The Credit Crunch

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:47 pm

What's the capital of Iceland ? - About Â£3.50.

* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

* Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

*What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

*As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair'.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

*A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch, so we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

*The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

*Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed - they've called in the retrievers.

*What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

*Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank. A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

You know it's a credit crunch when...
* The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
* There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
* The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
* Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
* Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
* Highgrove has been repossessed.
* Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
* Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

john · Post by **john** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 12:06 am

That's a good one Marian.

Gray · Post by **Gray** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:26 am

Brilliant, Marian.

Loved the joke about the Prime Minister.

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:18 am

Someone sent me this today, I thought it might amuse some of you.

BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME TO THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH, WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH, I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG AND BROWN WAS A TREE.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:50 am

Very funny, Marian.
Verily, an adaptation of the Psalm of David (no 23)
henceforth to be known as the Psalm of Gordon.
Keith

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Mar 06, 2009 12:58 pm

DIAGNOSIS & PROGNOSIS

A build-up of blockages in the banking system,
so to speak, financial constipation,
for which the treatment is 'quantitative easing'.
However, a concern is that the medicine
could cause galloping inflation -
an outcome equally displeasing ...

Keith