Today's Joke

cmartin_ok · Post by **cmartin_ok** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:41 pm

keithgood838 wrote:A novel is a work of fiction Marian(a), dictionary definition:
a feigned or false story. Now let us be ageist instead:

LOVEMAKING FOR SENIORS
......
(snip)

Keith

Dare I ask what is size 12 ???

usafret · Post by **usafret** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 1:05 am

TO CMARTIN.
I SCANNED YOUR PHOTOS AND MUST SAY THEY ARE VERY GOOD.
ESPECIALLY OF THE CATS.
ED

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:52 am

Hi Chris
I guess that sometimes unintended humour
is the funniest of all.

I can't even claim my
blunder was a way of underlining the content
of my post; I simply failed to remove the embarrassing
infiltrator.
Keith

Gray · Post by **Gray** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 6:48 pm

Ed/Keith

Very funny series of posts.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 7:14 pm

We are glad you were amused, Gray.
The following three-point plan to solve
our economic problems is put forward,
with tongue very much in cheek,
by our good friend, Ed:

There are five million people in the British workforce
aged over 50. Give each of them Â£1million
with the following strings attached:

(1) They leave their jobs. Five million vacancies
created - unemployment fixed.

(2) They buy a new car. Five million new cars ordered -
motor industry fixed.

(3) They either buy a new house or pay off their mortgage -
housing crisis fixed.

Surely a vastly less expensive use of taxpayers' money
than giving billions to greedy bankers who simply use it
to balance their books. President Obama please copy.

Keith

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 8:49 pm

That sounds an excellent idea Ed and Keith.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:26 am

Hi Marian
Ed and I seem to be developing into a sort of
literary comedy duo - I think I play the straight man.
Absolutely no pun intended!
Keith

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 2:08 pm

NO EAR FOR VIOLIN

While rummaging in the loft for old vinyl records recently,
I unearthed a dust-coated painting of sunflowers and
a cobwebbed violin.
I took them to be appraised by an expert in objet d'art.
He concluded that I was the proud possessor of a Stradivarius
and a Van Gogh. However, he elucidated:
'Unfortunately, Stradivarius was cack-handed at putting
brush to canvas, and Van Gogh made tuneless violins.'

Keith

PS The old ones are truly time-tested.

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:56 pm

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.....

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 12:04 am

Even though half of them were bald I expect.

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:34 am

They went for a polish Lena!!

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:08 am

probably Marian, think of the temptation going through that barbers mind if they asked for a shave.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:43 am

Maybe a dose of their own cut-throat medicine
is just what our politicians need, Lena & Harry.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

In a highly controversial incident that occurred
during the G20 protest in London recently, a woman
had her face slapped by a policeman she taunted.

In his delightfully original protest song
from the Seventies, Matt Monro sang:
'Margaret Beatty had her face slapped
by a man she tried to goad.'

How prescient is that?

Keith

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 1:18 pm

The difference in this case Keith is, despite swearing and refusing to move back as requested and continuing to hurl abuse Nicola Fisher got her face slapped, but rightly or wrongly .. Fifty Grand off a newspaper for her story, no doubt will already have softened the blow.

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Sat Apr 25, 2009 1:29 pm

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
This medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
Could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish Chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)