Today's Joke

[mariana44]

They were very funny Marian----about a week's worth of jokes there. I thought the funniest one was the traffic ion New York, and the pedestrians.

[keithgood838]

MEASURING UP

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde, intrigued, stopped and asked what they were doing.
'We've got to find the fecking height of this fecking flagpole,'
Paddy replied, making no attempt to disguise his frustration,
'but we haven't got a ladder.'
The blonde pulled an adjustable spanner from her bag,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the flagpole down. She then
took a tape measure from her pocket, made a few measurements
and triumphantly proclaimed:
'That flagpole measures 18 feet and six inches.'
Mick contemptuously declared to Paddy:
'Isn't that typical of a blonde?
We need to know the height,
and she gives us the fecking length!'

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny Marian, thanks for posting those, and so Keith, the fecking length is important to blondes. What about brunettes and redheads.

[keithgood838]

Hi L&H
I don't have any truck with brunettes and redheads nowadays,
my blonde missus is sufficient to keep me on my mettle.
Here are the real-life missing items from Ed to which my censorious
computer took its red pencil last time I tried to post them.
I think it fancies itself as a literary critic.

MUNCHKIN MOMENTS

Clinton (age five)
was in his bedroom looking worried when his mother
enquired as to what was troubling him. He replied:
'I don't know what'll happen to my bed when I get married.
How will my wife fit in it?'

DJ (age four)
stepped onto the bathroom scales and asked:
'How much do I cost?'

James (age four)
was listening to a Bible story his dad read aloud:
'The man named Lot was advised to take his wife
and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back
and was turned to salt.'
Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'

The Sunday sermon this mum will never forget.
The priest, with arms extended towards heaven
and a rapturous expression on his face, began:
'Dear Lord, without you we are but dust.'
Before he could continue my very obedient daughter
leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
four-year-old voice:
'Mum, what is butt dust?'

Keith

[Marian]

Good ones Keith. Thanks for posting.

[keithgood838]

Hi Marian
Ed, God bless him, keeps laughter in my life by sending me
funny emails every day without fail. Here is another:

MATRIMONIAL MILITANCY

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
When she asked him why he replied:
'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year.'
And that's how the fight started.

I asked my wife:
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face glow in appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time.'
So I suggested:
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked:
'Do you want to have sex?'
'No'.
I then said:
'Is that your final answer?'
She replied scathingly: 'Yes.'
So I said:
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me
as I was channel hopping. She asked:
'What's on TV?'
'Dust,' I replied.
And that's how the fight started.

My wife was dropping hints as to what she wanted
as an upcoming anniversary present:
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about three seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started ...

Keith

[keithgood838]

PADDY IMPERTURBABILITY

Three Englishmen in a bar spotted an Irishman.
One decided to 'wind up' Paddy so approached
and tapped him on the shoulder:
'Hey, did you know St Patrick was a drunken loser?'
'Oh really, I didn't know that.'

Dismayed, the Englishman rejoined his mates:
'I insulted St Patrick but the Irishman didn't rise to the bait.'
'Watch and learn,' asserted the second Englishman.
He then walked over to Paddy and exclaimed:
'I heard your St Patrick was a lying, idiotic scumbag.'
'That's news to me,' replied Paddy impassively.
Shocked, the Englishman returned to his mates;
'You're right, he's unshakable.'

The third Englishman sardonically remarked to his mates:
'Boys, leave this to me, I'll find his pressure point.'
He then approached and whispered in Paddy's ear:
'Did you know that St Patrick was an Englishman?'
'Yeah,' replied Paddy.
'That's what your buddies were trying to tell me'

Keith

[Marian]

I thought he was Welsh Keith!

[keithgood838]

Marian, unlike the Englishmen, your rapid-fire
ripostes always hit the humour spot. Magic!
Keith

[Marian]

Well thank you Keith!

Here's another smile for today...

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
'why'?
The worker yelled back,
"Cos his sheila’s here with his lunch."

[Lena & Harry Smith]

I was told he was very good at writing letters.. A B C D E etc.

[Marian]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The
next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,

'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

[keithgood838]

That's a cracker, Marian. Forgive me, but I have a penchant
for putting alliterative titles to jokes. I think I would give your
side-splitter the moniker: DONKEY DOUBLE INDEMNITY.
Keith

[Marian]

Here's another for you to retitle Keith..this was originally called -

LOVE STORY

This old woman named Annette, was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches." she said,

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six.

The judge said, "Then I'll give you six days in jail."


Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband spoke up,

and asked if he could say something.

"Very well," said the judge. "What is it?"

"He said, "she took a can of peas too."

[mariana44]

Where do these come from--that is funny !!