Today's Joke

[Gray]

I enjoyed this collection of gags too!

[keithgood838]

NEAT NOMENCLATURE

The Times of 18 march 2010 included a report
on the Vienna Boys' Choir being caught up
in the paedophile scandals sweeping the Catholic Church
in Germany and Austria. Copy filed by Roger Boyes.

Keith

[Marian]

IRISH BURIAL AT SEA..

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,

who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to

bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the

boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in

a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer

enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to

Find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side

again but the water is only up to his belly, so

they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer

enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost

immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy

slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is

really getting himself into a state when suddenly

Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

.

'Aye it 'tis,' said Paddy, 'now hand me de

shovel.'

[mariana44]

I did not see that punch-line coming !!

[keithgood838]

BUCOLIC BARGAINING

A Montana rancher drove to a neighbouring ranch.
His knock on the door was answered by a small boy:
'Is your dad home?'
'No sir, he went to town.'
'Is your mother in?'
'She went with my dad.'
'Your brother?'
'He went with my mum and dad.'
Nonplussed, the rancher began shifting uncomfortably
from foot to foot.
'Is there anything I can do?'
offered the little boy helpfully.
'Well,' explained the embarrassed rancher,
'I really need to speak to your dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter
Susie pregnant.'
The boy considered the situation for e few moments,
then replied:
'I know Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
I don't know how much he gets for a Howard.'

Compliments of Ed

[Marian]

AMISH ELEVATOR


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.


The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life. I
don't know what it is'.


While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a large old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving
walls and pressed a button.


The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room.


The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.


The father said quietly to his son .......

'Go get your mother.'

[keithgood838]

MATRIMONIAL MISCONCEPTIONS
(ground rules for the distaff side)

(1) Men are not mindreaders

(2) Learn to work the toilet seat.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down

(3) Sunday sports are like the full moon
or tidal changes. Let them be.

(4) Crying is blackmail

(5) Ask for what you want; subtle hints
do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

(6) Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers

(7) Come to us if you want a problem solved;
that's what we do

(8) Anything we said six months ago is inadmissable
in an argument

(9) If you think you are fat, you probably are -
don't ask us

(10) If something we said can be interpreted
in two ways and one makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

(11) Either ask us to do something or tell us
how to do it, not both

(12) Whenever possible give us the benefit
of your words of wisdom during the commercials

(13) If it itches it will be scratched, we do that

(14) Christopher Columbus did not need directions,
and neither do we

(15) If when we have to go somewhere
absolutely anything you wear is fine, really

(16) Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss football or golf

(17) We are in shape, round is a shape

Keith
Sorry ladies, we love you really

[keithgood838]

WORDPLAY ON WHEELS

On the side of the Coventry City mobile library
are printed the words:
'The book stops here.'

[Marian]

An oldie, but a goodie...
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-lb potato bag.

Then try a 50-lb potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Marian]

Some more oldies...but always good for a laugh

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff........ boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it...

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha ...Had such a laugh at these. Thanks Marian. Thanks Keith for your
funnies too.

[Marian]

Thanks Lena and Harry.
Here's another..

ENJOY..THIS....


4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.

[mariana44]

Loved them all-very funny !!!

[Gray]

Yes, really funny - enjoyed reading these!

[Sandra]

BRILLIANT!