Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

TOILET-SEAT TOILINGS

My wife had been grizzling me for weeks to paint
the seat on the toilet. Finally, I got round to doing it
when she was shopping. I left it to attend to other
matters before she returned. When she did return
she sat on the toilet seat prior to taking a shower.
As she tried to stand up she realised she was glued
to the not-quite-dry epoxy paint. When I discovered
her predicament we both pushed and pulled to free
her to no avail. In desperation I undid the bolts securing
the toilet seat. She wrapped a sheet round herself
and I drove her to the hospital A&E department. My wife
tried to lighten the embarrassment of her situation
by suggesting: 'Well doctor, I'll bet you've never seen
anything like this before.'
'Actually,' he replied, 'I've seen lots of them, but never
one mounted and framed.'

[Eman]

LOL Keith, that one is priceless.. ha ha..

[keithgood838]

Glad you found it funny, Eman.

LITERARY LET-OFF

Under the aegis of the new national free school system,
a headmaster is emboldened to institute a physical
fitness regime at his school.
After a few weeks he enquired of his students as to
the progress they were making. Of one lad known
for his idleness and burgeoning stature he asked:
'How are you doing, and what actions are you taking?'
'I'm turning pages, sir,' the boy replied confidently.
'How is that helping?' asked the incredulous headmaster.
'Well sir, it's an exercise book.'

[Eman]

Ha ha, Keith, that's something I would have said myself and he was being truthful. LOL

[keithgood838]

Continuing the education theme, but you may not like it, Eman -
here goes anyway:

THE HARD-KNOCKS SCHOOL

A boy was doing badly at maths so his parents sent him
to a strict Catholic boarding school. To their delight his
grades rocketed. On their next visit they asked him what
his new school did that his old one didn't.
'They're much tougher here,' he asserted.
'As soon as I saw that guy nailed to the giant plus sign
I knew they meant business.'

[Eman]

Keith, lol!! That kid sounds like me!!! Love it!!

[karl]

Keith it's the way you tell 'em - it's a cracker so it is!!!!

[keithgood838]

Thanks guys, it seems I nailed that one all right.
(I just hope the Deity can match your sense of humour.)

CURRENCY CLEANSING

The prospect of being able
to put plastic banknotes through
a wash cycle has got me wondering:
should we choose to do
so would be then be culpable
on being charged with money laundering?

[Eman]

Ha ha..another nice one Keith!!

[keithgood838]

Eman, your ability to stay up to speed with happenings
in British culture never ceases to amaze me. Well done!

ANCIENT & MODERN

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small
child replied:
'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

[Eman]

Ha ha..Keith yes I do know some of the English culture.
Babysitter indeed!! LOL

[keithgood838]

You seem very well 'versed' on the subject, Eman.
I like to think I'm versed on the subject of satire:

CIRCULAR SAWS

The chancellor blows up a housing bubble
so Mark Carney is forced to deflate it;
one arm of government stirs up trouble
leaving the other bound to negate it.
Growth three years ago was double
today's, yet we must highly rate it.

[Eman]

Keith

[karl]

THE PARKING TICKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and i said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole". He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for havingworn out tires.

So Mary called him a "s**t head". He finished the
second ticket and put in on the windshield with the first.
The he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes,
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now we're retired.

It's imporant at our age.

[keithgood838]

That one is just the ticket, Karl. I think my wife Mary
and I should have more fun.

TRAVEL TALK

A man phones a taxi company because his cab hasn't turned up.
'I'm supposed to be at the airport by nine o'clock,' he complains.
'Don't worry,' the desk clerk says soothingly, 'the taxi will get you
there before your plane leaves.'
'I know it will,' replies the caller scathingly,
'I'm the pilot!'