Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Not yet Marian thank goodness...........................but I expect L&H will know more about it than I do

[Lena & Harry Smith]

No proven evidence of that yet Robert, the odd afternoon nap we'll admit to

[keithgood838]

I love this salutary tale sent to me
by our joke king, Ed.

ATTESTING APPEARANCES

Meddling Martha, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor
of the community's morals, kept sticking her nose into the private
business of other folk. Numerous members disapproved of her
busybody behaviour but stayed silent in fear of being stung
by her waspish tongue.

She accused Frank, an unsuspecting new member, of being an alcoholic
after seeing his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar, one entire
afternoon. Martha gloried in self-righteously upbraiding Frank
in the presence of others:
'Everyone seeing your vehicle there will know what you were doing!'
A man of few words, Frank stared at her for a few moments,
refused to rise to her bait, then turned and walked away.

Later that evening he quietly parked his pickup in front of Martha's house,
and left it there all night ...

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha, Good one Keith.
Here's another one about macho men that gave us a laugh.

Three men were sitting together bragging how they had given their wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania. He bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the washing up, the laundry, and to dust and clean the house telling her that this would take a couple of days.
On The Third day he came home to a clean house,dishes all washed up, the laundry washed, ironed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,washing up, the cooking .
He then told them that the First day, he did not see any results, but the next day it was better , and by the Third day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The Third man married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told his wife that her duties were to keep the house clean ,the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed , and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said that on the first day, he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see anything, but by the Third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[keithgood838]

Very funny, L&H. In the matter of battered husbands,
Britain leads the way. Having wrested the Ashes from the Aussies' grasp,
now let's rub a little humorous salt in their wounds:

PURPLE PREJUDICE

An Australian couple took their grumpy father to a restaurant
in Sydney to celebrate his 75th birthday. Suddenly he shouts:
'I don't like aborigines!'
The couple are horrified:
'Dad, you can't say that in here.'
But the old man wouldn't shut up:
'I hate aborigines.'
'Dad, you can't say that in a restaurant,
and anyway it's pronounced aubergines.'

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

It's always the way Keith, when we want to be on our best behaviour, it's generally the very young and the old we can rely on in restaurants.

[keithgood838]

A couple of anagrams from the world
of show business:

A pretender = Peter Andre
The magician = Am I cheating?

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Another couple..Piers Morgan ..A Grim Person.
...Alec Guinness... Genuine Class

[keithgood838]

I think we have stumbled serendipitously
on a golden thread here, L&H.

He bugs Gore = George Bush
Occasional nude income = Madonna Louise Ciccone
I am a weakish speller = William Shakespeare

Keith

[Marian]

A few more..
Nigel Havers - girls heaven
Sylvester Stallone - over talentless Sly
Paul McCartney - pay Mr Cleancut

[keithgood838]

Old West Action = Clint Eastwood
Own in drama = Marian Down
(In the sense of being a leading player
on the stage of life; Shakespeare wrote:
'All the world's a stage, and all the men
and women merely players')
Keith
PS I'm off to Cork tomorrow to attend my cousin's wedding;
maybe I'll give my version of My Kind of Girl an airing.
That's not meant to be a joke; on the other hand
you haven't heard me sing.

[Marian]

Thanks for the anagram Keith. At least it wasn't anything terrible!
Keith Good... O hi tek God!

From my U.S. friend Don -
FLASH - JUST IN




Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week.

I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....




"CASH FOR CODGERS"


And it works like
this...Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person.

The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale.
Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not
secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.



Remember you heard it
here first.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Some clever ones there Keith and Marian, here's another couple. Anne Robinson...Born insane ? No.
.Jeremy Clarkson..Only Cars Jerk Me.

Now the anagram of your name was alright Marian, ..but who knows what an anagram of my name could lead to..

So Marian the proposed National Health Care Plan means trading in your Granny then.

[Marian]

I tried your name Lena, but came up with nothing printable

I think the Health Care Plan only applies to the U.S. so at least we two should be safe!!
Marian

[Marian]

I called the Swine Flu hotline ... all I got was crackling.
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.


But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!


Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein
1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all
going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're coming back, is it?