Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

FALSE EXIT
(sorry Matt)

Gallagher opened his morning paper and was dumbfounded
to see himself featured in the obituary column.
He immediately phoned his friend, Finnerty.
'Did you see the paper?' he enquired. 'They say I died.'
'Yes I saw it.' exclaimed Finnerty.
'Where are you phoning from?'

ALL OF A SUDDEN
(sorry again, Matt)

An Irish priest is driving to New York and is stopped for speeding
in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' asserts the priest.
'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest stares at the bottle and exclaims:
'Good Lord, he's done it again!'

[ROBERT M.]

it's a good job the Irish can laugh at themselves.............where would we be without the Irish jokes

[Lena & Harry Smith]

They can laugh at themselves Robert and we are grateful that they give us something to smile about.

[mariana44]

It is always good to start the day with a laugh--thanks to Keith & Ed.

[keithgood838]

RECRUITMENT RELUCTANCE

Father Murphy enters a pub in Donegal and enquires
of the first man he meets:
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man replies:
'Indeed I do, Father.'
'Then stand over there against the wall.'
The priest approaches a second man:
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father.'
'Please stand over there against that wall.'
The priest walks over to O'Toole at the bar:
'And do you want to go to heaven?'
'No, I don't Father.'
The priest exclaims in astonishment:
'I don't believe this. Do you mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole replies:
'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting
a group together to go right now.'

[ROBERT M.]

.........another funny one

[keithgood838]

SMILE-INDUCING SENESCENCE

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench at a Community
Adult Centre. A man approaches and sits at the opposite
end of the bench. They start chatting and the woman asks:
'Are you a stranger here?'
'I lived here many years ago,' he informs her.
'So where have you been in the interim?'
'In prison'
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He gazes at her and confesses in subdued tones:
'I killed my wife.'
'Oh,' she asserts brightly,'
'so ... you're single.'

A man is telling his neighbour:
'I've just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000
but it is state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' enthuses the neighbour. 'What type is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Octogenarian Morris attended his doctor's surgery for a physical.
A few days later the doctor espied him out walking with a gorgeous
girl on his arm.
At a follow-up appointment the doctor asserted to Morris:
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just following your advice, Doc:
"get a hot mamma and be cheerful."'
To which the doctor indignantly replied:
'That isn't what I recommended, my exact words were:
"You've got a heart murmur, be careful."'

Keith
Via an Ed email

PS I somehow deleted a previous doctor joke;
I'll post it again, later. Forgive my fumbling fingers.

[keithgood838]

THE ITALIAN JOB
(On days like these - sorry Matt)

A maladroit doctor had an affair with his nurse
and contrived to get her pregnant. To keep the matter under wraps
from his wife (and the BMA) he gave the nurse some money and asked
her to go to Italy to have the baby.
'How shall I let you know the baby is born?' she enquired earnestly.
'Send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on it.'
Six months later the doctor's wife phoned him at the surgery:
'A postcard has arrived for you and I can't understand it.'
When the doctor arrived home and read it he suffered a heart attack.
On route to to Casualty the lead paramedic asked what may have
precipitated the doctor's cardiac arrest. The wife repeated what was
written on the postcard:
'Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, two with sausage and meatba lls,
one without.'

Keith
(This previously posted item included
an acknowedgement of Robert's approval
of this thread.)

[keithgood838]

MUSCA DOMESTICA
(determining the gender thereof)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
in stalking mode with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she enquired.
'Hunting flies,' he responded predictably.
'Oh ... killing any?'
'Yep, three males and two females.'
Intrigued, she asked:
'How can you tell them apart?'
'Three were on a beer can
and two were on the phone.'

Keith
(Via another Ed email)

[keithgood838]

MALE SIMILITUDE
(through the female prism viewed)


Men are like the weather: nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like bananas: the older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like chocolate bars: sweet, smooth and they usually head for your hips.

Men are like commercials: you can't believe a word they say.

Men are like blenders: you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like department stores: their clothes are always half off.

Men are like mascara: they run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn: they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like Lava lamps: fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like parking spaces: all the desirable ones are taken.


Keith
(via our favourite Floridan)

[Marian]

: FW: Who said Footballers weren't intelligent?


. Unbelievable. Certainly brains in their feet!



Subject: FW: Who said Footballers weren't intelligent?


My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough ."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[keithgood838]

Thanks for the footballers' funny faux pas, Marian.
The Neville Southall quote is the best (worst) 'at the end of the day'
abomination I have seen. When footballers utter the inevitable
'well, we lost at the end of the day', I feel like screaming at the
television: 'No, you lost at the end of the flaming match, you
numbskull.'
Keith

[keithgood838]

SALOON-BAR SEMANTICS

A man enters a bar with a giraffe.
The giraffe drinks so excessively that it passes out
on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave,
so the bartender yells:
'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!'
The drunk drawls:
'That's not a lion! It's a giraffe!'
Keith

[keithgood838]

YESTERDAY
(with apologies to Paul McCartney
and to Matt who made the definitive
recording of the original)

Yesterday, all my troubles were so far away,
Now I contemplate sport I can't play,
Girl, I wish it was yesterday.

Latterly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's flaccidness underwhelming me
Whose onset happened suddenly.

Why she had to go, I know but she wouldn't say,
Now she plays away
God, I pray for yesterday.

Yesterday, indoor games were so easy to play,
Now I take cialis ev'ry day
to keep Old Father Time at bay.

Why she had to go, I know but she wouldn't say,
Now she plays away,
God, I pray for yesterday.

Adaptation by Ed Harrod

[Marian]

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .





At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists Asked the waitress,

‘Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,

Very, Very, Very Slowly?’

The girl leaned over and said...







"Burrr … gurrr … Kingg." !