Today's Joke

[Eman]

LOL Karl, that's freaking funny!!

[keithgood838]

FAILSAFE FIREWALLS

The Israelis are developing an airport security system
that dispels privacy concerns arising from full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not x-ray you
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your
person. Therefore should you be at Tel Aviv airport terminal
and hear a muffled explosion followed by an announcement
that a seat is suddenly available on flight 607 to London,
you will know what has happened.



PS Desperate times ...

[Eman]

LOL!!! Keith...yep a sign of the times

[Marian]

The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sheriff deputy’s standing there.
“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”
“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
“Sir, I'm very sorry.... but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”



The old man says, “I've known that for some time son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”

[karl]

Luv it!

[Eman]

Marian, LOL..love it , love it, love it!!

[ROBERT M.]

Blonde Joke

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" ................

[Marian]

[keithgood838]

DIGITAL DIAGNOSIS

A doctor invites a blonde patient to enter
his consulting room.
'Doctor, I hurt all over,' she complains.
She touches herself on her leg and winces.
'Ouch! I hurt there.' She touches her earlobe.
'Ouch! I hurt there too.' She touches her hair.
'Ouch!' Even my hair hurts.'
The doctor declares matter-of-factly:
'You've got a broken finger.'

[Eman]

LOL!!! Poor blondes always the butt of the jokes..LOL!!

[ROBERT M.]

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." ................

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Thanks for all the laughs...

[karl]

[karl]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign

London lawyer says, ' I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, ' Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!

London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop. I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket!'

Glasgow cop says. 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the c**p out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[Eman]