Today's Joke

[karl]

The Way Children See Things

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman inthe convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt"!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage, Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out my my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago"

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necesarily those of his parents"

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come of of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-yearold daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle"

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,!!! What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organizationthat delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins. I used to take my4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds, The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

[mariana44]

They were so funny Karl.

[Gray]

Brilliant, Karl.

Loved them.

[karl]

A Blonde's Year In Review

JANUARY
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

FEBRUARY
Fired from pharmacy for failing to print labels...
Helllooo!... bottles won't fit in printer!

MARCH
Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...
box said '2-4 years'

APRIL
Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out!

MAY
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions...
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

JUNE
Tried to go water ski-ing...couldn't find a lake with a slope

JULY
Lost breast stroke swimming competiton...learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

AUGUST
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...car swamped
because soft-top was open.

SEPTEMBER
The capital of California is 'C'...isn't it?

OCTOBER
Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!

DECEMBER
Couldn't call 911, 'duh'...there's no 'eleven' button
on the stupid phone!

[karl]

SIGNS.

Spotted in a toilet of a London office.

TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A London Department Store

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Office

WOULD THE PERSON WHOP TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In An Office

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside A Secondhand Shop

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in Health Food Shop Window

CLOSE DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in A Safari Park

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen During A Conference

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTRE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice In A Field

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE.
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message In A Leaflet

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On A Repair Shop Door

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[mariana44]

Very good again Karl-wonder who thinks them all up.

Although I feel sorry for that Blonde-she is getting blamed for everything !!!

[karl]

A litle woman called Mount Sinai hospital. She said, 'Mount Sinai Hospital?
Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding yoru patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!'

The voice on the other end of the line said, 'Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request.' Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, 'Are you the lady who is calling about one of our patients?'

She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.'

He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see, Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock.'

The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that, that's wonderful news!'

The guy on the other end said 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?'

She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing'.

[mariana44]

I know it is a joke--but I can relate to that--the doctors indeed tell you nothing !!

[karl]

T-Shirt Slogans

Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give A Clam (Seen On Cape Cod)

That's It! I'm Calling Grandma (Seen on an 8 year old)

Wrinkled Was Not One Of The Things I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up

Rehab Is For Quitters

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

I Have A Degree In Liberal arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

"Party - My Crib - Two A.M". (On a baby-size shirt)

FInally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15

All Men Are Idiots, And I Married Their King

West Virginia: One Million People, And 15 Last Names

Failure Is Not An Option, It Comes Bundled With The Software

A Hangover Is The Wrath Of Grapes

A Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Cash Advance

Stupidity Is Not A Handicap, Park Elsewhere

Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music

Police Station Toilet Stolen....Cops Have Nothing To Go On

Ham and Eggs - A Day's Work For A Chicken; a Lifetime Commitment For a Pig

Welcome To Kentucky - Set Your Watch Back 20 Years

The Trouble With Life Is There's No Background Music

If There Is No God, Who Pops Up The Next Kleenex?

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

My Wild Oats Have Turned To Shredded Wheat

Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences, He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't

[karl]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job,

The manager says, "Do you have and sales experience"

The kid says, "Yeah I was a salesman back home in Texas".

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down,

"How many sales did you make today"?

The kids says, "One"


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"


Kid says, $101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64 What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gong fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automative department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said. 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[keithgood838]

MOTH-EATEN MOTIVATION

A man and a woman are enjoying extra-marital relations
when she recognises the sound of a car stopping outside.
'Quick,' she urges her cuckolder companion,
'get out of bed fast.'
He dashes into the bathroom.
Moments later the woman's husband appears:
'What are you doing in bed? he enquires grumpily.
'Waiting for you, darling.'
His dark-clouds mood brightens:
'I'll just grab a shower and join you,'
he chirrups, rushing to the bathroom.
He opens the shower curtains and 'exposes'
a man hiding there.
'Who the hell are you? he thunders,
his mood once more plunged into gloom.
Confidently, the man assures him:
'Macpherson, Department of the Environment -
I'm investigating a plague of moths
and the epicentre appears to be your house.'
'A plague of moths,' explodes the husband,
'but you haven't got a stitch on!'
The man gazes at his nether regions and replies:
'The little devils!'

[Marian]

[ROBERT M.]

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

Lest there be any doubt, the philandering interloper
in the previous joke, on looking at his nether regions
and commenting 'the little devils' was of course
referring to the villains of the piece, the moths.

PEOPLE SAY SILLY THINGS

'I made a conscious decision.'
Is there another kind?

Throughout yesterday, on BBC London Today,
the lovely little Riz Lateef repeatedly
told us that the programme would include
a report on 'the courage and bravery
of the London Police' in dealing with the riots.
What's the difference?

On first being introduced to someone
in England and asked: 'How do you do?'
Bill Bryson said he felt like asking in return,
'How do I do what?'

On being thanked by someone for providing
assistance people say: 'Not at all.'

You have to laugh. Or else.