Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

CRISIS CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was involved
in a serious car accident and went into a coma.
When she emerged she discovered she was
no longer pregnant.
'It's all right,' explained the doctor, 'you've
had twins; a girl and a boy.'
'Oh that's a relief,' she replied, 'are they okay?'
'Yes fine, but because they were poorly at birth
we had to have them christened immediately.
Your brother Paddy provided the names.'
'Oh jasus, not that eejit, what names did he give them?'
'He named the girl Denise.'
'Oh, that's a lovely name,' purred the heartened sister.
'What did he call the boy?'
'Denephew.'

[Eman]

[keithgood838]

REARGUARD REACTION

A sedentary husband with his feet up
calls to his dutiful wife:
'When I die, I'm going to leave everything to you
my love.'
She retorts: 'You already do, you lazy .......!'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

More jokes for hairdresser Eileen to take with her to County Clare next week Keith.

[keithgood838]

CONTRACTIONS CONCERNS

Paddy thunders frantically into the phone:
'My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!'
'Is this your first child?' enquires the doctor.
'No!' bellows Paddy, 'this is her husband!'

[Eman]

LOL You are killing me Keith!!

[Gray]

Keith, gosh you cheer me up

[karl]

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this without laughing then there's no hope for you.

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better, For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

The notes are from an Inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting form Canada.

Frank: "Recently, lI was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-out. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and. besides, they told lme I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the score cards from the event (Frank is Judge #3)

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Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
_________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smoth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

_________________________________________________________________

Chii # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
_________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- Smokey, wth a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

_________________________________________________________________

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
_________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill . My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid poinded me en the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer

_________________________________________________________________

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping acorss my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb broad is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_________________________________________________________________

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
__________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shreded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a stong statement

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemded offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

_________________________________________________________________
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUdge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion and garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous. sulphuric flames. I shit myself whenj I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I though. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone

_________________________________________________________________
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
__________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye. and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

__________________________________________________________________

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
__________________________________________________________________

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili

Contest Over

[Eman]

Karl you kill me!!

[keithgood838]

MADE ME DIE LAUGHING
(with apologies to Charles Fox
and Norman Gimbel, & Eman)

I heard Karl wrote a good joke,
I heard he had a style,
so I clicked on to read him,
to giggle for a while,
I thought that he would finish
but he just kept right on,
tickling my ribs with his humour,
bringing glad tears to my eyes,
laughing me to death with his joke,
laughing me to death with his joke ...

[karl]

And I think I am Killing Eamon Softly but it's not intentional,

Keith thank you for the little tribute!

[Eman]

Keith and Karl , in bed with a a virus of some sort with a sore throat! The jokes are just what I need to smile so keep em comin!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Never tried Chilli Karl, and never will now.

[karl]

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there, and indicated the sender with a nod oof his head.

She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a repley to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in he bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty millions dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

[keithgood838]

MISNOMER

It's a strange name, Chilli,
for food that is hot;
it seems almost as silly
as 'ice warms the pot'.