Today's Joke

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Fri Jan 22, 2016 9:39 pm

keithgood838 wrote:Karl, politicians are such shrinking violet, modest types
they would never be so presumptuous as to assume their
election was a foregone conclusion.
:roll:
Yes Keith and the tooth fairy left a shilling under Santa's pillow
! :wink:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:33 pm

I'm always entertained by politicians' gaffes, viz:

While visiting a school in Trenton, New Jersey,
presidential vice-president hopeful, Dan Quayle,
told a 12-year-old student he had misspelled 'potato'
and proceeded to add an incorrect 'e'.

'No one, however smart, however well educated,
however experienced, is the suppository all wisdon,'
Tony Abbott, Australian opposition leader informed
a Liberal Party event in melbourne.

Todd Akin, Missouri Senate candidate, declared that
there was such a thing as 'legitimate rape'.

How can you have Trident nuclear submarines carrying
nuclear missiles without nuclear warheads?

:wink: :roll:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:24 am

PITHY PAIR

Our dog was upset when we built a six-foot high fence
around our garden. That was a week ago and he still
hasn't got over it.

My dad laboured at the Highways Agency for 20 years
before getting sacked for stealing.
I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home
all the signs were there.

:wink:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:47 am

Aw Keith it's the way you tell 'em! :lol:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Feb 06, 2016 10:24 am

I hope you'll think it's the way I tell this one, Karl?

NOISY NEIGHBOURS

A Scotsman had recently moved down to London
where he was renting an apartment.
Soon after his diligent mother phoned from Dundee
to ask how he was settling in.
'Aye, it's not too bad,' he replied hesitantly,
'but the woman next door shouts all night
and the guy on the other side keeps banging
his head against the wall.'
'Never mind them, son,' she asserted reassuringly,
'don't let their weird ways get to you. Just ignore them.'
'Aye that I do mother, I just keep playin' me bagpipes.'

:wink:

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ROBERT M.
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:11 am

:lol: :lol: ........must be the way you tell em Keith :wink:
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed Feb 10, 2016 12:44 pm

Here's one for the golfers, Robert:

MIND OVER MATTER

Cyril was a single-figure handicap golfer who suffered the additional
handicap of a mental block at the eighth hole of his local course.
The problem was that the approach to the green necessitated a long iron
over a large lake. Cyril invariably suffered the sinking feeling of despair
on seeing that telltale splash of his ball disappearing beneath the ripples.
The agony at the eighth spoiled Cyril's round to such an extent that his
playing partner suggested a consultation with a therapist to rid him of
his phobia.
Accordingly, Cyril booked a series of sessions with a therapist who,
through hypnosis, was able to plant thoughts in his mind. In the pictured
scene, at the eighth Cyril would not see the lake ahead but instead a lush
velvet landscape stretching all the way to the green.
Weeks later a group were sitting in the clubhouse when one remarked:
'I haven't seen old Cyril lately.'
'Haven't you heard?' a fellow member enquired.
'He drowned at the eighth four weeks ago.'

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:16 pm

LOL Keith, keep em' comin!

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:08 am

Keith, Ricky Fowler should have seen a therapist.........he ended up in the water twice at the same hole at the weekend :wink:
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:44 pm

ELITE ENLARGED

Landing in water does not mean
that one has failed;
Fowler did so in Dubai
yet he prevailed.
So the supreme threesome
hold sway no more -
at Augusta they will complete
a fabulous four.

:)

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sat Feb 13, 2016 3:38 am

"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:13 pm

Robert, Fowler won the Dubai classic beating Spieth and McIlroy
didn't he? Let's hope I am more accurate with the following:

PLANTAGENET PATRONAGE

Uneasy lay King Richard III
in his car park location
but his re-interment rescued
(in their first game thereafter the winning
goal was scored by Andy King)
Leicester from near-certain relegation.

Now from their throne re-named Kingpower,
The Foxes celebrate each passing regal hour.

:)
Last edited by keithgood838 on Mon Feb 15, 2016 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Sun Feb 14, 2016 6:26 pm

LOL Keith!! Ha ha.. was expecting a Valentines Day joke from you!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 8:30 pm

Sorry Eman, no topical joke and thanks Robert for the
Rickie Fowler link - I haven't been paying attention lately.
Here's a joke to make amends:

DIABETES DIAGNOSES

A lady in her sixties took her grown-up daughter to one side
and asserted: 'Darling, I haven't got diabetes because I am fat;
I have it because the disease runs in our family.'
The daughter shook her head in despair: 'No Mum, you have diabetes
because no one runs in our family.'

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Tue Feb 16, 2016 2:57 am

LOL!!!! Ha ha.. there is truth in that Keith!! Ha ha..

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