fight.'

[karl]

In the words of Kojak that's a tsk, tsk and a naughty, naughty!!!