Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

I CAN see the difference between Jonathon and Paul Ross............but NOT Tim and Jeremy Vine

[Marian]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose
my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

[karl]

[Sandra]

I agree Karl -loads of good ones lately

[karl]

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"... and be ready for China.

In order to continue getting-by in China, we need to learn English the way it is spoken.... ...... ......

Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe YOU as a hotel guest and room-service today....

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service@ " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guestd: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest:".... What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! Hos do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled please."

Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guestd: "Crisp will be fine.!

Room Service: "Hokay. an sahn toes?"

Guest: "I...Don't think so.."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

Room Service: "TYoes! Toes!...Why Yoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "WNo, just put the botter on the side./"

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter..,just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse Me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please...And that's everything,"

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish
moppin, we botter on sigh and copy...Rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS.... and you do, don't you....... eveno, go fak ohsell..he he he.

In closing I must add I personally had an encounter like this returning from The Far East when the flight attendant woke me for breakfast many years ago, but that's another story!

[keithgood838]

Tanjooberrymutts for dat rubbery jok, Karl.

COMPUTER CALAMITY
(A Little One's lament)

The computer swallowed grandpa,
Yes, honestly it's true!
He pressed control and enter
And disappeared from view.
It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm,
He must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine;
The reply was in the negative,
Not a thing was found online.
So if inside your inbox
My grandpa you should see,
Please copy, scan and paste him
And send him back to me.

[keithgood838]

IMPROPER PERSPECTIVES

Three Paddies are sitting in a pub window seat
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
A local Methodist pastor enters sheepishly.
'Would you look at that,' exclaims the first Irishman.
'Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are.'
No sooner are his condemnatory comments uttered
than a rabbi appears, knocks at the house of shame's door,
and goes inside.
'Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching
and silly hats,' declares the second Paddy.
They continue their drinking while wallowing in their
holier-than-thou disparagement of the pastor and rabbi.
Then they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
'Ah now, sure dat's very sad,' asserts the third Irishman.
'One of those poor girls must have died.'

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

ADVERTISING ACUMEN

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship,
ethnicity irrelevant. I'm a very good girl who
loves to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pick-up truck, hunting, camping
and fishing trips, and cosy winter nights lying
by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work and I'll be wearing
only what nature blessed me with ...
Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie -
I'll be waiting ...



Over 150 men phoned and found themselves talking
to the Truro RSPCA which placed an advert in
The Cornish Guardian in an attempt to re-home
a lovable black labrador.

[keithgood838]

ABSENT FRIEND

Gray, please come back,
all is forgiven;
we're on the rack,
by concerns riven.
No need to write
grand verse to tell
us you're all right -
on sabbatical.

[Gray]

Hi Keith

Thank you so much for your verse, dear Marion contacted me and mentioned you had posted a little something, it is lovely to read your message

I am fine thankyou, had a little scare (healthwise) with my dad and so have been a little side tracked, but things are on the mend and hope to contribute more to the forum from now on!

Hope you are good!

Thanks very much again!

[keithgood838]

ALL ABOARD

As we welcome our crew member on board,
his place, shortly vacated, now restored
thanks to an officer's kind intervention,
this cyberspaceship flies happily on ...

TWO BY TWO
(A la Teyvat Noah)

Two retired racehorses meet again at a horse sanctuary.
One looks at the other and remarks:
'I can't remember your mane, but your pace is familiar ...'

Two lions are walking through a shopping centre.
One says to the other: 'This place seems deserted;
the recession must be worse than we thought.'

[keithgood838]

PECULIAR PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store
when he was taken aback by a funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A hearse was followed by a second one,
and behind that came a solitary man walking
a dog on a lead. Behind them were about 200
men walking in single file.
Unable to contain his curiosity, the shopper
respectfully approached the man walking the dog
and enquired: 'Forgive my presumptuousness at this
difficult time, but I've never encountered a funeral
like this one. Who is the deceased?
'My Wife.'
'What happened to her?'
'She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.'
'And the second hearse?'
'My mother-in-law intervened to help my wife
and the dog turned on her.'
A poignant moment of unspoken brotherhood passed
between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

[karl]

Actually I don't find that funny as an old man was attacked by a dog just recently.