Today's Joke

[Marian]

Funny Keith!

[karl]

Another Gem From Australia

TWO BUSINESS MEN

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth
were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be-new shop...

As yet the shop wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
is going to walk by,
put their face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
when, sure enough,
a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
"Must be doing well....
Only two left."

[Marian]

Good one Karl!

[keithgood838]

Keep 'em comin' Karl, the last one is indeed a gem.

INCLEMENT IRONY

It is priceless how Mother Nature's powers
bring blushes to the sheepish face of man:
the drought-hit south-east welcomes April's showers
though she comes arms-linked with a hosepipe ban.
A guarantor of refreshment for flowers
is an April water-saving plan.

[karl]

Firstly I apologise to anyone recently bereaved as I normally shy away from jokes to do with death or funerals but this one is quite funny.

CARDI0LOIGIST FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked in for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said 'I'm so sorry, I was just thiniing of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted.

[keithgood838]

Very funny, Karl. Some of the best humour derives,
paradoxically, from death and dying. Remember the
hilarious Dave Allen sketches on the subject?
He said that as a youngster in Ireland he thought
the prayer went: 'In the name of the Father,
and of the Son, into the hole he goes.'

FLUCTUATING FORTUNES

Sport is a very fickle mistress,
she veers from bestowing unbridled joy
to inflicting near-disasters,
to wit: the melting away of messrs Woods
and McIlroy's expectations in The Masters,
like mist in morning sun.
Though in the case of Woods's relation to her,
no graphic metaphor is needed
to illustrate why he was undone.

[keithgood838]

EXCRUCIATING ENCOUNTERS

The grim reaper visited me last night;
I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner -
talk about Dyson with death.

I woke last night to find Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed -
at first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing over a week now;
police have told me to prepare myself
for the worst - so I went to the charity shop
to retrieve all of her clothes.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being
addicted to brake fluid - on the plus side
he reckons he can stop at any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay
some flowers, when I noticed four grave diggers
walking about aimlessly with a coffin.
Three hours later they were still there. I thought
to myself: 'They've lost the plot.'

Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought
it would be a good Korea move.

While out driving this morning I saw an RAC van
parked up. The patrolman was sobbing uncontrollably.
I said to myself: 'That guy is heading for a breakdown.'



PS Forgive me fellow forum members,
for I know not what I do.

[karl]

Now that I know you're a mucky lot I can get up the nerve to post this joke I printed out and filed in 2002.

WHY PEOPLE CHANGE NAMES

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for travelling faster then the posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and writes him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the name. "Fred," he replies.

"|Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decidedd to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.

She gave me VD. So, now I Was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. The the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.

[keithgood838]

Droll one Karl; I started chuckling at the mention
of the name Dingaling. We're not a mucky lot -
we merely have a broadminded sense of humour.

COMPROMISING CONSEQUENCES

Prior to trumpeting far-reaching fiscal changes,
perhaps it makes sense to seek words of sagacity
and then heed them
thus precluding snagged-up lines where policy ranges;
but where is sapient Sir Humphrey
when you need him?

[Eman]

Karl, I know that "doctor" but the one I know is in the wrong profession..

[karl]

THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young childrenone warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of me stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was relling from the shock, I heard my 5-year old shyout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4 came screamng out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush, He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago".

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not neceassarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying to get the ketchup to come of out of the jar. During her struggle the phone ran so she asked her 4-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle".

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,!!! "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look at what I found", the boy called out." "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

[Eman]

Karl, you're on a roll!! Love it!!

[karl]

THE GOLDEN URINAL

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a 'get acquanited' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom. When he entered the toilet, he was astronished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think" he said. "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't get something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hilary at her tour of the White House, she told Hilary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hilary were getting ready for bed, Hilary smiled, and said to Bill "I found out who pissed in your saxophone".

[keithgood838]

Karl, I wish to be associated with Eman's comment.
I particularly like the way the generation gap
is bridged in the What Children Say jokes. It has
the ring of 'tooth' about it.
And they say Friday the 13th is unlucky.

[keithgood838]

HEARING HALLELUJAH

In a Tottenham church one Sunday morning
the preacher asked of his congregation:
'Would anyone with special needs who wishes
to be prayed for, please come forward.'
Leroy joined the queue and when his turn came
the preacher asked: 'Leroy, what is it about you
we should pray for?'
'Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.'
The preacher put his finger in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on Leroy's head, and earnestly invoked
the Lord's help, in which supplication the congregation
joined enthusiastically.
After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and enquired:
'How is your hearing now, Leroy?'
'I don't know; it ain't till Thursday.'