Today's Joke

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

Thanks for your support, Gray.


HALLMARK HOWLERS
(Monday morning at the greetings
card office)

My tyre was thumping,
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre
I noticed your cat ...
Sorry!

Heard your wife had left you,
How sad you must be,
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.

I have always wanted
Someone to hold,
Someone loving and kind,
But having met you,
I've changed my mind.

You made me religion-aware
It's true,
I never believed in hell
Till I met you.

Congratulations on your promotion
And to ease my pain,
Please take this knife out of my back
You will need it again.

So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day,
But look on the bright side -
It's very good pay.


Keith
(with textual input from Ed)

[keithgood838]

TOPICAL TEASER

The boss of Ryanair enters a Dublin pub
and orders a pint of Guinness.
'By the way,' he enquires of the bartender,
'how much is a pint these days?'
'Just one euro,' replies the bartender.
'Excellent,' exclaims the smiling, eyebrows-raised CEO.
The bartender continues,
'Will you want a glass with that?'

Keith

[Gray]

Once again, very funny Keith!
I have a friend who travel to Ireland quite a bit, cannot wait to tell him the Ryanair gag

[Don Cooper]

Topical Teaser Pt.2 (Courtesy of Fred McCauley/Mock The Week-BBC)

..."And will you be wanting a head on that Guinness?"

..."Did you forget to reserve it on-line ?"


Don

[keithgood838]

MONKFISH MEAL?

A hungry traveller arrives on a visiting trip
to a monastery and is taken to the kitchens
where he sees a brother frying chips.
'Are you the fish friar?'
he asks in jest.
'No,' quips the brother in reply.
'I'm the chip monk.'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Very very funny Keith

[keithgood838]

Glad you liked it, Robert.

WILFUL ONE-LINERS

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

A drunk attends a court hearing. The judge says:
'You've been brought here for drinking.'
'Okay,' slurs the drunk, 'let'sh get shtarted.'

Someone stole my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

The doctor gave the patient six months to live.
The man couldn't pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor phoned Mrs Cohen: 'Your cheque came back.'
'So did my arthritis.'

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I drove my mother-in-law to the airport.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel door all night.
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asked him:
'Are you comfortable?'
'I make a good living.'

Keith

[mariana44]

My long lost friend Dee, just sent this through to me--I do not remember seeing any of these before.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
> it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
> -----------------------
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
> was a turtle disaster.
> ------------------------
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
> 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
> -----------------------
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
> 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it
> is.'
> ----------------------------
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
> 'Best before End'
> ---------------------------
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
> 'No, just a watch.'
> ------------------------------
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
> bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> --------------------------
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
> ------------------------
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
> said, 'You've got cholera.'
> ---------------------------
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
> name, its P something T something R.
> ----------------------------
> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
> down.
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
> just went on and on.
> ---------------------------
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
> work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
> --------------------------
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
> said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
> this is for the custard.'
> ----------------------
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
> paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
> --------------------------
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
> on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
> you anything.'
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
> outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
> --------------------------------
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
> --------------------------
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
> goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
> ------------------------------
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
> been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
> to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
> me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
> and asked me what had happened... I said 'I careered off the road'
> ----------------------

> -------------------------
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
> shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
> two counts.
> ------------------------
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
> 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> ---------------------------
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
> the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make
> Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
> --------------------------------
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
> Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
> --------------------------------
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

[Marian]

Good ones Marian I don't think I've heard any of them before either.

[Gray]

Loved them.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Appreciated these, thanks Marian,

[keithgood838]

Brilliant, Marian(a), the cachinnation (loud laughter,
I had to find a rhyme) and the punctuation. I have
a soft spot for one-liners, it's near my funny bone.
Keith

[keithgood838]

PERVERSE PRIORITY

An inveterate drunk staggers home with a quarter bottle
of whisky in his back pocket.
Predictably he falls over, then feels liquid running down his leg.
He plaintively invokes divine intervention:
'Please God, let it be blood.'
Keith
(A bit of black humour there, folks.)

[keithgood838]

Here we continue our gallows humour motif:

GRAVEYARD GAGS
(or Endearing Epitaphs)

Sir John Strange; he lies an honest lawyer
and that is Strange
(headstone in England)

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the the gas instead of the brake
(Pennysylvania tombstone)

John Brown is filling his last cavity
(dentist's tombstone)

Here lies Lester Moore; four slugs from a .44;
no less no more
(Boot Hill, Arizona)

I told you I was ill
(In gaelic on Spike Milligan's headstone)

Reunitey in the heavenly-bode, deep joy
(Stanley Unwin died in 2002 and is buried
at Long Buckly with his wife who pre-deceased him)

Alien tears will fill for him
Pity's long-broken ern,
For his mourners will be outcast men
And outcasts always mourn
(epitaph on Oscar Wilde's gravestone -
'ern' is an ancient spelling of 'earn')

Keith