Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny

[keithgood838]

That's the cream of the blonde jokes crop, Marian.
Hilarious!

[Marian]

Thanks everyone. Here's some more food for thought...or maybe that should be drink!

Who Knew???

1. To remove a bandage painlessly,
saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive
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2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,

fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,
let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew.
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3. To clean your eyeglasses,

simply wipe the lenses with a soft,
clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

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4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
and letting your safety razor blade
soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
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5. Spray vodka on wine stains,

scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
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6. Using a cotton wool ball, apply vodka to your face

as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
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7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
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8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka

and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

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9 Pour one-half cup vodka
and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag

and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches,
pain or black eyes.
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10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
with freshly packed lavender flowers,

fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter,
then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

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11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth

to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

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12. To cure foot odor,

wash your feet with vodka.

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13 Vodka will disinfect

and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

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14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy

to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

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15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.

Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

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Silly me!
I've only been drinking it!!! HUMMMMM

This originally ended with "Who'd have thunk it!" but I didn't think I should add that line!!!!

[ROBERT M.]

Thanks for that Marian......hic hic

[Marian]

Did you have toothache Robert? Sorry about that!

[ROBERT M.]

Well it's one way of getting rid of toothache

[keithgood838]

EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL MOTOR INSURANCE CLAIMS

'The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front of me,
one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.'

'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.'

'On approaching the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.'

'I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.'

'The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.'

'I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.'

'I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.'

'Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.'

'The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.'

'To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front,
I struck a pedestrian.'

'In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'

'My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.'

'I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I hit him.'

'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
out of the way when I struck the front end.'

Keith

[mariana44]

It's a laugh a day on this thread--brilliant !!!

[keithgood838]

This one comes courtesy of Ed, Marian(a).

MISSUS MAGNET

An older man approaches a curvaceous young woman
at a shopping mall:
'Excuse me, I can't seem to see my wife; would you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?'
Willing to humour the mature guy she smiles sweetly:
'Of course sir, do you know where you wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but any time I talk to a woman with an embonpoint
like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

Keith

[mariana44]

Ed and Keith--between you---you never fail to deliver !!

[Marian]

Not wishing to show my ignorance, but what is an embonpoint?
Marian

[mariana44]

It is another word for a ladies "chest area"--to keep things polite!!

[Marian]

Thanks Marian.

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzare
lli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.

[mariana44]

Another cracker--where do they come from--practically every joke on here so far has been new to me--George would have loved this thread---he was always on the lookout for a new joke for his "collection".

[keithgood838]

I'm surprised that the euphemism 'embonpoint'
escaped you, Marian. After all it is close to your heart.

A LUDDITE'S LOOK AT COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY

The original computer was the humble pencil,
it had a print function at one end, and a delete one at the other.

Memory was something you lost with age.

An application was for seeking employment.

A programme was a TV show.

A keyboard was a piano.

A cursor was someone prone to profanity.

A web was a spider's spectacular creation.

A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account.

A hard drive was a long motor journey.

A mouse pad was a small rodent's home.

And if you had a three-inch floppy -
you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Keith
PS If anyone is a Luddite in this context,
I am, certainly not Ed (to whom thanks
for this joke) who has his finger firmly
on the pusle of modern technology.