Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Eman, in appreciation of encouraging remarks
made by yourself and Gray about my attempt at
Olympics humour on the Lounge thread, I have
adapted it, as follows, with the intention of including
it in my collection of humorous verse; your appraisal
of it will be gratefully received:

GOING FOR (G)OLD

Let me paraphrase: I have a dream;
I have been to the mountaintop and seen
sport's promised land.
With an entourage of resuscitation cream
I see us confidently arrive
in the international table tennis arena
to the strains of Stayin' Alive,
and proudly wearing the green
of the Irish Octogenarian team.
But that is a vision of the future
as I am septuagenarian young,
I have still to improve and mature
before we are garlanded in gold
and The Soldier's Song is with gusto sung.

Keith Good

[Eman]

SOLID!! KEITH REALLY SOLID!!! LOVING IT!!

[keithgood838]

Thanks Eman; I think it is funny, he says modestly.
The following is an self-deprecating attempt at shaming
myself into correcting a golfing shortcoming:

RELAPSE

Just when I thought I had at last erased
the dreaded 'head up' from my golf game,
the stroke-fluffing involuntary flaw raised
its spoilsport ugly head again ...

[Eman]

Keith, you have some way of making me smile and laugh!! Keep it up!!

[keithgood838]

MISINTERPRETED MALADY

A young guy went for a round of golf
with a girl from work he fancied.
Beforehand, he bought a couple of balls
and put them in his trouser pocket. When he
met up with the girl on the first tee, she couldn't
help noticing the bulge.
'It's only golf balls,' he explained.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' she replied sympathetically.
'Is it something like tennis elbow?'

[Eman]

Thanks for the back to work laugh Keith! You made my lunch break!!

[karl]

Sounds like a 'blonde' joke Keith?

[Marian]

Repent O Scottish Sinner......There was a Scottish painter named
Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he
could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit
further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but
eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on
the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the
sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on
the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a
judgment from the Almighty,
So he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you're going to love
this)




"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[karl]

I read that one some years ago Marian but it's always good to read them again as we tend to forget them.

[Marian]

I'm sure other people haven't seen it Karl, I hadn't.

[Eman]

Marian, thanks for posting, I've never seen or read your post, so it's all new for me. Loved it!!

[Marian]

Thank you Eman!

[karl]

Yes no doubt other people haven't seen it Marian, I am merely saying I had, infact this week must be revive the old jokes week as I have received a stack of ancient jokes - some must be as old as the people sending them to me!!!!

[keithgood838]

Droll one Marian, certainly new to me;
also new to me is that the Almighty speaks
with a lisp.

[Marian]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.



Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'