Hi All From Seamus

[SEAMUS]

Mick And Sean, Irish labourers,in their digs in Kilburn,London,....

Mick ,writing a letter to his Mother in Ireland,


Sean, how do ye spell that,ll?

Sean,theres no such word ,whats the sentence your writing?

Mick,well im asking me mammy to send me a pair of boots that,ll fit me.

Sean, are you thick or what, its not that,ll, its what,ll.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Nice one Seamus. here's one. ...I have an Irish lady who comes in to do my hair, and yesterday she arrived in the time between the Irish workman Michael being here to re-varnish our door and the door step, and then unbelievably disappearing every few minutes to bring something from the van that he had forgotten.
I had already answered and spoken to him Three times, but just as Michael knocked again I was about to go under the drier, so my friend opened the door to find him already on his knees ready to varnish the step. Then he looked up and saw her and said... Be Jesus I'm at the wrong door, and scrambling to get up, he somehow toppled over sideways so I had to assist her to get him to his feet. This wasn't easy. At a guess he weighs 16 stone.
After us all having a cup of tea, I then reminded and showed him that he himself had just put the shiny new numbers on our door.

[keithgood838]

Funny story, L & H; had the guy been for some lunchtime
liquid refreshment?

NAME-CALLING WORDPLAY

A couple of eye-catching snippets fron today's papers:
Voice coach to the rich and famous (currently George Osborne)
is one Sylvia Rasp. Perhaps she should change her name
to the more upmarket, Sylvia de Rasp?

Right-wing zealot Jonathan Furey was so 'fureyous' on hearing
that Hillary Clinton would be America's new secretary of state
that he bit so hard on his pipe, he broke three teeth. It's always
been my belief that pipe-smoking was a peace-inducing pastime.

Keith

[keithgood838]

Joke for Seamus; I hope you haven't heard it.

CATHOLIC HORSE

A punter at the south Armagh steeplechase meeting
noticed that a Catholic priest blessed the forehead
of the horse that turned out to be the eventual winner
of the race each time. Before the last race the priest
appeared to bless the eyes, ears and hooves of an old nag.
'This is a foolproof system,' thought the punter,
'I'll put every penny I possess on that horse.'
Alas, it fell at the first fence and had to be put down.
The punter confronted the priest, 'Father, what happened?
Throughout this race meeting every horse you blessed
won. Now thanks to you I've lost my life savings.'
The priest nodded sagely and replied, 'Son, that's the problem
with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between
a blessing the the last rites.'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Keith

[SEAMUS]

Hi Keith, Thats a cracker, and could have done with that Priests help last Saturday. Among my interests, i love to have a little tickle on the nags,usually on the Sats tv races.Just for fun, overall i am quite lucky,but have the off days. Backed one at 20/1, it came in at half four!

Saturday night things were a bit gloomy at home, Mrs was moaning at my love of the nags, my darts, my football, golf, and all other leisures.
So to try and smooth things over, i booked a table for two, for 7 pm, but things went from bad to worse, by 10 pm She had not potted one ball!

[SEAMUS]

Hi L & H, sounds like you all had a good laugh, good job you never asked Michael to paint Harrys Porch!

Anyhow ,glad to see your getting shipshape again, after your skirmish with the unexpected!

Babs spent £35 having her hair dyed (streaks) last Saturday,if you saw the look on her face when i asked why the whole head was not done for that amount of money!

At least i dont have to spend that sort of money ,its dying on its own!

keep smiling.

Seamus.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Seamus, Michael the painter was a lovely guy, he just had a poor memory.
I mean, how can a painter turn up, forget the paint and have to return to his van, and then to return and forget the number of the door that he had to return to. I had to go looking for him.
Keep picking those winners out Seamus, and good luck. You're a brave man to risk your cash after the recent jockey's scandal.
After that, I trust them about as far as I could throw a grand piano.

[SEAMUS]

Hi L & H,Thank you for the advice, regards the Nags, but i dont go mad, and i keep records, im well up profit wise, from my hobby.

When i next have a big win,i will buy a grand piano, just in case!

Your mention of the scandal among Jockeys , reminded me of the following joke, which im sure ,if you have not heard it before, will see my point!

Paddy died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter, and asked St Peter what they were there for?

St Peter answered, they are Lie Clocks,...everyone on Earth has one here,...and when you Lie, the hands move!

Oh i see says Paddy, and pointing to a very lovely clock, asks St Peter who owns that one?

That belongs to Mother Teresa, and since She never told a Lie, the hands have never moved.
Thats incredible,says Paddy, and pointing to another big Clock, asks ,who owns that one?

St Peter replies,That one belongs to Abraham Lincoln ,and since he only Lied twice,the hands only moved twice!

Amazing, says Paddy, so please tell me , Where is Gordon Browns Clock?

St Peter replies, God keeps that one in his office ,He is using it as a fan!

[mariana44]

That's a good one , Seamus !!

[Marian]

I seem to remember this one, I believe the ending changes with whoever happens to be Prime Minister (or President) at the time.
Marian

[Lena & Harry Smith]

A similar Mae West joke about Hungarian actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, now with her present day husband and making it her 9th marriage.
......Wedding bells must sound like an alarm clock.

[SEAMUS]

This could only happen in Ireland.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of his impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strenght, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of Love from his devoted Wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his Wife with a wooden spoon, ..........

.........

........
B***** Off, She says, they are for after the funeral!


Seamus,

[Lena & Harry Smith]

so who knows Seamus, did he come down and spoil the surprise of the strychnine flavoured one that was on it's way up to him.

[SEAMUS]

Bejapers Lena , i hope my other half does not read your reply, She often makes me scones