Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Yes, sorry about Hull Robert. It wasn't the best game we've ever seen. Lot of good passing but not creating enough chances where it mattered.

[keithgood838]

CUP CONSOLATION

Made toothless by the ravages of overplay,
the Tigers live to chase prey on another day;
now they are free from stresses of the Cup,
they can beat big game extinction by staying up.

[keithgood838]

CELESTIAL COMMUNICATION

So Andrew Lloyd Webber calls for Wi-Fi
in every church to be the norm,
but the super songsmith seems to be unaware
that the facility is already there:
prayer, Wi-Fi in original fundamental form ...

[ROBERT M.]

CUP CONSOLATION

Made toothless by the ravages of overplay,
the Tigers live to chase prey on another day;
now they are free from stresses of the Cup,
they can beat big game extinction by staying up.

Hope so Keith

[keithgood838]

SENIORS' STOLEN SEMANTICS
(An age of lost innocence)

Time sharing meant togetherness, not holiday homes;
and a chip was a piece of wood or potato titbit.

Hardware meant nuts and bolts; software hadn't entered the lexicon.

A stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt;
going all the way meant staying on the bus till it reached the depot.

A Big Mac was an oversize raincoat, and we enjoyed crumpets
at teatime.

Cleavage was as aspect of the butcher's art.

Grass was mown and pot meant a cooking utensil.

Coke was kept in a coal scuttle and a joint was cooked on Sundays.

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

MALAPPROACHED MATRIMONY

A widower and a widow are lifelong friends and one day
the widower decides to pop the question. He takes her
out to dinner and gathers up the courage to say:
'Will you marry me?'
The widow replies: 'Yes, yes, I will.' The meal ends and
they return to their respective homes.
Next morning the widower has a problem; he knows he
asked the critical question but could not remember whether
she said yes or no. With some trepidation he phones the lady:
'This is a bit embarrassing,' he confesses, 'but when I asked
you to marry me, what did you say?'
She answers: 'I said yes I will and I meant it with all my heart.'
She continues, 'I'm so glad you phoned because I couldn't
remember who asked me.'

[Eman]

LOL Keith!!!

[keithgood838]

We have a comedian who specialises in one-liners, Eman,
e.g. 'I had a date with a girl called Simile; I don't know what
I metaphor.'
To continue the heartless ageist humour:

SENSE-STEALING SENESCENCE

A group of elderly folk are bemoaning their ailments
in a care home:
One asserts: 'My arthritis is so bad I can hardly
grip this cup.'
Another adds: 'My cataracts are so bad I can scarcely
see to pour my coffee.'
A third ventures: 'My constant neck pain prevents me
from turning my head.'
Another contributes: 'I get dizzy spells because of my
high blood pressure.'
The philosopher in the gathering declares: 'I suppose
that's what happens when you get old.'
Then the one with the half-full cup of coffee beams:
'I suppose we should all be grateful we can still drive.'

[keithgood838]

Marian, in reply to your here-today-gone-tomorrow post:

AMPLE ATTRIBUTES

Peter Down - person of noble station,
of discerning Matt Monro appreciation;
a behind-the-scenes supportive presence -
a man of wife selecting pre-eminence.

[keithgood838]

Let's continue the affectionate teasing of the elderly:

HALLUCINATORY HUMOUR

A young man enquires of his grandma:
'Granny, have you seen my pills; they
were labelled LSD?'
'To hell with the pills,' she asserts angrily,
'have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!'

[Marian]

Ha ha Keith!

[keithgood838]

We're not old Marian, merely chronologically challenged.

UNLEARNED LINES

Two ageing university lecturers are sunbathing
on the verandah of their apartment at a nudist resort.
'So tell me,' enquires one, 'have you read Marx?'
'Indeed I have,' replies his companion, 'it must be this
wicker chair I'm sitting on.'

[keithgood838]

MATRIMONY MANIA

A psychotherapist tries to unburden a male patient in a mental institution:
'How did you end up here; was your family life intolerable?'
'Yes it was,' asserts the unfortunate guy, 'it all started when I got married,
and I reckon I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown-up
daughter, who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell
in love with my lovely stepdaughter and married her. And so my stepdaughter
was now my stepmother. Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's
brother-in-law, since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now my
daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy she
was at once my stepmother. Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother,
he is also my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is
my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But bear with me a few moments more.
You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson
and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?'

[ROBERT M.]

HELP!!.............you lost me before halfway Keith