Food for Thought

[Lena & Harry Smith]

A few quotes from WC Fields who was known to enjoy a drink or Two.

.. It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
..Once during prohibition I was forced to live on nothing but food and water.
.. I believe in tying the knot, as long as it's round the womans neck.
.. Woman are like Elephants, nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
...My doctor insists that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they they force down helpless babies.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
..I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally.

[Marian]

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"


A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:


Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.



Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?



The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.


P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we acc umulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"

[Pam]

Oh Marian,

I love that story. I figure as long as I am healthy and my husband likes the way I look, I have it made.

Pam

[Lena & Harry Smith]

That's right girls, look again in the mirror, do a twirl and sing ... " I love You Just The Way You Are. "

[Marian]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
(as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR...

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS THAT HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

[keithgood838]

Hi Marian
I posted a version of these ambiguities on Authors' Annexe
on 13 July courtesy of Ed. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery. Or as Sam Goldwyn said, 'De ja vu all over again.'
Keith

[Marian]

I had read some of them before Keith but I didn't think I'd seen them all before. They were sent to me a friend in the U.S. just this morning.
Marian

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very good Marian, and a lot of questions to be answered in those.

[Marian]

Inner Peace


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!









And you thought I was going to get all spiritual

[mariana44]

I have seen this one before--long before I had my dogs--I know now just how true it is !!

[Pam]

I love it

[Marian]

Thanks Pam.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Oh to be perfect. fraid i'm not.

[mariana44]

My sister Jill, has just had the awful news that her 15 year old LLhasa Apso dog, Holly, has a tumour in one of her back legs-at the moment, she is on Painkillers, but how long that will be for, we do not know.

So this anonymous piece is for Jill and Holly, plus her other dogs that she had in the past, and for everyone else who has ever lost a faithful and loving friend.

Rainbow Bridge
by
Author Unknown

Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown

[john]

Thanks for posting that Marian, it is a lovely piece.