Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Hi Robert, prepare to flex your chuckle muscles in response
to this one from Ed.

MESSIANIC MALEVOLENCE
('Jesus knows you're here')

A burglar made a nocturnal raid on a house.
While shining his flashlight in his quest for ill-gotten
goods, he heard a disembodied voice:
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He clicked off his flashlight and froze in fear.
Following a reassuring silence he shook his head in bewilderment
and proceeded with his evil intent.
As he disconnected a stereo, bell-clear came the same voice:
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out now, he frantically sprayed his light around
in an attempt to locate the terrifying voice.
Finally the beam came to rest on a parrot in the corner of the room.
'Did you say that?' he hissed.
'Yep,' squawked the parrot.
'I was trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses,' laughed the burglar contemptuously,
'what kind of people would name their bird Moses?'
Came the doom-laden reply:
'The kind of people who would name their rottweiler Jesus.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

FIRST FESTIVE FUNNY
(courtesy of Ed)

Three men had untimely deaths on Christmas Eve
and were met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'In honour of the holy season,' announced St Peter,
'you must each provide an item that symbolises
Christmas to gain admittance to heaven.'
The first applicant fumbled in his pockets,
pulled out a lighter and flicked it on.
'It represents a candle,' he proclaimed.
'You may proceed through the Pearly Gates,' said St Peter.
The second appellant reached into his pocket
and produced a set of keys. He shook them
and asserted, 'They're bells.'
'You are hereby granted admittance to the kingdom of heaven.'
said St Peter.
The third aspirant began frantically searching
through his pockets and finally extracted
a pair of women's panties.
St Peter looked askance at the proffered item and enquired:
'What do those symbolise?'
The man replied hopefully,
'These are Carols.'

And so begins this inauspicious start to the Christmas season.

Keith
PS To the purist the missing apostrophe appals
as much as the reference to the missing smalls.

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

Thanks Gray, I hope you will enjoy this one also.

MASTICATING MATRIARCHS

Four Jewish ladies of a certain age
are having a restaurant meal.
The waiter approaches their table warily
and enquires:
'Is anything all right?'

Keith

[keithgood838]

here's another titbit from Ed Harrod's comedy cornucopia:

MOTORING MISOGYNY

This morning on the Interstate
I looked to my left and there was a WOMAN.
In a brand new cadillac.
Doing 75 m.p.h.
With her face a few inches from the rear view mirror.
Putting on eyeliner.
I looked away momentarily and soon
she was halfway into my lane
still applying that make-up.
I don't scare easily,
but now I was unnerved to such an extent
that I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.
In the upheaval of trying to straighten the car,
using my knees against the steering wheel,
my cell phone was knocked away from my ears,
which in turn fell into my coffee,
scalded big Jim and the twins
and disconnected an important call.
SELF-PAMPERED WOMEN DRIVERS!

Keith

[keithgood838]

ADVENT ANIMATION

Two Bethleham shepherds, one of whom had been in the stable
at the time of the holy birth, are excitedly indulging in post-Christmas
conversation.
First shepherd: 'You were lucky to be present,
was the Holy Ghost also there?'
Second shepherd: 'Hard to tell.'
First shepherd: 'What was Joseph's reaction?'
Second shepherd: 'He was gobsmacked!'

Keith

[keithgood838]

POSTAL IMPROPRIETY

Impecunious Paddy was facing the prospect of a bleak Christmas
so he wrote, naively, to his Maker for help.
His letter, addressed to God in Heaven,
read: 'Dear God, times are very bad, please send me
50 euros to tide me over Christmas.'
The Miscellaneous Mail department of An Post
(translates as The Post) took pity on poor Paddy,
had a whipround and sent 25 euros to the address
on his letter.
A few days later another letter addressed
to God in Heaven arrived. This time it read:
'Dear God, thanks for the 25 euros I have just received.
I'm sure you sent the 50 as requested,
but we all know what those b......s at the Post Office are like.'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

[Don Cooper]

Keith. I do rather believe that last one is an adaptation of the Irish Actor and Raconteur, Niall Toibin. I have said routine on a
cassette of his live show in Dublin from the mid-Seventies...

(Most people will know him as Slipper from The Irish R.M. )

[keithgood838]

Thanks Don, the old ones are the best. Anyway Robert enjoyed it.
I'm not too proud to put old coinage back into circulation. The following
is newly minted by our Ed and is posted for the delight of our forum womenfolk.

PERFECT PARTNER

If you want someone who will bring you the paper
without first tearing it apart to remove the sports
section - buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself
through the joy of simply seeing you - buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put
in front of him and never compare it
to what his mother makes - buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticises what you do,
doesn't care whether you are pretty or ugly, young or old,
who loves you unconditionally - buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed
just to warm your feet and who you can push off if he snores -
buy a dog.

If, on the other hand, you want someone who will not
come home when you call, ignores you totally when you
come home, leaves hair all over you, embarks on nocturnal
strayings (a la Tiger Woods) and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as though your entire existence is solely
to ensure his happiness - buy a cat!

Be honest, ladies, you thought we were going to say:
'marry a man'.

Keith

[Marian]

Very true Ed and Keith! Thanks for posting them.
I like this one too..
Shut your wife and your dog in the boot of your car (or trunk in Ed's case) for one hour, and see which one is happy to see you when you open it again!!

Marian

[ROBERT M.]

Is Peter going to try out that theory Marian ?

[Marian]

He'd never lift me in Robert!!

[Marian]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.



"We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"

[keithgood838]

COMPOUNDED CO CK-UP

Thank you Marian, we've all been there
and cried, 'Oh no,' in deep despair,
having copied an erroneous original, my dear.

Here's another cutie (or three) courtesy of Ed:

APPEARANCES & APPURTENANCES

Three were three blonde applicants for the last available
positions on the Texas Highway Patrol.
'So y'all want to be detectives, huh?' enquired the interviewer.
Three pretty heads nodded in agreement.
'To be a detective,' he said stating the obvious,
'you need to be able quickly to detect distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars etc'.
Whereupon he thrust a photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after two seconds.
'Now, did you notice anything unusual about that man.'
'Yes.' she replied immediately. 'He had only one eye.'
'Of course he did,' her interrogator snapped impatiently.
'It's a profile of his face. You're dismissed.'
He repeated the procedure with the second blonde.
She said she noticed he had only one ear.
'Didn't you hear what I just said?' he exploded.
'You're excused too.'
The interviewer turned to the third blonde saying,
'This is probably a waste of time, but did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual about that man.'
'I sure did,' she replied confidently.
'He wears contact lenses.'
The stunned interviewer referred to papers in a folder.
'You're absolutely right,' he exclaimed. 'The man's
bio says that he wears contact lenses. How did you know that?'
'Well helloooooo! With only one ear and one eye,
he certainly couldn't wear glasses.'

Keith