Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Hold on, !!! was there a New Moon last night. :

[keithgood838]

Hi Karl
I assume that you were reprising the breaking news joke:
MAN BITES DOG, but slightly transposed your word order?

[karl]

NO Keith, there are some things I don't find funny and being attacked by a dog is one of them, there was a story as I said just last week of an old man attacked by a pit bull.

I realise you would not want to cause offence with your joke but things like that happen too often.

[keithgood838]

Hi Karl
I think humour is a release valve; a way of enabling us
to cope with 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune'
life throws at us. Here is a humorous verse I have just composed;
I trust it will not offend anyone trying to lose weight:

INDOLENCE INDICATED
(with tongue in cheek)

If walking worked wonders for wellbeing
postmen would live forever;
a whale's gym is the sea; he dines on fish
yet he amasses blubber.
The rabbit revels in the racy life
but of a circumscribed span;
tortoise longevity destroys the myth
that work-outs win years for man.

[Gray]

Love it, Keith.
Very clever.

[Marian]

Great, Keith!

[Eman]

Awesome Sauce Keith!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Nice one Keith

[Gray]

Recipe for a Glasgow Christmas cake

1 cup of water
tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker whisky
2 cups of dried fruit

Method

Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and put in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl through the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.

[karl]

Brilliant Gray, my neighbour is great at playing a drunk and could win an oscar for his performance - he has me in tears of laughter with his routine!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny Gray. Somehow got me thinking of Freddy Frinton.

[keithgood838]

TRAVELLER'S TRAVAILS

'Much have I travelled in the realms of gold'
but I've never been in Cahoots;
I'm told one cannot go there alone.
Nor have I been in Cognito - even
anonymity-cloaked there, my hand would still be shown.
I have, however, been in Sane,
driven there by well-meaning colleagues again and again.
I would like to visit Conclusions
but I'm put off by the bureaucratic barriers one has to jump
only to find oneself arriving at unscheduled destinations.
I have often been in Doubt; it has an atmosphere
that can depress. I've been in Flexible, but I only went there
to restore my powers of personal resoluteness.
(I sometimes find myself in Capable with my late-life failings showing.)
One of my favourite places to be
is in Suspense; I find it gets the adrenalin flowing
and is generally stimulating for me.
Then I tend to think I am in Vincible only,
in the reality of dawn, to find it is a self-deluding dream.
People keep telling me they've seen me in Denial,
but I say that appearances are not always what they seem.
I've been in Discriminate, waking to the smell of strange beds,
but the moral laxity of the place has lost its hedonistic allure.
My wife and I used to stay at Loggerheads
but our trips there have become ever fewer.
I am no longer heedful of the urge to roam,
swapping formulas one and two racing in Continence
for the staycation conveniences of home ...

[keithgood838]

DEATHWISH DELIVERED

An affluent, but miserly, husband instructed
his wife regarding his end of life arrangements:
'I want you to liquidate all of my assets, gather
all the cash together and put it in my coffin.
I'm taking my money with me.'
In the event he predeceased her and as the undertaker
was about to seal the coffin lid she entreated:
'Wait a moment, please.'
She then placed a container beside her husband's
body in the coffin. Her best friend watched in dismay:
'Don't tell me you carried out his instructions to
liquidate all of his assets.'
'Yes,' replied the dutiful wife, 'however since I knew
there wouldn't be enough room for such vast amounts of cash,
I decided to deposit his entire fortune in my bank account
and write him a cheque for the full amount.'

[Gray]

Serves him right!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Clever wife.