Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Hi Lena & Harry; here's another courtesy of Ed.

PUNNING THE PROFESSIONS

My first job entailed being employed at an orange juice factory,
but I got canned; couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it.

After that I tried being a tailor, but I found I wasn't
suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,
but that was too exhausting.

I tried being a chef; I figured it would add
a little spice to my life, but I didn't have the thyme.

Next I attempted being a deli worker, but however I sliced
it I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was when I was a musician, but eventually I found
I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

I worked at a shoe factory; I tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a sea-going fisherman, but I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company,
but the work was too draining.

So I got a job at a gym, but they said
I wasn't fit for the work.

I studied to become a historian until I realised
there was no future in it.

My last job was at Starbucks, but I left that because
I couldn't cope with the daily grind.

So I tried retirement and found the job suits me perfectly.

[keithgood838]

EARRING ERRING

The catalyst for earring-wearing by men
is often the subject of speculation - mostly by men.
Here we offer a clue to the unravelling of the mystery.

A guy turns up for work one day and his fellow-worker
cannot fail to notice his mate sporting a sparkling earring.
His naturally conservative disposition is overwhelmed
by intense curiosity at this sudden change of fashion sense.
He approaches his workmate and ventures:
'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'It's no big deal,' comes the sheepish reply,
'it's only an earring.'
His friend falls silent for a few moments, then curiosity
once more imposes its iron grip on his mind:
'How long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

Another jewel of a joke courtesy of Ed

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Thanks Ed and Keith. Got to have something to smile about, specially as the grey matter isn't what it used to be.
I had to wrap up and put extra clothing on the other day while doing a bit of painting. It said on the tin...put on Two coats.

[keithgood838]

I think that one is a gimme, Lena. You simply did
what it said on the tin. Here's another:

GOLF GIMME

A young couple swept away by the pulsating passion
of a whirlwind romance tied the knot when it was at its height.
Afterwards, the husband confided to his new bride:
'Honey, I have to confess to being a golf fanatic;
you won't see much of me at weekends.'
'What a coincidence,' she declared sweetly.
'I, too, have a confession to make: I'm a hooker.'
'That's no big deal,' he cheerfully assured her,
'keep your head down, keep your left arm straight,
and you will cure that tendency to pull.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Oh well ...very compatible couple except, the difference his passion involves golf balls,

[keithgood838]

Hi Lena & Harry
Your witty rejoinder reminded me of a story,
probably apocryphal, which was doing the rounds
of the Civil Service during the Thatcher years.
In the the prime minister's in-tray a memo had arrived
at the bottom of which a civil servant had written:
'Round objects.'
Mrs T, God bless her, attached a note of her own
and sent it back to the head of the department whence it came.
She wrote: 'Who is Round and why does he object?'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Typical remark one would expect from Maggie. Keith.
We we at an award ceremomy for the disabled when our son was part of a winning entry enterd by his school in the Seventies.
Maggie who was then Secretary of State for education presented the prize.
A pretty lady, it's a wonder they haven't ever wanted her on Strictly Come Dancing.

[Marian]

Great stories guys

A little late for Maggie now I suspect.

[Marian]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!



My apologies if I've added this before. I still think it's funny.

[keithgood838]

It's new to me Marian and the squeals of anguish
from Mummy Bear are all the funnier for containing
more than a few grains of truth: 'many a true word ...'

DIZZYING DISCOURSE

A blonde visiting a zoo is seen by a keeper
throwing £10 notes into the elephant enclosure.
'Why are you throwing money to the elephants,'
he demanded in bewilderment.
'The sign says it's okay,' she insisted.
'The sign does not say it's okay,'
he asserted in increasing irritation.
'No it doesn't,' the blonde asserted,
'it says: "Do not feed. £10 fine."'

[keithgood838]

CULINARY CALAMITY

The waitress in a New York restaurant
serves the soup de jour to the gourmand
who looks at it in dismay:
'Good heavens, what is this?'
'Why it's bean soup,' she declares.
'I don't care where it's been,' he splutters,
'what is is now?'

[keithgood838]

QUAINT QUESTIONS

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
'Nice belt.'

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.

What's worse than a bull in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory.

[Marian]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!






Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.








NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.







SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS ..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.









THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[ROBERT M.]

The head monk is obviously called.............Alvin

[keithgood838]

I am scheduled to undergo my annual health check-up tomorrow;
some health humour, therefore, seems timely:

MEDICAL MIRTH

A male patient attends his local surgery
and tells his doctor he's suffering from
a long list of illnesses.
'The trouble with you,' asserts the GP,
'is that you're a hypochondraic.'
'Oh no,' wails the patient.
'Don't tell me I've got that as well.'

'Doctor, doctor. I've swallowed a bone.'
'Are you choking?'
'No, I really did!'

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

'Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my posterior.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'