Today's Joke

[Marian]

Ha ha Robert!
Thanks Lena and Harry

[Marian]

A GOLFERS LOVE STORY

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason...

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

[john]

That's a good one Marian.

[Eman]

LOL Marian!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

[keithgood838]

Marian, yours is surely the funniest holiday joke ever. Thanks.

TREACHEROUS TECHNOLOGY

I was in Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling
and I was dismayed to realise that I desperately needed to break wind.
The place was packed but the music was fortuitously loud, so to get
relief and diminish embarrassment I timed my 'emissions' to the beat
of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee
and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then, to my horror, I suddenly remembered I was listening to my Ipod ...

When I was ready to pay for my supermarket groceries,
the check-out girl commanded: 'Strip down, facing me!'
Making a mental note to complain to the powers that be about
excessive security measures, I did as she instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical comments finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how I should position my
credit card ...

Oldtimers and young technology find it difficult to bridge the
ever-widening age gap ...

[Marian]

Brilliant to see you back Keith! We really have missed you.

[mariana44]

Good to see you back Keith---and great to start the morning again with a laugh--or 2 in this case.

[karl]

Two of your best ever Keith.

[Eman]

Ha ha.. Keith, Glad to see you back. Missed your jokes and hopefully we get more of your original prose.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Nice that you are back with us Keith.

[keithgood838]

Thanks Eman and L&H. + Marian x 2.

On the day A-level grades are announced here are some genuine
university exam gaffes courtesy of the young brains of Britain.
I confess to my own gaffe of posting some jokes on the poetry thread.

'In future all cars will be fitted with Catholic converters.' From a University
of Ulster student's paper on vehicle emissions.

'The coalition government apparently has a toff stance on tax avoidance.'
Misspelt, but maybe makes an inadvertent point.

'Google is one of the two main suppositories of data in the world.'
University of Sheffield candidate was talking out of the wrong end.

'Most books are written in valium.'
This Kings College student, London obviously meant vallum.

A city University London student said the failure of Northern Rock
was due to laxative enforcement policies.

'The railways were invented to take the weight off the motorways.
History not a strong point of the St Helens College of Art and Design.

[maxine]

Keith

[mariana44]

hey are funny.

[Gray]

Martha went to her Doctors for a check up on her 60th birthday. The Doctor carried out several tests and told her he would contact her in a week or so with the results. 10 days later Martha got a call to come in and see the Doctor. "Well Martha," he said as she sat down. "I have some bad news for you"

"Go on Doctor, spit it out, I've had a good life so i'm ready." she replied.

"Well Martha, it's not good" he said, "I'm afraid that you are in the early stages of Alzheimers"

"Oh my" said Martha, " I have so many memories...that's not good, but it sounds like there's something else Doctor"

"Yes Martha, I'm sorry but you also have Parkinsons, I don't know what to say."

"Oh it's Ok Doctor I'm ok, mind you" said Martha "it could be worse"

"how could it be worse?" he asked.

"well I could have Alzheimers, that would really be a bummer!!!"