Today's Joke

[Eman]

Keith, naughty, naughty!!!

[karl]

That reminds me of a joke I think Bob Monkhouse told on tv years ago about a Tupperware bra, the customer asked if it would be good for her figure and the reply was "No But It'll Keep What You've Got Fresh" !

[Eman]

Oh my naughtiness must be in the air in Europe!! LOL You guys are making me smile!! Thank you!!!

[karl]

BMW Z4

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway he floored it to 120 MPH; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirrror, he saw a Police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140MPH, then 150 then 160

Suddenly, he thought. "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Police officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW, looked at his

watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go

The old man looked very seriously at the Policeman and replied

"Years ago my wife ran off with a Policeman, I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, sir", said the Policeman

[keithgood838]

QUIZ SHOW COMEDY

On yesterday's edition of The Chase a contestant was asked
to state which species of bird the lammergheir belonged to:
He replied, 'Vulture' without hesitation and having had some experience
of zoo-keeping went on to say; 'It feeds on turtles; it picks them up and drops
them from a great height so that the shell breaks and it feasts on the flesh.'
Now fully into the role of background information provider he added: 'In fact a guy
was almost killed on one occasion when a bird dropped one on his bald head
thinking it was a stone.'
By now presenter Bradley Walsh was doubled up in helpless laughter,
but managed to utter: 'Correct answer is:' 'Vulture'
Whereupon the contestant suggested: 'Wouldn't I look silly if it was wrong.'

Continuing the ornithological theme, a lady contestant was recently asked to name
the bird species to which the mavis belonged. 'Thrush!' she replied categorically.
'How did you know that?' enquired an incredulous Bradley.
'I dunno; it's just something I picked up.'

[Eman]

Lol Karl and Keith

[karl]

Keith I watch Bradley evey day, I think he's great and has a very keen sense of humour.

[Eman]

Sounds like it!! LOL

[Gray]

An Englishman on a touring holiday in the USA visited an Indian Reservation.
He got talking to the Indian Chief who introduced him to his squaw, Five Horses. The Englishman was very taken with her name and asked the Chief how she came by it. The Chief said "nag, nag, nag, nag, nag"

[keithgood838]

Funny one Gray, quite the moaning mare.

MEATBALLS - MEXICO STYLE

A big texan stopped at a restaurant following a day roaming
around Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious-looking platter being served at the adjacent table.
He enquired of the waiter: 'What is that dish you just served?'
'Ah senor, you have sound judgment; those are called Cojones de Toro,
bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning - a delicacy!'
The cowboy exclaimed: 'What the heck, please take my order for some.'
'I'm so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there
is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early we will be able to save
you this culinary treat.'
Next morning the cowboy duly returned, placed his order, and was served
the only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called the waiter
and declared: 'These are delicious, but much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday.' The waiter replied philosophically:
'Ah senor, sometimes de bull weens.'

[Eman]

LOL Gray and Keith, you have me LMBO!!!!

[Gray]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Yes, and can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

[Marian]

Ha Ha Gray. I didn't think you owned a boat!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Hope it was your own bed Gray. .

[Gray]

Here is a puzzle my eldest daughter asked me the other day, you may know the answer, I didn't!

What can you put in a box that would make it weigh less?
(PS It is not air/helium)