Today's Joke

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Sat Jan 03, 2009 4:47 pm

It's Cinderella, and Mickey Rooney is playing the part of Baron Hardup.

That can't be easy when you're 85.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Sun Jan 04, 2009 6:11 pm

Re Ricky Mooney, Mariana.
That's a spoonerism named after Oxford history
professor, the Reverend William Archibald Spooner, who
was renowned for transposing letters or syllables in a phrase:
Eg to students:
'You have hissed my mystery lecture.'
Keith

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Sun Jan 04, 2009 6:46 pm

I always remember a newsreader reading a news item about "smug drugglers"!
Marian

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:26 pm

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU DON'T MOVE
WITH ALACRITY ANYMORE - An Anecdote:

Elderly George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia, was going
to bed when his wife told him he had left the light on in
the garden shed. George opened the back door and saw
people in his shed stealing items. He phoned the police who asked,
'Is someone in your house?'
George replied, 'No.' They then said that all patrols were busy,
told him to lock his doors and an officer would be along when
someone was available.
George hung up and seconds later phoned again:
'Don't worry about the intruders, I've just shot them.'
Within five minutes three police cars and an ambulance
turned up and the thieves were caught red-handed.
'I thought you said you had shot them,' said a policeman.
To which George retorted,
'I thought you said you had no one available.'

Keith

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 12:10 pm

On her 69th birthday, 1 October, Julie Andrews made
a personal appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of AARP. The following are the lyrics she used
when performing My Favourite Things:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals the bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for singing,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we don't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Miss Andrews received a standing ovation
that lasted over four minutes.)

Keith

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 1:23 pm

I think we've had this one before Keith.

probably before your time!
Marian

mariana44 · Post by **mariana44** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 1:26 pm

I think we have had it at least twice before, but as I guess Keith did not plough through over 30,000 postings he would not have known that.

It is still very amusing.

ROBERT M. · Post by **ROBERT M.** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 11:46 pm

Yes, we have had it 3 times now Keith......................

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 11:56 am

My apologies, folks; I guess it is third time unlucky for me.
It was forwarded to me a few days ago, it was new to me,
and I assumed the event took place last October. I'll forgive
my usually reliable source on this occasion and I trust you
will forgive me in turn.
Keith

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:02 pm

Of course Keith. You couldn't be expected to read through all the entries to check!

Julie Andrews was actually born on October 1st 1935, making her 73.
Marian

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 11:49 pm

Of course not, and considering the amount of postings during the Three and a half years there are bound to be repeats at some time or the other from any of us.
We'll never compete with the telly though.

Gray · Post by **Gray** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 7:27 am

Very funny, Lena

Oops, sorry, now I'm repeating myself.!

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 7:53 pm

Yes Gray, L&H are back on top humorous form
and right about BBC repeats.
Programmes that feature on BBC1 are regurgitated
almost immediately on BBC2. It seems that Auntie
is currently suffering self-inflicted broadcasting dyspepsia.
Keith

ROBERT M. · Post by **ROBERT M.** » Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:34 am

The programmes then get moved to BBC3................then to BBC4

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:16 pm

Perquisites (perks for short) that accrue to
the more mature person:

(1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you

(2) In a hostage situation you are likely
to be among the first to be relaesed

(3) No one expects you to run - anywhere

(4) People no longer regard you as a hypochondriac

(5) There is nothing left for you to learn the hard way

(6) Things you buy are less likely to wear out

(7) You can live without sex but not your spectacles

(8 You quit trying to hold you stomach in no matter
who enters the room

(9) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service

(10) Your secrets are safe with friends because
they can't remember them either.

Keith