Today's Joke

[karl]

THE ARROGANCE OF AUTHORITY

A DEA Officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I Need To Inspect Your Ranch For Illegally Grown Drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there....". as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Officer verbally exploded saying "Mister, I Have The Authority Of The Federal Government With Me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See This F*****G Badge?! This Badge Means I Am Allowed To Go Wherever I Wish.... On ANY Land!! No Questions Asked Or Answers Given!!
Have I Made Myself Clear...Do You Understand?!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams. looked up. and saw the DEA Officer running for his life being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull....

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

"YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR F*****G BADGE...!"

[keithgood838]

TWO-MAN TWO-STEP

Hi Karl, it looks like it's you and me
alone on the dance floor;
I'm hoping the present wallflowers will
strut their cheering stuff once more;
so come on fellow-posters and take
the twinkle-toes chance,
join us in the lighthearted light fantastic dance.

LINGUISTIC LAUGH

I read in today's paper that Judy Murray
(Andy's mum) posted on Twitter a photograph
she took of the door to the ladies' loo
in the House of Lords, which reads: WOMEN PEERS.
Consequently she is now in trouble with Black Rod.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ah !! but did Andys mum remove the R & the S. from the door handle.

Anyway Keith after improvement with the cemented hip, I can now at least join you Two Fred Astairs for a slow waltz or a veleta, but forget "The Siege Of Ennis" or "The Gay Gordons " but here's a start

Ladies And Gentlemen, This is your captain speaking.
If you look out of the window on the port or left side of the aircraft, you will see the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing.
If you look out at the starboard or right wing of the aircraft you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.
If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and me.
This Has Been A Recorded Message.

[keithgood838]

Well done Lena & Harry; a flying start there I think,
albeit into the oblivion of the briny drink.

PERSISTENCE PERSONIFIED
(A gritty girl story)

As a trucker stops at a red light on a main street,
a blonde motorist catches up with him. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to the truck, and knocks
on the door. The trucker lowers the window whereupon
she exclaims: 'Hi, my name is Harriet. You are losing
some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds on his way.
When the truck stops again at another red light, the girl
catches up with him again; she leaps from her car
and knocks insistently on the cab door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window and as though they had made no
previous contact she says brightly: 'Hi, my name is
Harriet, and you are losing some of your load.'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues
down the street. At the third red light the ritual is repeated.
The blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door and announces breathlessly: 'Hi, I'm Harriet, and you
are losing some of your load.'
When the trucker stops at the next red light, he hurriedly
alights from the truck, runs back to the blonde's car
and knocks on her window. As she lowers it he declares:
'Hi, my name is Gary; it's winter and I'm driving
the [expletive deleted] gritter!'

[ROBERT M.]

...........they are either dumb blondes or...........Irish

[keithgood838]

Robert, your fellow Yorkshireman, Gray,
has been conspicuously absent from the forum
recently. I hope he is all right.

THE CROSS-TOWN LADY

An old lady saw a hippy leaning on a wall.
She approached him and enquired:
'Young man, do the cross-town buses
run all night?'
The hippy sang in response:
'Doodah, doodah.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

The Singing Cowboy scolding his pet kitten was asked....... Pardon Me Roy, Is That The Cat That Chewed Your New Shoe

[karl]

You're all working well today, good one's from both of you.

[keithgood838]

Nice apt musical one, L&H. Surely the awards season
is now in full swing:

Terry Wogan chaired the Oldie of the Year awards
at Simpson's-in-the-Strand last week. Appropriately,
he told a couple of old jokes:

A chap came home to find his wife wearing alluring lingerie:
'Tie me up,' she invites him, 'and do anything you like.'
So he tied her up and went to the pub.

After many years of marriage a wife calls for her husband
to come downstairs and make mad passionate love to her.
Having obliged he asks: 'What was that all about?'
'Oh,' she replies blithely, 'the eggtimer's broken.'

Tim Vine won a prize for the year's funniest joke
at the Loaded Laftas comedy awards on Thursday:
'Conjunctivitis.com - that's the site for sore eyes.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny Keith, and although I find very few of todays stand-up comedians funny, Tim Vine is the exception. He is witty and most of his lines are original.
Here's another couple that was in todays newspaper.... So I said to the train driver - I want to go to Paris, He said Eurostar ? I said, I've been on telly but i'm no Dean Martin.
Crime in Multi-story car parks . That is wrong on so many levels.
I saw this bloke chatting up a Cheetah. I thought, he's trying to pull a fast one

[ROBERT M.]

Tim Vine is one of the star characters in the very funny BBC sitcom Not Going Out

[Marian]

Tim Vine is Jeremy Vine's brother.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

I didn't know that Marian, and both seem of different character, but the same applies to Jonathan Ross and his brother Paul. I much prefer the latter.

[keithgood838]

LEXICAL LIBERTY-TAKING

To write with a broken pencil is - pointless.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles - UCLA

A dentist and a manicurist married - they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a - dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name - and a dress.

You are stuck in debt if - you can't budget.

A boiled egg is - hard to beat.

When you've seen a shopping centre - you've seen a mall.

The seismologist's opinion - was on shaky ground.

[karl]

Nice one's Keith!