Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

A GOLFER'S GODSEND

A golfer, hitting a few shots on the practice green, was
approached by a young man who ventured: 'Do you want to see
something amazing?'
The golfer, irritated at being interrupted, snapped: 'What is it?'
'It's a special golf ball,' the guy exclaimed excitedly, 'you never
lose it!'
The golfer snorted in disbelief: 'What do you mean, you never lose
it? What if it goes in the water?'
'No problem, it floats, then it detects where the shore is and spins
towards it.'
'Well, what if you hit into the woods?'
'Easy,' asserted the young man, 'it emits a bleeping sound and you
can find it with your eyes closed.'
'Okay,' conceded the golfer, now impressed. 'But what if your round
goes late and it starts getting dark?'
'No problem, sir, the ball glows in the dark. I'm telling you, you can
never lose this golf ball.'
That clinched it. The player bought the ball on the spot. As the young
man was pocketing the money, the golfer enquired: 'Just one question.
Where did you get it?'
'I found it!'

[keithgood838]

SONGS FOR SWINGING SENESCENTS

'Hit Me With Your Walking Stick' - Ian Dury and the Blockheads
'Pick Me Up Before You Go-Go' - Wham!
'It's a Beautiful Day Centre' - U2
'My Degeneration' - The Who
'Papa's Got a Brand-New Colostomy Bag' - James Brown
'Stairlift to Heaven' - Led Zeppelin
'I Can't See Clearly Now' - Jimmy Cliff
'Knockin' On Devon's Door' - Bob Dylan

[keithgood838]

BIG DAY BLUES
(7 may 2015)

This Thursday we commemorate
the sad centenary of the chaos and despair
that ensued from the war-time Lusitania tragedy,
while simultaneously participating
in the imminent convulsive fall-out from
the warring factions in the political sea.

[keithgood838]

It seems that Matthew Wright shares my fascination with nominative determinism;
he devoted a section of his programme to the subject yesterday. His favourite
example is: dick Chop, a vasectomy surgeon.



PS The system wouldn't let me capitalise the good doctor's forename?

[Eman]

LOL Keith!

[ROBERT M.]

How about the FEMALE Indy Car racing driver .........PIPPA MANN

[keithgood838]

Nice one Robert, I wonder whether she did.
Here's another couple:
Belgian footballer - Mark De Man
White House spokesman - Larry Speakes

[keithgood838]

WATERMELON WILFULNESS

A farmer is proud of his watermelon patch.
However upon inspection one day he discovers
local youngsters have been helping themselves.
He decides to erect a sign that reads:
WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE.
He smiles smugly as he watches the kids run off
the next night without eating any of the fruit.
The farmer returns days later to discover that none
of his watermelons have been eaten, but he finds
another sign that reads:
NOW THERE ARE TWO!

[keithgood838]

YES! OH YES!

Interviewed by British television on the subject
of the Irish referendum, a Dublin taxi-driver said:
'I believe in same-sex marriage; I have been enjoying
same sex with my wife for 30 years.'

[Eman]

LOL Keith!

[Gray]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for
them.
This time, the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

(Continue below - This is great)













'THE TEETH.'

[ROBERT M.]

.........good to see you again Gray

[Gray]

Thanks Robert.
Sorry about Hull.

[keithgood838]

One to get the old teeth into and keep this thread
well nourished, Gray.

IRREVERENT INGRATE

An old man is sitting on his porch one day watching the rain pour down.
Soon the water is lapping over the porch and into the old man's house.
Yet he still sits there watching it.
A rescue boat comes by and the crew tells him: 'You can't stay there;
you'll have to come with us.'
'No, don't worry,' the old man assures them, 'God will save me.'
The boat moves on as the rain continues unabated and soon the water
is lapping the old man's stairs. Another rescue boat arrives and the
people on board implore him to come with them. Their pleas provoke
the same response: 'Don't worry, God will save me.'
The boat duly departs as the deluge forces the old man onto his roof.
This time a helicopter appears and the old man is instructed to climb
aboard. With admirable faith in the Almighty he reiterates:
'Don't worry, God will save me.'
The helicopter flies away, the rising water engulfs the old man
and he drowns. When he arrives in heaven, he reproaches God:
'I placed my faith in you and you did nothing to save me.'
'What do you mean I did nothing to save you,' thunders the Almighty,
'I sent you two boats and a bloody helicopter!'