Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

WOMEN'S WISHLIST
(Girls' live-by guidelines)

(1) Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything

(2) If the shoe fits, buy them in every colour

(3) Take life with a pinch of salt, a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila

(4) In need of a support group? Cocktail hour with the girls

(5) Go on the 30-day diet (I'm on it and so far I have lost 15 days).

(6) When life gets you down, just put on your big girl panties
and deal with it

(7) Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS
and this is just your personality

(8) I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay.
They know me here

(9) Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

(10) Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing
and makes you walk funny

(11) When life gives you lemons in 2009, turn it into lemonade
then mix it with vodka

(12) Remember where ever there is a good-looking, sweet, single
or married man, there is some woman tired of his bull####

(13) Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood
are the hardest

(14) If it has tyres and testicles it's gonna give you trouble

(15) By the time a woman realises her mother was right,
she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong

'Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them but you know
they are always there. Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow
and live for today.'

Keith
(Ed in Orlando has our womenfolk's wellbeing at heart)

[keithgood838]

THE DRESSING DOWN

A rancher died and left everything to his wife. A good-looking woman,
she was determined to keep the ranch but realised she would need
help. So she placed an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.
Two guys applied, one gay and the other a drunk.
She opted for the gay guy on the assumption she would be safer
in his company.
He worked tirelessly day after day and knew all about ranching.
One day in appreciation of his efforts she suggested that he should
go into town and enjoy himself as a reward.
He agreed gratefully and hit the town one Saturday night.
Hours went by, however, and he did not return. Finally at two-thirty
in the morning he came home to be greeted by the rancher's angry wife
sitting by the fireplace. She beckoned him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she instructed.
Trembling, he did as he was bid.
'Take off my boots.' He complied.
'Now take off my stockings.' she ordered.
He dutifully removed the stockings and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, while keeping his gaze fixed
on her firelight-besparkled eyes.
' Now take off my bra.'
Once more with trembling hands he did as he was told
and dropped the garment to the floor.
She then fixed him with a severe gaze and asserted:
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you.'

Keith
(Another humdinger from Ed.)

[Don Cooper]

In rather poor taste,surely?

Peter Kay's second volume of autobiography contains a photo of him at the Observation Deck of the World Trade Center.The
caption alludes to him appearing to be dressed like a terrorist.

Care should be taken concerning comedy and offence.

[keithgood838]

JOKE: A DEFINITION

Something that is said and done
lightheartedly, a bit of fun
devoid of an intention
to harm anyone.

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

We're slightly amused
and a little confused
how making us laugh is a crime
So disgraced Keith and Ed
Your punishment's...bed
But bring us more jokes in quick time.

[ROBERT M.]

Bum Bum.............................

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ooooo you naughty boy Robert

[ROBERT M.]

Not THAT Bum Bum, L&H............................

[keithgood838]

PERFECT PROSODY
(by L& H)

Your well-rhymed sestet
AAB, AAB,
a stanza that draws the sting from quarrels,
in iambic feet set
skilfully, I can see
I will need to look to my laurels.

Keith

WINNING WEIGHT

At the David versus Goliath big fight weigh-in,
David's manager declared:
'I think the odd stone will make all the difference.'

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

UNDER-CARRIAGE COVER-UP

From the Northwest Florida Daily News
comes this story of a Crestview couple
who drove to Wal-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The husband advised his wife to proceed with the shopping
while he fixed the car.
She returned later to find a group of people observing
the work in progress. On closer inspection, she saw
a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was wearing shorts his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into very public ones.
Unable to withstand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts
thereby tucking the offending display neatly back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up to face her audience.
As she surveyed the scene she found herself staring
incredulously at her husband who had been standing
idly by, obscured by the assembled onlookers.
The bewildered mechanic, however, had to have
three stitches inserted in his forehead.

Keith
(I trust this gem from our Ed
will have you also in stitches,
forum friend.)

[Don Cooper]

Shining Wit Award 2009
Don

[Lena & Harry Smith]

She should have gone to Specsavers

[Don Cooper]

First time a woman has fixed a big end, to my knowledge

[ROBERT M.]

Didn't she recognise it wasn't her husband's......... floppy disc .....................brilliant joke though