Today's Joke

[Gray]

Lovd both of these, especially yours, Marian.

[keithgood838]

Here's another titillating one, Gray, from the Ed Harrod
compendium of comedy.

EROTIC ENCOUNTER

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido
was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he attracted
the attention of a stunning young blonde woman.
The pair gelled so well that they retired to his apartment
where, as Bernard Bresslaw used to say, they made 'mad passionate love'.
After a tender interlude he smiled: 'You finish.'
She paused, then frowned and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido embraced her once more and the passionate
lovemaking resumed. Afterwards he enquired of her tenderly:
'You finish.'
After another pause she cuddled closer and said softly: 'No.'
Stunned but determined to prove his staying power
Guido mustered his last reserves of strength
and they both ended up prostrate from exhaustion on his bed.
Scarcely able to move his head, Guido returned
her satisfied gaze and asked again:
'You finish?'
'No,' the beautiful blonde purred.
'I Norwegian.'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Another good 'un

[keithgood838]

PEOPLE-PLEASING

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All employees
DATE: 1 December 2009
Subject: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on 23 December, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. Exchanges of gifts are scheduled
for that time, however no gift should be valued at more than
£10 to make it easy on everyone's pocket. This gathering
is for employees only; our CEO will make a special announcement
at that time.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
TO: All employees
Date: 2 December 2009
Subject: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
colleagues. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. Therefore we're now calling the celebration our
Holiday Party. The same policy applies to other employees
who are not Christian and to those still celebration Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
will be sung.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
TO: All employees
Date 3 December
Subject: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, however if I put an Alcoholics Only
name-tab on a table you would no longer be anonymous. How am I
supposed to handle this?
And sorry, but the gift exchange is cancelled, because union members
feel that £10 is too much money, and our executives consider it
a little chintzy.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
TO: All employees
Re: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that the holy month
of Ramadan begins on 20 December, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, maybe the
Grill House can hold off serving your meal until the end of the party
or else package everything, doggy-bag fashion, for you to take it home.
Meanwhile I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to be seated
farthest from the dessert area, while pregnant women will get a table
closest to the restroom.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each group will be allocated its own table. Happy now?

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All employees
Re: The effing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarians nitpickers! We're going to hold this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the 'grill of death' as you so quaintly describe it,
and you'll get your effing tomatoes from the effing salad bar. But you know
tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them.
The rest of you weirdos can kiss my ....s. I hope you have a lousy
Christmas. Drive drunk and die!
The bitch from hell!

FROM: Joan Bishop, acting Human Resources Director
TO: All employees
Subject: Patty Lewis and Holiday party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward you cards
to her. In the meantime she has decided to cancel the Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon off on 23 December with full pay.
Happy holidays!
Joan

Dear forum friends,
May the parties you attend go with a swing,
with the verve of listening to our Matt sing.
Ed & Keith

[keithgood838]

CHRISTMAS CONJECTURE

Once upon a time a perfect man and perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple
was driving the perfect car along a winding road
when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
There stood Santa with a huge bundle of toys. Not wishing
that any children should be disappointed, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys onto their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa were involved in a serious accident.

Only one of them survived, guess who?

The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place, since everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here!

Men may continue.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the woman must have been driving. Hence the accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and still reading this,
it illustrates another point:

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!

Just a joke, ladies, just, we hear you say.
Courtesy of Ed.

[mariana44]

Ed must have a bottomless stash of jokes---thanks guys-you always brighten up my day !!

[Marian]

10 REASONS WHY WE KNOW SANTA IS A MAN..

1. No dress sense.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are nil.
4. Beer belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask directions.
8. Too lazy to shave.
9. Always wears the same clothes.
10.Only willing to do a job where people leave food and drink out for him,
and he doesn't wash the dishes up afterwards.

[keithgood838]

HO! HO! HO!

Very funny Marian,
but when I'm in your town
your chimney will be one
I won't be hurrying down.

For you were very naughty
in deciding to shred,
in the eyes of reindeer company
my hard-won rooftop cred.

Santa Claus


WORLDLY-WISE WOMEN

Barbara Walters, a luminary of American news networks,
paid a return visit to post-Taliban Afghanistan
and was perplexed to note that Afghan women walked
even further behind their husbands than under
the women-denigrating Taliban regime.
She asked an Afghan woman to account for this
retrograde turn of events.
The Afghani looked Ms Walters squarely in the eye and replied:
'Land mines.'

Keith

[Marian]

Subject: Equalities Commission / HSE guidance on 'festive' songs


The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times
and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.



Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty
road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his
discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof
may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for
the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camels’ hooves.



Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
indeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -
including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

SHARED SUFFERING

A couple arrived at hospital to have their baby delivered.
The doctors apprised them of a high-tech medical advance
whereby the wife's labour pain is transferred to the father-to-be.
The couple readily agreed to be guinea pigs in the new
revolutionary process.
'We'll start by setting the dial at 10 per cent,
it'll probably be the most severe pain you have
ever experienced,' a senior doctor sensitively suggested
to the husband.
However, when he presented no adverse affects,
they increased it to 20 per cent. He still felt all right
so they increased the transfer level to 50 per cent.
The husband still showed no discomfort or increased
blood pressure. Meanwhile the wife was enjoying giving
birth virtually pain-free.
Finally they increased the level to the full 100 per cent
and the husband suffered no ill effects. The couple
were delighted with their painless maternity experience.
When they arrived home they found
the milkman dead on the front porch.

Keith

[keithgood838]

FIRST-FENCE FAILURE

A resolution is a determination
that goes in one year and out the next.


SPOUSE-SPOTTING

Groucho Marx was dining in a restaurant
when his former wife walked in.
Groucho remarked drily:
'Marx spots the ex.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

PASSION, PARROT-FASHION

A male customer is browsing in a pet shop
when his gaze falls upon a parrot squatting
on a little perch.
As the bird seems to be devoid of lower limbs,
the man articulates his thoughts:
'I wonder what happened to that parrot?'
and is taken aback when the parrot asserts:
'I was born in this condition, I'm a defective parrot.'
It went on, 'Don't feel sorry for me,
I'm a highly intelligent, educated bird.'
'Since you have no legs, how do you manage
to stay on your perch?' enquired the intrigued customer.
'Well, if you must know, I hook my little progenitor
round it. You can't see because of my colourful plumage.
By the way, I am multi-lingual and I can converse
competently on any topic. You really should purchase
me if you're looking for an illuminating companion.'
The man considered the £200 price tag
and shook his head regretfully.
'Sorry, my finances won't stretch that far.'
'Listen,' whispered the parrot, 'because of my physical
shortcomings I think an offer of £20 would be accepted.'
Sure enough, the bird is proved right and the customer
leaves the shop the proud possessor of a unique pet.
Time passes during which the pair develop a mutually
meaningful relationship.
Then one day the owner arrives home to find the parrot
in an agitated state.
'I don't know how to break this to you,'
it ventured hesitantly, 'it's about your wife and the postman.'
'What about them? growled the husband.
'This morning she greeted him in her racy black nightie.'
'What!' exploded the husband.
'Then what happened?'
'Well, they embraced passionately and moved indoors.'
'No!' exclaimed the frantic husband, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.' replied the parrot excitedly, 'and then he began
to remove her nightie while kissing her all over.'
'Then what happened?' bewailed the aghast husband.
'I dunno, I dunno,' squawked the frustrated parrot,
'I became aroused
and fell off my perch!'

Keith
This joke come courtesy of our man in Orlando,
take a bow, Ed.

[Marian]

Two Irishmen were looking at a catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,
the youngest IRISHMAN asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the catalogue?'

The second IRISHMAN replies......








YOU'LL LOVE IT!



'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday!

[mariana44]

very funny you guys-still managing to make me smile, in spite of still feeling rotten !!!!