Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

DEFICIT DECEPTION

Are we watching a revival of The Likely lads,
Bob and Terry up to their old tricks,
and hapless Jim Hacker
in Yes, Prime Minister,
getting himself in a frightful fix?

[keithgood838]

GIRL GUILE

A man and a young woman are involved in a head-on car accident.
Both vehicles are write-offs yet miraculously neither driver is hurt.
As they extricate themselves from the wreckage the man begins
to berate women drivers. The woman refuses to rise to the bait
of his chauvinist rant and instead remarks that they are lucky
to be unharmed, perhaps due to divine intervention, and points out
that even her bottle of wine is intact.
'I think it's a sign from God and He probably wants to have a drink
in celebration of our fortunate escape.'
She unscrews the bottle-top and hands the bottle to the man
who instantly swallows half the contents. He hands it back
whereupon the young woman replaces the cap.
'Aren't you having any?'
'No, I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Compliments of Ed.

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

Glad you were tickled by that one, Robert.
Hope you will also like the following:

BRISTOLS BLOCKBUSTER
(with supporting cast)

A man walked into the lingerie department of Macy's
and diffidently informed a lady assistant that he wanted
to purchase a bra for his wife.
'Which type? enquired the sales woman, matter-of-factly.
'There's more than one type? he asked shame-facedly.
'Look around,' she declared, with a sweeping gesture
indicating the vast array on display.
'Actually,' she added helpfully, 'there are only four types
from which to choose.'
Relieved, the man asked her to be specific.
'There's the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian
and Baptist models. Which would you prefer?'
Once more plunged into embarrassing bafflement, the poor guy
asked her to explain what the various differences were.
'It's all quite simple, really,' she asserted in her most reassuring voice.
'The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army one lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist model makes mountains out of molehills.
Have you ever wondered why the letters
A,B,C,D,DD, E, F, G, and H are used to define bra sizes?'
'No, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me.'

'A = Almost there
B = Barely there
C = Can't complain
D = Dang
DD = Double dang
E = Enormous
F = Fake
G = Get a reduction
H = Help, I've fallen and can't get up

Not forgetting the German version:
HOLTZEMFROMFLOPPEN'.

Wouldn't you just know
this post is the combined work of two
chauvinist, past-sell-by-date males?

[Marian]

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[keithgood838]

TRUMPED

By nimble Marian again
with a tale of memory loss
and motherly gain

[keithgood838]

MISAPPLIED MATERNAL ADMONISHMENTS
(yet another mouthful)

'If you don't straighten up,
I'll knock you into the middle of next week.'

'You'll get what for when your dad comes home'.

'I'll make you smile on the other side of your face.'

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

'Just look at the dirt on the back of your neck.'

'If I told you once I told you a million times,
don't exaggerate.'

'When you break your leg doing that,
don't come running to me.'

'One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out
just like you.'

Childhood reminiscences courtesy of Ed.

[keithgood838]

RAPID RESPONSE
(writ large)

During a felony trial in America a smart-alec lawyer
was trying to undermine a policeman's evidence:
'Did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
Officer: 'No sir, but I was subsequently given a description
of the offender running several blocks away.'
'Who provided that description?'
Officer: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
'Oh I see, your faith in your fellow officer is very touching.'
Officer: 'I trust my fellow officers with my life, sir.'
'With your life?' the lawyer sneered incredulously.
'Do you have a locker room at your place of work in which
you change into your uniforms?'
Officer: 'Yes, of course sir.'
'And do you have a security lock for your possessions?'
Officer: 'Yes.'
'And yet you assert that you trust your colleagues with your life?'
Officer: 'You see sir, we share the building with a court complex
and lawyers have been known
to walk through that room.'

True account courtesy of Ed.

[Marian]

Here's one for our Welsh friends..

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.
He arrived at Llanelli in Carmarthenshire Wales and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'.

Keep smiling

[ROBERT M.]

Working for the Council -

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b.a..l.s. There's no point in you coming in for that."

[Lena & Harry Smith]

He should have applied to our council Robert, he would have started at 12 pm.

[Sandra]

Like it Robert!

[Marian]

ha ha Robert... very true.

[keithgood838]

ROBERT RESILIENCE

Glad that your reaction
has been gritty
despite tribulations of Hull City,
and there is no substance
in the rumour
that they may have dulled
your sense of humour.

[ROBERT M.]

I felt a bit sad
when "city" turned bad
but with me being a clown
I don't like to feel down
I'll think of next season
because I'll have a reason
when we go back up
and "city" win the cup