FOR ALL MY ITALIAN FRIENDS & THOSE WHO ARE NOT
An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave his secretary a sum of money and asked herh to go to Italy and have the baby thre.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of the child's expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. Sic months went by and then one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you've received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe and I don't understand what it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home and I will esplain it to you". Later that evening the attorney came home, read the postcad and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics arrived and took him to the ER. The lead medic stayed behind to comfort his wife. He asked. "What trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest?"
So the wife picked up the card and read aloud, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs and two without."
Today's Joke
Re: Today's Joke
That is very funny Karl 
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
Re: Today's Joke
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST
A 7 year- old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year-old is explaining that it is about time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this mornng, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themsevles at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year-old replies, Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some pancakes."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Pancakes!"
A 7 year- old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year-old is explaining that it is about time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this mornng, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themsevles at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year-old replies, Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some pancakes."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Pancakes!"
Last edited by karl on Sun Apr 15, 2012 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Today's Joke
Karl you are killing me! Great stuff
Re: Today's Joke
Well you can bet your ass there's more to follow, just wait until I get back from Cheshire!!!!
Re: Today's Joke
LOL...looking forward to it!!!
Re: Today's Joke
This just arrived in my mailbox so I thought I'd share it with you before I leave on my short trip.
THE PHONE CALL
*Rrrriiiinnnggg, rrriiinnngg*
**Hello?**
**Hi Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is mommy near the phone?**
**No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.**
**Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.**
Brief Pause
**Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.**
**Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girls come back to the phone**
**I did it, Daddy**
**And what happened, honey?**
**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!**
**Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?**
**He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**Swimming Pool?............**
**Is this 486-5731?**
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
THE PHONE CALL
*Rrrriiiinnnggg, rrriiinnngg*
**Hello?**
**Hi Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is mommy near the phone?**
**No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.**
**Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.**
Brief Pause
**Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.**
**Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girls come back to the phone**
**I did it, Daddy**
**And what happened, honey?**
**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!**
**Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?**
**He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**Swimming Pool?............**
**Is this 486-5731?**
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
Re: Today's Joke
LOL!!! Karl, you are gonna be the death of me. Great thing to start the workday with a laugh!! Thanks!!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Here are a few giggles to tide you over
till Karl comes back from Cheshire:
Register Entries at a South African Hospital
(aw bless, work pressures have a lot to answer for)
(1) Examination of genitalia reveals that it is circus sized
(2) The patient has no previous history of suicides
(3) Patient has left white blood cells in another hospital
(4) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but husband states
she was very hot in bed last night
(5) Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side
for over a year
(6) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared
(7) The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in !993
(8) Discharge status: alive but without my permission
(9) Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia at lunch
(10) She went numb from her toes down
(11) While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home
(12) Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid
(13) She stated she had constipation for most of her life,
until she got a divorce
(14) The patient refused autopsy
(15) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
till Karl comes back from Cheshire:
Register Entries at a South African Hospital
(aw bless, work pressures have a lot to answer for)
(1) Examination of genitalia reveals that it is circus sized
(2) The patient has no previous history of suicides
(3) Patient has left white blood cells in another hospital
(4) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but husband states
she was very hot in bed last night
(5) Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side
for over a year
(6) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared
(7) The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in !993
(8) Discharge status: alive but without my permission
(9) Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia at lunch
(10) She went numb from her toes down
(11) While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home
(12) Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid
(13) She stated she had constipation for most of her life,
until she got a divorce
(14) The patient refused autopsy
(15) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
Re: Today's Joke
Keith between you and Karl, you guys are making me snicker at my desk..
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Thanks, Eman. Here's a snippet of news
taken from the yesterday's Guardian:
CUTTING CONCERNS
Nigel Cutting's home, in Happisburgh on the Norfolk
coastline, is in precipitous danger from sea erosion,
which is salami slicing the land in front of his house.
Piling on the misery, the local council has cut the ground
from under him by deeming him ineligible for financial
help under the Coastal Pathfinder Scheme. Something
to do with his traveller status and the timing of his
house purchase. Unsurprisingly, Mr Cutting is not a
happy burgher.
However, nominative determinism writ large I feel.
taken from the yesterday's Guardian:
CUTTING CONCERNS
Nigel Cutting's home, in Happisburgh on the Norfolk
coastline, is in precipitous danger from sea erosion,
which is salami slicing the land in front of his house.
Piling on the misery, the local council has cut the ground
from under him by deeming him ineligible for financial
help under the Coastal Pathfinder Scheme. Something
to do with his traveller status and the timing of his
house purchase. Unsurprisingly, Mr Cutting is not a
happy burgher.
However, nominative determinism writ large I feel.
Re: Today's Joke
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they have have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all ageed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happeed. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Thyen, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God abvsolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.
Meanwhile the Jewish commuinity were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe. "first he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy so I said to him, "Up yours!"" Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him. "Mr Pope, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows," said Moishe, "he took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they have have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all ageed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happeed. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Thyen, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God abvsolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.
Meanwhile the Jewish commuinity were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe. "first he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy so I said to him, "Up yours!"" Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him. "Mr Pope, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows," said Moishe, "he took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Re: Today's Joke
Karl and Keith LMBO!! You guys should hit the road as a team!!!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
FEMALE FAULTLINES
Woman has MAN in it
Mrs has MR in it
Female has MALE in it
She has HE in it
Madam has ADAM in it
Women's Gender Worries
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnaecologist
HISterectomy
Woman has MAN in it
Mrs has MR in it
Female has MALE in it
She has HE in it
Madam has ADAM in it
Women's Gender Worries
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnaecologist
HISterectomy
Re: Today's Joke
Keith, I'm laughing at my desk but I better keep it down..if the women say what I was laughing at, i'd probably go MEN-tal with their complaints. (Sorry I couldn't resist). Love you jokes!