Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

It's a pleasure, Eman. I'm sure you are not put off
by our parochial UK references.

WITTY WORDPLAY

An old miser enters a bank with a huge bag of coins.
'Gracious!' cries the cashier. 'Did you hoard all those yourself?'
'No, my sister whored most of them.'

At a barbecue, the local coastguard enquired eagerly:
'Let me light the barbie; I have a flare for that sort of thing.'

[Eman]

Keith, of course not. I do understand some of them as my Grandfather who's English lives in Fulham. So I do understand a bit.

[keithgood838]

PARDON THE PUNS

A good pun is its own reword

A Buddhist refused anaesthetic
during root canal treatment;
he wanted to transcend dental medication

A guy worked for MI5 as an undercover shepherd -
he was a shepherd spy

Why was the Irish folksinger unable to perform?
She left her harp in Sam Frank's disco

In which direction do you turn the key on a Georgian desk?
Antique-lock wise

[Eman]

LOL..Keith!!

[keithgood838]

Here's one set in your country, Eman.
May it ease your flu symptoms:

WATERGATE WARINESS

A honeymoon couple stayed overnight at the Watergate
Hotel in Washington. The bride was concerned that the place
might still be bugged, so she asked her new husband to check
the room thoroughly. He looked behind curtains, under the bed,
in the wardrobe and finally under the carpet. There, he uncovered
a suspicious-looking disc containing four screws. Using his Swiss
army knife he undid the screws and threw the offending disc out
the window.
Next morning as they checked out, the hotel manager enquired
insistently: 'How was your room? How was the service? How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?'
' Why so many questions?' asked the disconcerted groom.
'Well,' explained the manager, 'the occupants of the room below yours
complained that the chandelier fell on them.'

[Eman]

LOL Keith, that was pretty funny. I can picture the chandiler falling on the couple..ha ha!!
Yeah it's the after effects of the shot and the arm is sore..

[Marian]

Memories of Del Boy and Rodney!

[keithgood838]

HEARING HEALING

Maurice, an eighty-three-year old,
attended his local surgery for a health
check-up.
A few days later the doctor spied Maurice
sauntering down the street with a gorgeous
girl on his arm.
A little while after that their paths crossed
again and the doctor exclaimed to Maurice:
'You're really doing well, aren't you?'
'Just carrying out your instructions, Doc:
"Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."'
'I didn't advise that,' groaned the doctor.
'I said, "You've a heart murmur, be careful."'

[Eman]

LOL.. Keith you never fail to make me have a laugh and a smile.

[keithgood838]

Here's another to stimulate your chuckle muscle, Eman:

BOBBING AND WEAVING

Bob works hard at the office and plays hard
two nights a week bowling and at golf on Saturday.
His considerate wife decides that he is pushing
himself too hard and takes him out to a local strip club
as a relaxing birthday treat.
The doorman greets them with a breezy:
'Hi Bob, how ya doin?'
Bob's missus is perplexed by the familiarity and asks
if he's been to this club before.
'He's in my bowling league,' replies Bob by way of explanation.
As they take their seats a waitress approaches and enquires:
'Hi Bob, your usual Budweiser?'
His wife's angst continues to grow as she asks nervously:
'How does she know your tipple of choice is Budweiser?'
'She's also a waitress at the golf club; I always have
a Bud after the outward nine.'
To add to his discomfiture, a stripper then comes to their
table and throws her arms around the embarrassed Bob:
'Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?'
His wife is now furious and flounces out of the club.
her hapless husband follows and joins her as she is
getting into a cab. He vainly tries to explain that the stripper
must have mistaken him for somebody else. His irate missus
remains unconvinced and hurls every kind of foul-mouthed,
male-denigrating insult at him.
Whereupon the cabbie turns round and exclaims:
'Gee Bob, you've picked up a real bitch this time.'
There will be no flowers by request at Bob's funeral on Friday.

[karl]

Brilliant Keith, it had me laughing out loud!

[Eman]

LOL Keith, I nearly choked on my lunch from laughing while I read this!!

[karl]

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. LAresen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[karl]

THE AIRLINE CAPTAIN.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop from London to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and............ OH! MY GOD!'

SILENCE FOLLOWED

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom .

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you......While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!!'

One Irish passenger yelled ' FOR F*#K'S SAKE......YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!!'

[keithgood838]

Funny ones Karl. I read the captain's line as:
'You should see the front of my parts.'

LIFE LESSON

A third-grade teacher is running the rule
over pupils on first day at school;
She asks one little girl:
'What does your daddy do?'
'Whatever Mummy tells him to.'