Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

ROLES REVERSED

As work on the building of a brothel
opposite a church proceeded, the church
folk began a campaign of prayers and a petition
against its construction.
On the day it was due to open, a bolt of lightning
struck the brothel and burnt it to the ground.
The owner sued the church authorities, holding
the congregation responsible.
The church folk denied responsibility for any
connection between their prayers and the act of God.
'Hmmm,' muttered the judge, thoughtfully stroking his chin,
'this is difficult case on which to pass judgment.
On the one hand we have a brothel owner who believes
in the power of prayer, and on the other we have
an entire church congregation that doesn't.'

[karl]

A teacher was discussing holidays with her class.
One pupil asked the teacher where she had gone on holiday
"Ostend" she said so they stood.

[keithgood838]

HOMESPUN HOMILIES

(1) The nicest thing about the future
is that it always starts tomorrow.
(2) Money will buy a dog, but only kindness
will make it wag its tail.
(3) If you don't have a sense of humour
you probably don't have any sense at all.
(4) Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
(5) A good time to keep your mouth shut
is when you're in deep water.
(6) How come it takes so little time for a child
who is afraid of the dark to stay out all night.
(7) Business conventions are important because
they demonstrate how many personnel a company
can operate without.
(8) Why is is that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks.
(9) There are no new sins; the old ones get
more publicity these days.
(12) There are worse things than getting a wrong
number call at 4am. It could be a correct number.
(13) Think about this: no one ever says 'it's only a game'
when his team in winning.
(14) I've reached the age when the happy hour is a nap.
(15) Do you realise that in years to come thousands
of old ladies will be displaying tattoos and rap music
will be golden oldies?
(16) After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Marian]

Very true, and very good Keith

[Sandra]

Yes-great stuff Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Out of all of them Keith, the " Happy Hour" strikes the biggest cord

[keithgood838]

I agree L&H; nowadays I'm prone to a bit of afternoon shuteye.

SARNIE SAVVY

Two guys enter a pub, order a couple of pints
of the blonde in the black dress and sit at a table.
Then they each begin to tuck into their
homemade sandwiches with gusto.
'Hey,' shouts the barman, 'you can't eat
your own sandwiches in here.'
The guys exchange meaningful glances,
shrug, swap sandwiches, and continue
munching unconcernedly.

[keithgood838]

I'm praying that Saint Patrick has a typically well-developed
Irish sense of humour:

A young Irish lad stands crying at the side of the road.
A sympathetic villager enquires: 'What is the matter?'
'Me ma is dead.'
'Oh, that's awful altogether, do you want me to phone
Father O'Riley for you?'
'No tanks, mister, sex is the last ting on me mind.'

Lost over the lush landscapes (it's the rain, you know)
of Ireland, the pilot of a hot air balloon spies a farmer
in a field below and shouts:
'Where am I?'
The son of the soil look up disdainfully and asserts:
'You're in that feckin' basket!'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha, that's funny Keith.
Eileen my hairdresser was here today, and Harry thought as it's St Patrick's weekend he would put a bit of music on for her, a recording of the song "A Little Bit Of Heaven." Good gracious, I'm in shock, She'd never heard of it. !!!!

[keithgood838]

Hi L&H. God bless the lovely Eileen, however
I thought it impossible for any Irish person
to be unaware of 'A Little Bit of Heaven'.
It is such a standard folksong in Irish culture.
At least Eileen will be enriched by having
been introduced to it. I have been known to sing it
in Irish company, possibly even today.
The following is lighthearted rather than funny;
I have taken the liberty of giving the limerick a title:

SPRING IN STEP

When after Winter alarmin',
The Spring steps in so charmin',
So fresh and arch
In the middle of March
Wid her hand St Patrick's arm on ...

Alfred Perceval Graves (1846-1931)

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Would have loved to have heard you sing "A Little bit of Heaven" Keith. It is also a reminder of a medley of Four Irish songs that a dancing troupe including ..yours truly danced to at the St Pancras Town Hall with Jack Warner (evening all ) top of the bill. memories, memories

[keithgood838]

Imperishable reminiscences indeed, Lena.
Hope this sets the pulses racing:

THE NUNS' NIGHTMARE

Two nuns, Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical,
are returning to the Sisters of Mercy convent late one night.
SM: 'Sister, have you noticed that a fearsome-looking man
has been following us for the past 15 minutes?'
SL: 'It's logical; he wants to deprive us of our virginity.'
SM: 'Oh no!' At this rate he will soon catch us up.
What can we do?'
SL: 'It's only logical to walk faster.'
A little while later ...
SM: 'It's not working, and I'm getting very frightened.'
SL: 'Of course it's not working. He's started to walk faster, too.'
SM: 'So what shall we do? The stalker is about to reach us.'
SL: 'The only logical thing is to split up. You go that way
and I'll go this way - he can't follow both of us.'
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent
beside herself with worry about the fate of her colleague.
To her immense relief Sister Logical arrives soon afterwards.
SM: 'Sister, thank God you're here! Tell me what happened.'
SL: 'The logical thing happened. He couldn't follow both of us
so he followed me.'
SM: 'Yes, yes! But what happened then?'
SL: 'The logical thing happened. I lifted my habit.'
SM: 'Oh Sister! What did he do?'
SL: 'The logical thing. He dropped his trousers.'
SM: 'Oh no! Then what happened?'
SL: 'Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her skirts up
can run faster than a man with his trousers down.'

And for prurient Catholics reading this and expecting
the worst, say six Hail Marys.

[ROBERT M.]

Another very good one Keith

[keithgood838]

I hope you 'spoil a nice walk' occasionally, Robert.

GOLFING GIGGLES

A husband and wife are on the ninth green when suddenly
she collapses with what seems like cardiac arrest.
'Help me, dear,' she groans to her husband.
He calls 999 on his mobile, outlines the emergency,
then lines up his putt.
His incredulous wife growls at him from her prone position:
'I'm dying here and you're calmly putting.'
'Don't worry dear,' he assures her, 'they found a doctor
on the second green and he's coming to help you.'
'How long will it take him to get here?'
'No time at all, everybody's agreed to let him play through.'



A gushy reporter asserted to Phil Mickelson:
'Your name is synonymous with great golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?'
Mickelson replied sardonically:
'The holes are numbered.'



Police are called to an address and find a woman
holding a bloody five-iron while standing over
a lifeless man.
The detective enquires: 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'
'Yes.'
'Did you hit him with that golf club?'
'Yes, yes I did,' replies the sobbing woman as she drops
the club and puts her hands to her face.
'How many times?'
'I don't know - four, five, six, maybe seven.
Put me down for a five.'



A young man and a priest are playing together.
At the par three the priest asks:
'What club are you going to use on this hole, my son?'
'An eight-iron Father, how about you?'
'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'
The young man hits a smart approach and lands it on the green.
The priest tops his seven-iron and the ball travels a few yards.
The young man comments:
'Father in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'

[keithgood838]

ACCOUNTABLE AFFAIRS

(No1) Deceit Deflected

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary - no surprise there.
One day they spent the afternoon making love
at her apartment. Exhausted, they fell asleep
and didn't wake up till 8pm.
He dressed hurriedly and asked his partner-in-infidelity
to rub dirt and grass on his shoes in the communal garden.
He was accosted by his irate wife upon arriving home:
'Where have you been?' she demanded crossly.
'I can't lie to you,' he admitted, 'I'm having an affair
with my secretary and we've been making love all afternoon.'
She stared at his shoes suspiciously and exploded:
'You lying toad! You've been playing golf!'

(No 2) Maternity Masquerade

A middle-aged couple had given birth to two beautiful
daughters, but always yearned to have a son.
They decided to try one last time to make their family
complete. To their surprised delight the wife got pregnant
and duly delivered a healthy baby boy.
The father, however, was dismayed by the sight of the ugliest
child he had ever clapped eyes on.
'There is no way I can be the father of that baby,'
he angrily asserted to his wife.
'Look at the lovely daughters I fathered. Have you been
fooling around behind my back?'
She threw him a conspiratorial smile:
'No, not this time.'



PS More of this series to follow; watch this space.