Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Thanks for this posting Marian, this is so clever and funny too. and as for the health care plan, we haven't got to chain ourselves to the railings then

[Marian]

I think we'll be pretty safe Lena, but you never know!

Pleased you enjoyed the last posting

[Marian]

The Bible and a Haircut

A young boy had just received his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, read your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I am really proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this, his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Another good one Marian and another few to keep us lsmiling.

A woman rushed home from work and called to her husband......pack your bags, i've won the lottery.
The husband excitedly asks..should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather ... she says..pack em all, you'r leaving.

A lady inserted an ad in the local newspaper..HUSBAND WANTED.
Next day a hundred replies ....You can have mine.

Hey !!! you just shot my wife .. Oh Dear ...i'm so sorry, here,,have a shot at mine.

No man was ever shot while doing the dishes.

When a woman steals your husband, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him

[keithgood838]

COMMENDED COMPOSURE

A woman's self-absorbed shopping deliberations are rudely shattered
by the squealed demands of a spoilt three-year-old boy being escorted
to the convenience store by his grandad.
It is obvious to her that Grandad has his hands full trying to cope
with temper-tantrum requests for sweets, chocolate and soft drinks
while struggling to remember the necessities.
'Grandad, I want an ice lolly!'
'Now, okay Albert,' says Grandad.
'We won't be long, easy boy.'
Following another outburst she hears Grandad say:
'Easy Albert, just a few more minutes, hang in there.'
At the checkout the little terror throws some items out of the basket.
In a controlled voice, Grandad says:
'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset, we'll be home
in five minutes. Stay cool, Albert.'
Very impressed the woman approaches Grandad outside
as he is depositing his groceries and the boy in the car:
'Sir, it's none of my business, but your coolness under extreme
provocation in there was a joy to behold, a master class in self control.
Albert is very lucky to have a saintly grandad like you.'
'Thanks, lady, replies Grandad. 'I'm Albert,
the little bas tard's name is Basil.'

Keith
(Another gem from you-know-who)

[Lena & Harry Smith]

From our Ed we imagine Keith
We can sympathise with parents when we are out and about, but kids seem to deliberately save themselves for supermarkets to have a tantrum, or scream non-stop, when all we are wanting to do is concentrate on our shopping, apart from strangling the little ........

[ROBERT M.]

The kids act up in supermarkets, because that's where all those lovely sweets and ice creams are sold.................if the kids had their way the shopping trolleys would be full of them............so parents have to put their foot down

[Lena & Harry Smith]

We agree Robert, right on the kids heads

[ROBERT M.]

Definitely L&H

[keithgood838]

Yes folks, and here are some more courtesy of our Ed.

SELF-DEPRECATING SAYINGS
(by the late Rodney Dangerfield)

'My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.'

'A hooker once told me she had a headache.'

'If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.'

'I knew a girl who was so ugly - they used her cure sex offenders.'

'My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.'

'I told my son about the birds and the bees,
he told me about my wife and the plumber.'

'Maybe it's because I'm ugly, why when I was born
the doctor slapped my mother.
They put me up for adoption but the zoo said they had enough baboons.
I never had a Halloween costume, my parents said I was scary looking
without a mask.'

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

funny again from Ed and a tip too. . No 1. to start with, you can't always rely on those egg timers.

[keithgood838]

I have it on reliable authority that the following is a true tale.

OUT OF THIS WORLD

A gathering of internationally famous figures took place
at the stunningly scenic setting of the five-star Sheen Falls Hotel
in Kenmare, County Kerry.
The porter showing moon astronaut, John Glenn, to his room
threw open the doors accessing the balcony
and proudly proclaimed:
'Sure now, I'll bet you've never seen a view to equal that!'

Keith

[usafret]

THANKS TO L&H AND ALL OTHERS THAT ARE ENJOYING THE JOKES
KEITH REALLY KNOWS HOW TO DRESS THEM UP FOR THE BETTER
ED

[mariana44]

You are both doing a great job in keeping us all smiling every day.

[keithgood838]

CARING LADY'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY

Dear Diary - Day one
All packed for the cruise, all my sexiest dresses
and make-up. Really excited.

Dear Diary - Day Two
Entire day at sea, spectacular sightings of whales and dolphins.
Met the captain, seems like an agreeable man.

Dear Diary - Day Three
At the pool today. Also did some shuffle boarding
and hit golf b alls off the deck. Captain invited me
to join him for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time.
He is very attentive and attractive.

Dear Diary - Day Four
Won £800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner
with him in his cabin. Had a sumptuous meal complete with caviar
and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I couldn't be unfaithful to my husband.

Dear Dairy - Day Five
Pool again today, got sunburnt so went inside to piano bar
for remainder of the day. Captain saw me, bought me several
drinks. He is really charming. Invited me to revisit his cabin again
and stay the night. Again I declined. He told me that if I didn't
let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

Dear Diary - Day Six
Today I saved 1,600 lives ...
Twice

Keith
(Again courtesy of our Ed)