Today's Joke

[Sandra]

I agree Marian -----VERY FUNNY

[Marian]

I have a few on line friends who keep 'em coming!

[keithgood838]

Another rib-tickler, Marian. At the risk of betraying the punchline
I would title it, Tinned Treachery.

CALENDER GIRL COMMENTS
(a bit of blonde banter, courtesy of Ed)

January: took scarf back to store because it was too tight

February: fired from pharmacy for failing to print labels:
'Hello, bottles wouldn't fit in printer.'

March: got really excited, finished jigsaw in six months,
box said two to four years

April: trapped on escalator for hours, power went out.

May: tried to make Kool-Aid, wrong instructions:
eight cups of water won't fit in those little packets

June: last in breast stroke competition, learned later
that other swimmers cheated; they used their arms

July: tried to water ski ... couldn't find a sloping lake

August: got locked out of my car in rain storm;
car swamped because soft-top was open

September: the capital of California is c, isn't it?

October: hate M&Ms, they're so hard to peel

November: baked turkey for four-and-a-half days;
instructions said one per pound and I weigh 108

December: couldn't call 911, 'duh' there's no eleven
button on the stupid phone

Keith

[Marian]

Clever, Keith

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Women are Angels

And when someone breaks our wings

We simply continue to fly…………on a broomstick………..

We are flexible like that.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

And we are also bright Marian ....
We got off the Titanic First, and...
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we are dancing, and..
We have the ability to dress ourselves.

[keithgood838]

BIG BAND BADINAGE

Roy Rogers was on a hunting trip when he became prey himself,
he was savaged to death by a mountain lion.
On arriving at the Pearly Gates he could hear the distinctive
sound of the Glenn Miller band. Miller approached and warmly
greeted Roy;
'To make you feel at home we propose to play a tune that may
be familiar to you.'
'Oh really,' smiled Roy a trifle sceptically.
'Yes, we recently came across a mountain lion
that had to be put down,' explained Glenn Miller.
'He's over there in a cage.'
'So what will you play for me?'
The great bandleader replied:
'Pardon me Roy, is that the cat you knew who chewed you?'

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

That's another good one Keith Thank you.

[keithgood838]

Glad you like it, L&H. Here are some true-words-spoken-in-jest (?)
courtesy of Ed.


AGEIST APHORISMS


Age is important only if you are cheese

I called the incontinence hotline, they said:
'Hold please.'

Impotence: nature's way of saying, 'no hard feelings'

Old is when you're napping, but everyone's worried
that you are dead

Doctor to decrepit old man: 'Remember the 20 years
you added to your life through clean, healthy living?
These are they'


Keith

[Marian]

Quick Thinker

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

[keithgood838]

Customer Services returns policy, Marian?

BUNNY WASH AND BRUSH-UP
(a tale redolent of truth)

Picture a scenario exemplifying life's ups and downs.
Lounging in his garden on a warm summer day,
Jameson and water by his side, a friend's reverie
is suddenly shattered by scuffling animal noises.
To his utter dismay he sees his terrier dragging another
animal under the fence. It is the next-door neighbours'
ten-year-old daughter's pet rabbit. Flopsie is dead.
However, because of its grimy appearance the furry
mammal appears to have put up a bit of a fight.
Distraught, the friend hose-washes the rabbit, dries
it with a leaf-blower, grooms it with a dog-brush,
then climbs over the fence and replaces it in its cage,
in the hope that the family will presume their pet had died
of natural causes.
An few hours later he is jolted by little girl screams
emanating from next door: 'Dddaaadddyyy!'
Being a good neighbour he rushes to the fence
to ask if there is anything he can do.
Standing aghast by the rabbit's cage the father thunders:
'What kind of sick individual would dig up my daughter's
dead rabbit and replace it in its cage?'

CHICKEN COUNSEL

A duck is standing at the side of the road waiting to cross.
A chicken walks by and declares:
'I wouldn't bother mate, you'll never hear the last of it.'

Keith

[Marian]

Ha Ha Keith!!

[keithgood838]

COFFEE CUP COPULATION

Mrs O'Flaherty, a lady of a certain age, consults her physician
to discuss marital matters, specifically her husband's listless libido.
'Why not try Viagra? is the doctor's opening gambit.
'Not a chance,' asserts Mrs O'Flaherty adamantly.
'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Give him Irish Viagra,
that's when you drop it surreptitiously into his coffee,
he won't even taste it.'
A week later she phones the doctor to report her progress.
'Doctor, I slipped the little blue miracle worker into his drink
as you suggested and the result was spectacular.
With a lustful look in his eye, and with one expansive sweep
of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying.
He took me passionately there and then on the table top.
It was the stuff of nightmares.'
'Why so terrible? enquires the perplexed physician.
'Was the sex no good?'
'Feckin' Jaysus, it was the best sex I ever enjoyed.
But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.'

This one comes courtesy of Ed.

[Marian]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding
how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.


He replied, "No money in the bank."


The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"


He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are
not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."


The patient replies, "Then, send the bill to my brother-in-law. "*

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha Great Jokes Keith and Marian.

[keithgood838]

ANOTHER NUN STORY
(I hope not a non-story)

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns:
'Sister, this is a 55MPH highway, why are going so slow?'
'Because I saw a sign that said 41, not 55.'
'Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name
of the highway.'
'Oh really, thanks for telling me.'
At this point the cop notices that the nuns in the back seat
are ashen-faced and shaking:
'Excuse me Sister, but what's the matter with your colleagues?'
She replies shame-facedly:
'We've just come off highway 110.'