Today's Joke

[maureen & harry]

We just love reading the jokes that appear here and I was wondering if I wanted to email some of them to my friends, is it possible to extract the text part only as I wouldn't want to include anyone's personal details on the attachment.

Please keep the jokes coming as they say that laughter is the best medicine so this page should give us all a healthy start to the day!

Maureen & Harry

[Marian]

You should be able to copy the part you want to transfer Maureen and Harry and then paste it onto your email.

[keithgood838]

Glad you enjoy them Maureen & Harry. As far as I am concerned
copy away and spread a little happiness.

DEFINING DECADES

A group of ladies who went to the same secondary school,
so to speak forerunners of Friends Reunited, decided to meet up
to celebrate their birthdays.
For their fortieth they went to the Ocean Grill because it was
staffed by handsome young waiters.
For their fiftieth they chose the same venue; the seascape views
there were irresistibly stunning.
For their sixtieth they again chose the Ocean Grill because
the menu comprised easily chewable dishes.
For their seventieth they decided to continue to frequent
the restaurant, but this time because it provided wheelchair access.
And for their eightieth they went to the Ocean Grill because they
had never been there before.



PS I'm off tomorrow for five days of golfing gratification
in West Cork; I'm sure my fellow contributors will keep
the funnies flowing.

[ROBERT M.]

Have a swinging time Keith

[keithgood838]

Thanks Robert, I'll give it my best shot.

[ROBERT M.]

Don't forget to stay on the straight and narrow, Keith

[keithgood838]

I was in the rough more times than I care to mention, Robert.
Fortunately, I had enough balls to complete my round each time.

WELFARE WONDERLAND

On being handed his monthly unemployment benefit cheque,
a lifestyle dole recipient comments disingenuously to the clerk:
'I actually hate drawing dole money; I'd much rather be working.'
'As it happens,' chirrups the clerk, 'we have just received
notification of an opportunity. A wealthy gentleman requires
a chauffeur and bodyguard to escort his beautiful daughter on
her overseas holiday trips; all of your clothing will be provided
and your duties will include satisfying the young lady's strong
sexual urges.'
As the gleam in the claimant's eye rapidly dims he ventures drily:
'I think you're takin' the proverbial ...'
'You started it.'

The American version of this joke courtesy of Ed.


DIAGRAMMATICAL DISPOSITIONS

Participants in the DIY League, the Ikea football team
play with a flat-pack four.

[keithgood838]

BULLETIN BLOOMERS

We shall be meeting on Wednesday 11 April
when the subject will be: 'Heaven, how do we get there?'
Transport is available at 7.55 pm from the bus stop
opposite the Harewood Arms.

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing
of every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self-Esteem Support group will meet on Thursday
from seven to 8.30 pm. Please use the back door.

Pastor in on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Due to the rector's illness Wednesday's healing services
will be discontinued until further notice.

Tonight's sermon: What is hell?
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning, to join the choir.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick
of our church and community.

[keithgood838]

SPORTING SMILES

A newspaper today refers to US Ryder Cup captain
Corey Pavin as 'Crazy Pavin' because he invited
an heroic Air Force pilot to motivate his team.
Arsenal's accident-prone reserve goalkeeper Lucasz Fabianski
has been dubbed 'Flappy Handski' by the club's 'supporters'.

[keithgood838]

CONNUBIAL CONTUMELY

My wife and I were sitting at the breakfast table
when I requested of her:
'If I should die suddenly, I want you to sell all
of my stuff immediately.'
'Now why would you want me to do that?'
she demanded in frowning puzzlement.
'I figure you would eventually remarry
and I don't want some moron using my stuff.'
'What makes you think I would marry another moron?'

Original American version courtesy of Ed.

[Gray]

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Just another reminder of goalkeeper Gary Sprake goalkeeper for Leeds playing Liverpool 1967,... hurled the ball in the back of the net setting off the wags in the crowd singing Des O' Connor's... "Careless Hands".

[Gray]

I heard Jack Charlton talking about that in the summer.
His back was turned and didn't see Gary Sprake's error.
When the crowd roared he turned to the ref and asked what had happened, after learning of the mistake Big Jack said, "He did WHAT!?...." and then you can imagine the language as he turned on Mr Sprake and gave him a piece of his mind!

[keithgood838]

DISLOCATED DIAGNOSES

'I can't find the cause of your illness,'
admitted the doctor.
'It must be the drinking.'
'In that case,' replied the patient,
'I'll come back when you're sober.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Can definitely imagine Jackie Charlton Gray, Sadly a mistake like that and the song to go with it will haunt Sprake for the rest of his days

Love the joke Keith.