Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Nice one Marian and probably all true

[keithgood838]

DEPUTY DOC
(Ole minds the store)

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota, wanted a day off work
to go hunting, so he approached his assistant:
'Ole, I need the day off tomorrow therefore I want you
to take care of all my patients.'
'Yes sir!' crooned Ole enthusiastically.
Having enjoyed his hunting trip the doctored returned
the following day and enquired:
'Ole, how was your day?'
Ole said he had three patients needing attention.
'The first one had a headache, so I gave him tylenol.'
'Bravo mate, and the second one?'
'He had stomach burning so I gave him maalox.'
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, what about the third patient.'
'Sir, a lovely young lady entered the clinic,
disrobed herself of every garment including bra and panties,
dra ped herself provocatively across the treatment table
and pleaded:
'Help me, I haven't seen a man in two years.'
'Tunderin' Lard Jeezus, Ole,' exclaimed the doctor,
'what did you do?'
'I put drops in her eyes!'

Quote from Ed's email:
'Admit it, you thought there would be a salacious sting
in this tale. Good old Ole, he adhered strictly
to the professional code of conduct. BRAVO!'

Keith

[Gray]

Oh Marian, I loved your posting!

Keith, very funny too!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Nice one Keith, I must remember to tell my Irish friend that one tomorrow when she calls.

[Don Cooper]

Tunderin' Lard Jeezus

I rather think this G.P. requires urgent psychiatric intervention. He lapses into cod -Irish from
previously spouting perfect English (Bravo,mate ?) and,rather tellingly, appears to believe an Irishman would have the intelligence to be a real Doctor...

My Jazus

[keithgood838]

RETARDATION RECOGNITION

Yes, it's that time of the year in America
when the Darwin Awards are bestowed
to the less evolved among us. Here is the
glorious winner:

(1) When his .38 revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,
Californian would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

(2) The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger
in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent an employee to check. He tried
the machine himself and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was upheld.

(3) After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,
a Zambabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients
he was transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his negligence, the driver went
to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception went undiscovered for three days.

(4) An guy in Arkansas was desperate for beer, so he decided
to heave a brick through a liquor window, grab some booze
and run. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head knocking him unconscious. The store window
was made of Plexiglass. And the whole event was captured
on videotape.

(5) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
at five a.m and demanded cash. The clerk explained
that he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the guy ordered onion rings, the clerk
informed him that they weren't on the menu for breakfast.
Frustrated, the man simply walked away.

(6) As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk dialled
911 immediately and the woman was able to give the police
a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes
they had apprehended him. The police told the man
to stand for a positive ID. To which he replied:
'Yes officer, that's the woman whose purse I stole.'

Keith

The postscript to this long email of true stories
from our Ed reads: 'They walk among us.'

[ROBERT M.]

Hi Keith. We haven't seen you on here for well over a week now.........I miss reading those jokes from yourself and Ed............I hope you come back and rejoin us very soon ..........I know you will still be smarting from your exchanges last week, but we miss our very own Poet Laureate

[Don Cooper]

[keithgood838]

Thanks Robert.
You obviously put to good use your
time spent in the Diplomatic Corps.
Normal service resumes on this thread
courtesy of our jokemeister, Ed.

SPOUSAL SUPERFLUITY

This is the chastening tale of a wife who returned home unexpectedly
to be greeted by the salacious scenes of her husband in flagranti dilecto
in the marital bed with an attractive young woman.
'You Judas! she screamed hysterically.
'How could you do this to me? I want a divorce.'
'H-hang on,' stammered the trembling husband, 'let me explain.'
'Explain! Explain! This I gotta hear.'
' I was getting into the car to return home from town
when this apparently vagrant young lady asked me for a lift.
She looked bedraggled and under-nourished so I invited her home
for a shower and some food etc.
I heated up the enchiladas I prepared for you last night
but which you didn't eat because you might put on weight.
Then I offered her the underwear I gave you as a present
on our anniversary but which you've never worn because
it reflects my so-called bad taste.
Then I suggested she could have the Dior dress you don't
wear because your friend has an identical garment.
Lastly, I gave her the Jimmy Choo shoes you don't wear
because they are a bit tight.
As she was about to leave she turned to me and wistfully enquired:
'"Please, do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?"'

Keith

[Marian]

Good to see you back Keith.
Marian

[Marian]

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.




Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Loewen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice figures.





10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Loewen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.




10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Loewen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.




10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Loewen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.





10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Loewen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[mariana44]

Very funny Keith and Marian. It is good to have our daily smile back-I have been missing it. Good to see you back Keith-I had posted a couple of comments, but they have vanished into thin air-maybe it is just as well !!!

[Marian]

PUNNY STUFF...
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for
immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[mariana44]

Very clever--and funny !!

[keithgood838]

Thanks Marian and Marian(a).
Here's another joke from Ed that rings too true for comfort:

MISFIRING MEMORY

An elderly couple had finished an enjoyable meal
as guests of their friends, another pair of senior
citizens. The ladies had adjourned to the kitchen
(some sexist traditions are set in stone) when
the gentlemen began to indulge in small talk.
'My missus and I visited a new restaurant a few days ago
and I have to say that the food was very palatable;
I heartily recommend the place,' the guest volunteered.
'Which restaurant was it?' his companion enquired.
His friend paused and then replied with a question of his own:
'What's the name of the red-petalled flower that symbolises love?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one, thank you.'
He then turned towards the kitchen area and yelled:
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we visited on Sunday?'

Keith