Today's Joke

[Marian]

Thank you Keith, although I can't take any credit for it.

It's getting worrying about Ed isn't it? I'm sure he woild have let you know if he was just going away. I did try emailing him too.

[keithgood838]

Yes Marian, this is an occasion on which no news isn't good news.

PUNCTURED PRIDE

A well-known entertainer visited a care home
to cheer up the residents, but was dismayed
to discover that nobody recognised him.
Eventually he approached a frail elderly gentleman
and committed the cardinal celebrity sin by asking him:
'Do you know who I am?'
'No,' whistled the old guy unwittingly through his teeth,
'but don't worry. Matron will tell you.'

[keithgood838]

DAYTIME DISCOMFITURE

On yesterday's edition of the quiz programme,
The Chase, a journalist failed to answer even one of
the fifteen or so relatively easy questions fired at him.
He introduced himself as a Corkhead, a native
of the Isle of Wight, a moniker that derives
from an element in the construction of a boat, apparently.
He also volunteered the information that, in writing
about an unexploded bomb found on the island,
he wrote a headline for the local paper which read:
SHELL FOUND ON BEACH.
Who said daytime telly was boring.
By the way, the unfortunate fellow's name was Keith.

[Marian]

Hi Keith,
Thanks for those. I've heard the matron joke before but it always raises a smile!

I asked Michele if she knows anything about Ed, and said we were getting concerned about him. Someone will phone him today to see if he's okay.
I'll let you know if there's any news.
Marian x

[keithgood838]

Thanks for your efforts re Ed, Marian.
I know Michele met him in Orlando and will
be concerned, as we all are, about the absence
of this stalwart member of the Monro forum 'family'.
Keith

[Marian]

Keith,
Michele reported back that Ed has pneumonia and a chest infection, he is quite poorly and won't be on the forum for a while. Our best wishes were passed on to him, so he knows we are all wishing him well.
I seem to remember he had a similar bout a few months back so hopefully he will bounce back as he did then.

[keithgood838]

Whew, what a relief! Thank you Marian.
Also a big vote of thanks is due to Michele.
In the eerie silence from Orlando, I was beginning
to fear the worst. I'm sure we all endorse the
conveyed good wishes for the speedy return
of Ed to this forum.
Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

So sorry to hear that our great mate Ed has been poorly.
We all enjoy the jokes contributed from both Keith and Ed that put a smile on our faces, so get well soon Ed. We are thinking of you !!!

[john]

Hope that you are feeling better soon Ed.

[keithgood838]

GETTING THE BIRD

A man visits a rabbi and enquires about the possibility
of burying his pet racing pigeon in the Jewish cemetery.
'A pigeon in our cemetery,' asserts the incredulous rabbi.
'It's out of the question.'
'Oh dear,' mutters the disappointed pigeon fancier,
'I have set my heart on burying my lightning-fast
champion in sacred ground. Do you think the Methodists
would agree to let me use their cemetery for five hundred pounds?'
'Five hundred pounds,' exclaims the rabbi,
'why didn't you tell me it was a Jewish pigeon?'

[mariana44]

A massive hole in this part of the forum, following the sad news about Ed. We will all miss him.

[keithgood838]

Let us keep this thread giggling along in Ed's memory.

SIGMATICALLY SPEAKING
(Well it's topical)

A guy bumps into (not literally) an old friend emerging
from a new Rolls Royce. 'How did you do so well?'
asks the guy.
'Oh,' replies his stuttering friend,'
'I s-s-sell c-c-copies of the B-b-bible d-d-door
to d-d-door.'
'That's amazing,' states his friend,
'how do you manage to sell so many?'
'W-e-ll, I j-j-just s-s-show them c-c-copies
and a-a-ask them if they w-w-would r-r-rather
b-b-buy one or h-h-have me r-r-read it to them.'

Teacher to a student:
'Jenny, what's a thimble?'
Jenny: 'Is it a thort of thign?'

[Marian]

Agreed Keith, Ed would have wanted us to remember him in this way.

[Marian]

Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

[keithgood838]

That's a novel variation on the Irish theme, Marian.
Usually it is a joke about tree fellers, not tree planters.

MOVING MUSIC

Indignant wife to husband:
'Why do you always walk out onto the balcony
whenever I sing? Don't you like to hear me?'
Husband: 'It's not that; I just want to assure the neighbours
that I am not a wife-beater.'