Today's Joke

[Eman]

Keith, I'm still waiting for you to have me LMBO!!! It takes so little to make me laugh, I guess.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

We have more or less mentioned this before. We are all different when it comes to what makes us laugh and what doesn't, and it's good that you have this great sense of humour Eman, whatever it makes you feel like doing. .
Take Ella Wheeler Wilcox's poem....Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.

Keith the joke did have a title but although fitting, I decided not to print it, but yours was very appropriate.

[keithgood838]

'Eman, you bid my plastic pen
a good joke write, well here's one then.'

DREAM DELIVERED

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on Good Friday.
When she awoke she confided to Max, her husband:
'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring
as an Easter present, what do you think it means?'
'Aha, you find out tonight,' smiled max conspiratorially.
True to his word, later that evening Max kissed her
affectionately on the forehead and handed her a small package.
In a state of expectant excitement Jemima ripped
it open to reveal a book entitled: The meaning of Dreams.

[Eman]

Keith. LMBO!!! LOL Hmmmm..be funny to see what her facial reaction would be..ha ha..she got zonked!!

[keithgood838]

No prizes for guessing what this lady's facial expression was:

BLANKET PUNISHMENT

A wife returns home early from a late-night trip and quietly opens
the door to her bedroom. She is enraged to see four legs peeping out
from under the duvet instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the duvet with all
of her might.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning in agony, she goes to the kitchen
for a calming drink. On entering she is staggered to see her husband there
reading a magazine:
'Hi Darling,' he greets her amiably, 'your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?'

[keithgood838]

My connection to the following extends no further
than the posting thereof:

THE TALE OF THE AUSSIE DUNNY

The service station trade was slow,
The owner sat around
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern means had they there,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack marked His and Hers
That sat against a hill.

'Where is the ladies' toilet, sir?'
The owner leaning back
Said not a word but whittled on
And nodded toward a shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
For when she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and sheet-white face
She bounded throught the door,
Could not wait to depart the place
Like other Sheilas before.

She missed the footbridge, jumped the stream,
The owner gave a shout
As her silk stockings, at her knees
Snagged on a wattle sprout.

She tripped and fell- got up and then
With obvious disgust
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A tannoy system he'd devised
To make the thing complete;
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He's wait until the dames got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough
To speak into the mic.

And as she sat a voice below
Provoked a blue funk fear:
'Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!'

[Eman]

Happy Friday Keith!! LOL.. you just made my morning!!

[keithgood838]

Hi Eman
I thought I may have made you happy
with a bit of proper poetry?

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOMERS
(Actual announcements of church services)

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks On Water
The sermon tonight: Searching For Jesus

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands

Miss Charlene Mason sang: I May Never Pass This Way Again,
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on 24 October -
so ends a friendship that began in their schooldays

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon

Pot luck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow

The eighth-graders will present Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement next Saturday - members are advised
to attend this tragedy

Low Self-Esteem group will meet on Thursday at 7pm -
please use the back door

Associate Minister unveils the church's new campaign slogan:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Eman]

Keith, if I read this in our church bulletin at Mass every Sunday I'd be LMBO!!!

[keithgood838]

I'm glad to know that you are a good, godfearing guy Eman.
I don't know about LMBO, but I may end up in Limbo after this:

DE JA VU

A boy wanders through a hotel and hears amorous sounds
emanating from a room. His curiosity aroused, he tentatively
opens the door to an unlit room: 'Wow, it's dark in here!'
he exclaims. A male voice shouts: 'Clear off and leave us alone!'
Startled, the boy complies.
Later, that evening he passes the hotel laundry room and, once more,
hears amorous sounds coming from within. He opens the door and says:
'Wow, it's dark in here!' Again a man shouts: 'Go away and leave us alone!'
Next day the boy's mother takes him to make his first confession.
The boy enters the confessional box and once more utters the mantra:
'Wow, it's dark in here!'
The priest hollers: 'Are you following me around, you little b......?'

[Eman]

Keith yep a good Catholic boy lol or at least I think!!
Nothin wrong with a good laugh!

[keithgood838]

Let's maintain the religious theme, Eman:

MALAPROPISMS OF IMMATURITY
(Actual responses from schoolchildren asked to write down
their thoughts on the Old and New Testaments)

(1) Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

(2) The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, afterwards
Moses went up to Mount Cyanide too get the ten commandments.

(3) The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

(4) Moses died before he reached Canada, then Joshua led
the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

(5) Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(6) Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

(7) St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

(8) The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

(9) St Paul cavorted with christianity, he preached holy acrimony
which is another name for marriage.

(10) Christians have only one wife, this is called monotony.

(11) The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

(12) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball
of fire during the night.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very good Keith. Thanks for giving us some more smiles

[Eman]

Keith, LOL..better watch it or you might be sentenced to 10 Our Fathers, 11 Hail Marys!! Ha ha and if I recall right, 2 hours of solitiude in Chapel like in my school days!! Though I managed to sneak out through a window. Keep em' coming and thank you for always managing to put a smile on my face!!

[keithgood838]

God knows we all need a laugh nowadays, L&H and Eman:

FLEDGLING FAITH

Three men of the cloth were pondering the age-old question:
'When does life begin?'
The Catholic priest asserted: 'At the moment of conception.'
The Anglican vicar averred: 'When the child is born.'
The pragmatic rabbi assured both of them:
'When the children are married and the mortgage is paid off.'