Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

FIERY FAUX PAS

A Canadian arrived at his holiday destination in Florida;
his wife was due to meet him the following day, so he decided
to send her an email. However, he mistyped her address by
one character consequently his message was directed instead
to the inbox of a vicar's wife whose husband had passed away
just the day before.
When the hapless, newly widowed wife read the email she let
out an anguished shriek, then fainted. It read:
'Dearest wife, I've just arrived and I look forward
to your arrival tomorrow. Sure is hot down here.'

[ROBERT M.]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'


Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

[ROBERT M.]

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

Queue is the only word in the English language which has four vowels with no consonants between them.

That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"? ...............

[ROBERT M.]

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it.

Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem.

Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.

They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler.

They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age, the Moon Landing and the Carburettor.

They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologise.

If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.

Old Farts trust strangers are courteous to women and help others without asking for anything.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone swears or curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage, personal integrity, self respect and respect for others.

They seldom brag unless it's about how beautiful their wife is their children or their grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politician's, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country



Old farts cry on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month for fallen heros.


This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.


We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the Old Farts and young ones you know.

I was taught to respect my elders.

It's just getting harder to find them.............

[keithgood838]

I enjoyed reading your plethora of posted stuff, Robert.
I think I qualify for the appellation, OF, on numerous counts,
e.g. your linguistic post -all new to me- would have admirably
resurrected the Authors' Annexe, and I think you missed (deliberately?)
instances wherein a woman enlarges what she is given.
Keith

[keithgood838]

DROLL DEFINITIONS DICTIONARY

Alimony - the cost of loving
Autobiography - car log book
Baloney - where some hemlines fall
Broadband - girl musical group
Condescend - prisoner escapee using a rope
Constipation - to have and to hold
Dermatologist - one who makes rash judgments
Diplomacy - Lying is state
Echo - the only thing that can stop a woman having the last word
Experience - the name men give their mistakes
Fad - something that goes in one era and out the next
Fisherman - a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end
Genius - a crackpot who hits the jackpot
Gossip - letting the chat out of the bag
Handicap - ready to use hat
Hanging - a suspended sentence
Intoxication - feeling sophisticated but unable to say it
Knighthood - honour bestowed by a monarch to change a subject
Lactose - the result of frostbite
Matrimony - a knot tied by a preacher, untied by a lawyer
Miser - someone who lets the world go buy
Negligent - absent-mindedly opening the door in your nightie
Oblivion - fame's dumping ground
Pacifist - someone who fights everybody except the enemy
Parasites - what you can see from atop the Eiffel Tower
Reindeer - a horse with a hat rack
Rhubarb - celery gone bloodshot
Selfish - what a seafood store owner does
Stalemate - a husband who has lost his ardour
Syntax - a way of paying for your typos
Tea - break fluid
Toothache - the pain that drives you to extraction
Undertaker - the last guy to let you down
Vacuum - a broom with a stomach
Worry - interest paid before it falls due
Writ - past tense of write
Yawn - an honest opinion openly expressed
Yelping - shouting half the name of a table tennis game

[Lena & Harry Smith]

This is so clever ans so funny , thanks Keith,
I hadn't thought of tea as break fluid, all I know is I use a lot of it.

[Marian]

VERY CLEVER Keith. We enjoyed them.

[keithgood838]

Glad you were amused by them, L&H and Marian.
The following funny comes courtesy of our Ed.

LOVING LONGEVITY - Italian style

At a St Mary's Catholic church weekly marriage seminar,
the priest enquired of Guiseppe, who was approaching
his 50th wedding anniversary:
'Please give us some insight into how you managed to stay
happily married to the same woman all these years.'
'Wella, I've tried to treat-a her nice-a, spenda da money
on her, but besta of alla is, I took her to Italy on our
25th anniversary.'
'Guiseppe,' purred the priest, 'you are an inspiration
to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning
for your wife on your 50th anniversary.'
'I'm agonna go and get her.'

[keithgood838]

MUCH MALIGNED MALES

A piqued (some would say perspicacious) woman
once offered the following observation on menfolk:
'A man is like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love him,
a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his feckin' head in,
and a spade to bury the bas tard.' Ouch!
The gentle sex?

Ed is the masochist behind this one, too.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha Ha, Ha.... I Love it

[Marian]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said, ” I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house".

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it".

The other brothers were impressed.


After the holidays Mom sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: “ Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway".

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks".

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same".

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you".

[keithgood838]

That's a spiritual titbit, Marian. Let's continue the religious theme:

ECCLESIASTICAL EXPOSITION

On concluding his Sunday sermon a priest announced to his flock:
'Next Sunday I intend to preach on the subject
of falsehoods. I therefore recommend that everyone reads
chapter 17 of Mark's gospel, the better to maximise
the meaningfulness of my message.'
True to his word, as the pastor was about to begin
his sermon the following Sunday he enquired of his congregation:
'How many of you made the effort to read chapter 17
of Saint Mark's gospel as I advised.'
A forest of hands shot up.
'You are the ones I need to address my remarks to,'
asserted the vicar.
'Mark only comprises 16 chapters.'

[Marian]

Good one Keith!

[keithgood838]

Here's another nugget hewn from Ed's goldmine, Marian:

REUNION RECTITUDE

Letitia lived her life for the joys of sex and procreation;
and to be fair she always indulged her passions within
the confines of marriage.
She had eleven children with her first husband, Henry,
who sadly passed away in his prime. Seldom was seen
such a contented-looking corpse.
She had seven children with her second husband, Simon,
who died suddenly of heart failure. Undaunted, Letitia
embarked on the stormy seas of marriage, yet again,
and had four more children with her third husband, Tom.
He too prematurely succumbed to the rigours of life
on board the steamy ship, Letitia. Although he was said
to have died with a smile on his face.
Having lived a fruitful life Letitia eventually followed
in her husbands' fateful footsteps.
The priest officiating at her funeral thanked the Lord
for the life of such a bountiful, loving woman and declared:
'Lord, they are together at last.'
Millicent nudged her companion, Nora, and whispered:
'Which husband do you think he is referring to?'
'I think he means her legs, Millicent.'