Today's Joke

[Gray]

Keith, that is brilliant!

[Eman]

LMFBO Keith!!

[ROBERT M.]

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

[keithgood838]

MARRIAGE - MADE IN HEAVEN

A couple on their way to get married
were involved in a multiple car accident,
so instead of facing a priest at the altar
they found themselves facing Saint Peter
at the pearly gates. Having conveyed to him
the calamitous circumstances of their arrival
in heaven, they asked whether they could
have a celestial wedding.
'Oh, I don't know,' replied the flummoxed
guardian of the gates. 'That is an unprecedented
request. I'll go and find out.'
What seemed like an eternity later a frazzled
Saint Peter returned, his demeanour evincive
of hell rather than heaven:
'Yes,' he sighed resignedly. 'You can get married
in Heaven.' 'Great!' exclaimed the predictably
pleased couple, 'but we were wondering: what if
it didn't work out; could we get a divorce in Heaven?'
The question made something snap in the stressed
saint's mind. He turned red-faced and hurled his
clipboard to the ground in a fit of pique.
'What's wrong?' enquired the disconcerted couple.
'Look,' a distressed Saint Peter yowled,
'it's taken me ages to find a priest up here; how long
do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?'

[Marian]

Ha ha!

[Gray]

[Eman]

ROTLF

[keithgood838]

PINT OF SALE

An American tourist enters the famous O'Donoghue's
bar in Dublin: 'I've heard you pour a delectable pint
of Guinness here; I'd like to savour the experience,'
he declares brightly.
'Certainly sir,' replies the barman. 'We do two versions
of the memorable pint. There is the slow pint and the quick
pint.' Feeling spoilt for choice the American enquires:
'What's the difference?'
'Well sir, the quick pint is almost instanteous, whereas
the slow one is allowed to settle for longer, we lovingly
cream off the head a couple of times and we put an
artistic shamrock on the top.'
'Sounds good to me,' replies the captivated American,
'I'm on a leisurely holiday; I'll have the slow pint please.'
Lightning-quick the barman enquires:
'Would ya like the quick pint while you're waitin'?'

[Eman]

LOL, Keith!! That's classic!!

[Marian]

[keithgood838]

CUE SUMMER

So our far-sighted water firms are lifting
their respective, pointless hosepipe bans,
which means the weather gods will soon be gifting
dry days on south-east England's rain-lashed lands.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Yes, typical but brainless Keith, here's another to get us going, but it won't win a Nobel prize ..

With traffic already at standstill
We need to be patient and calm
Olympic officials and dignitaries.
We musn't let come to no harm.
With high powered cars and relaxed network routes.
And roads painted with the Five rings
Those bright organisers could do with a kick
In the place where one guarantees it stings.

[keithgood838]

Olympic standard satire there I feel, L&H.

BULLY BIKERS - BEWARE

A minding-his-own-business type of diner
is having lunch at a transport cafe when
in swagger three bikers intent on causing
trouble. They insult him, jostle him and throw
his meal on the floor. He maintains remarkable
composure, arises from his seat and calmly
walks out of the establishment.
'Not much of a man, is he? one biker suggests
to the cafe owner.
'He's not much of a driver either,' comes the reply.
'He's just run over three motorbikes with his
32-ton truck!'

[Eman]

Keith!!! sweet revenge and poetic justice indeed!!

[karl]

Catching up with the jokes now I'm back, Keith you are excelling yourself.