Today's Joke

[karl]

HO HO HO !!!!!!

[keithgood838]

COMIC CELEBRITY QUOTES

I has a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending; and to have the two as close together
as possible.
- George Burns

I had the following lines published in a December magazine
amid a cluster of humorous titbits; forgive me for posting
it again herein.

HUMOUR

Laughter reflects through radiance in the eyes,
a soul relieved of pain;
a laugh dispels the dark clouds of your skies
like sunshine after rain,
and it silences sad heart-engendered sighs
via the endorphined brain.

Keith Good

[Eman]

So so true Keith!! Love it!!

[keithgood838]

Thanks Eman, however I think the following is a superior poem:

HUMOUR IS ...

The pin that can deflate a pompous air;
the quip that warms a frosty atmosphere;
workouts for muscles denied attention,
and a release valve for pent-up tension.
The shield that deflects the hurled barbs of strife -
cloverleaf route over constraints in life.

Keith Good

THE BENIGHTED PIRATE

A pirate entered a bar and the bartender exclaimed:
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You look terrible.
What happened?'
'What do you mean? I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg?'
'Well, we were in a battle and I took a hit from a cannonball;
but I'm all right now.'
'What about the hook? What happened to your hand?'
'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off, so I had to get fitted for a hook.
I'm fine, really.'
'So explain the eye patch?'
'Oh, one day at sea a flock of birds flew over; I looked up
and one of them messed in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' asserted the bartender, 'you couldn't lose
an eye like that.'
'It was my first day with the hook.'

[Eman]

Spot on Keith! Love it!!

[karl]

THE FACTS BEHIND A CHRISTMAS TRADITION

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular elves, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't this a beautiful day? I have a beautiful tree for you, where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[Eman]

Thanks for the smile Karl!!

[karl]

Yes Eamon, I started to laugh when the angel asked where she could stick the tree, I knew what was coming!!!!

[keithgood838]

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS QUIZ QUESTION

What do you call a group of grandmasters of chess
bragging about their triumphs in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Eman]

LOL!! Keith!!

[Marian]

Good one Keith! Have you been pulling crackers early? !!

[keithgood838]

ON THE PULL

I confess I am crackers enough, Marian,
to succumb to the allure of an early one;
as for pulls to the strains of a Matt Monro score:
those days are filed in drawers dusty-labelled 'Yore'.
Anyway, to steal illicit Christmas kisses
would bring down on my head the wrath of my missus.

[Eman]

LOL..hey Keith are you sure you aren't the guy at a party that would put a lampshade on his head and start doing a dance? LOL.. Keep em' comin cuz you sure make my day!! Love a good laugh to get through all the stuff of the day.

[keithgood838]

I wouldn't even try to compete with Michele's hilarious offerings,
Eman, however here is a seasonable story:

TREETOP TRADITION

Santa's legendary bonhomie had deserted him; he was uncharacteristically
cross. It was Christmas Eve and everything that could go wrong was going
wrong: the elves were complaining about unpaid overtime; the reindeer had
been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious:
'I can't believe it!' he yells. 'I've got hundreds of presents to deliver all over
the world in a few hours; the elves are on strike, the reindeer are drunk
and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid angel to find one
hours ago - what am I going to do?'
At that precise moment the little angel opens the front door and steps in from
the snowy night dragging a Christmas tree: 'Oi, Fatty,' she shouts, 'where do
you want me to stick this?'
Thus came to pass the custom whereby an angel is placed
atop a Christmas tree.

[keithgood838]

I must apologise for posting a version of Karl's
Christmas Tradition joke of a few days earlier -
a senior moment on my part. Sorry!

COUNTER ESPIONAGE

Two disreputable characters were arrested yesterday
for the offence of photocopying sensitive information
concerning the UK and other countries' currencies.
A spokesman said: 'It's not unduly surprising; at this time
of the year we expect to see a lot of mint spies.'