Today's Joke

[Marian]

THE HAIRCUT




A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.


After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.


The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love the Dad's reply:





'Son, did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very good Marian, thanks for posting.

[keithgood838]

DEAFNESS DIALOGUE

An elderly woman was driving her husband
to the countryside when she was pulled over
by the traffic police.
An officer stepped from the patrol car
and quizzed the lady driver:
'Madam, did you know you were exceeding
the speed limit?'
'What did he say?' she demanded of her husband.
The husband shouted: 'He says you were speeding.'
'May I see your licence?' asked the officer.
'What did he say?' she snapped.
'He wants to see your licence,' shouted the husband.
She handed over the licence.
'I see you're from Birmingham,' the officer commented.
'I once spent some time there and had the worst sex
I've ever endured in my life.'
'What did he say? barked the woman.
The husband yelled: 'He thinks he knows you.'


DISH DECISION

A man decided to give his 88-year-old dad
a nice surprise by fixing a visit from a call-girl.
'Hi,' she greeted him cheerfully.
'I'm here to give you super sex.'
'Thanks,' replied the old man.
'I'll have the soup.'

[keithgood838]

PERPLEXING PRONUNCIATION

There is an entertaining readers' series being carried
by one of the broadsheets currently. It concerns
the misleading way in which some accents distort
vowel sounds. New Zealanders, bless 'em, figure prominently
in the correspondence. An Antipodean asked a friend:
'Have you got a pin?'
While the friend checked his apparel 'pointlessly' for a rogue
pin he was admonished:
'No, a pin, a pin to write with!'
A posh lady customer informed a shop assistant:
'I'm looking for clothing for a skite.'
'A skite,' echoed the disconcerted sales assistant.
'Yes, you know,' asserted the posh lady.
'Skites and brinies.'
In a previous incarnation of mine as a pen-pusher,
an internal auditor from New Zealand enquired of me:
'Was there a chick involved in this payment?'

[ROBERT M.]

SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN MANCHESTER


Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side.
Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a f*ckin' library!"

* * * *

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack—a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.


* * * *
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


* * * *
Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens' iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


* * * *
Be careful what you tell a blonde!
Blonde Phone Call

"Hi Mum. How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Home & Garden."
"Yes, we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"Arrested! What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this Caribbean woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

* * * *

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back: "Manchester United.”

And they say blondes are dumb.

* * * *


Never Lose Your Grandson!
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre the other day.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my granddad!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Granddad."
The guard smiled, then asked: "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Red wine, and women with big t1ts."

[ROBERT M.]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's-true!!!

[ROBERT M.]

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people....

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers –I delivered three newspaper rounds, seven days a week, I had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. There were two postal deliveries per day.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
Corona drink ( Cherryade) was delivered in glass bottles by lorry each week, and the empties returned.
.>
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!!!!!!!!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Thanks Robert, we have just received this from a friend, but yes, memories do come flooding back.

[ROBERT M.]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,

"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When
I say, 'Bell two' you jump on debed.
When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife
stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make luv!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAN, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"

[mariana44]

A lot of jokes there to catch up on--most of them ringing lots of bells for me.

I loved the "Fast Food" one--and the "Nine words" one. All sounding very familiar.!!

[Marian]

I agree Marian, many of the recent ones seem very familiar.

[keithgood838]

UNLEARNT LESSONS

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
They decided to make a nostalgic return visit to their alma mater.
To their surprise the school was unlocked, so they entered
and located the old desk they had shared, and on which Andy
had carved, 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way home a bag of money fell out of a passing armoured car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally scooped it up and being unsure
about what to do with it, they took it home.
There, they counted a total of fifty thousand dollars.
Andy announced: 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally retorted: 'Finders keepers.'
She put the notes back in the bag and hid it in the attic.
Next day two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood
in search for the money and knocked Andy and Sally's door.
'Pardon me,' said an officer, 'did either of you find a bag of money
that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'
'No,' replied Sally emphatically.
'She's lying,' insisted Andy. 'She hid it in the attic.'
'Don't believe him,' asserted Sally. 'He's senile.'
The agents turned to Andy and began questioning him.
One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'
'Well,' started Andy, 'when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday ...'
The first officer turned to his partner and declared:
'We're outta here!'

This clever joke comes courtesy of Ed.

[mariana44]

Does this one ring a bell, Ladies??

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping . . . . ..

[Marian]

A different version Marian, but the end is the same

[ROBERT M.]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.




A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.




Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' ........Hope this is a new joke