Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Welcome back Karl, we greatly missed
your comic contributions.

LAUGHTER LINES

One hundred and five hilarious pages
and computer counting;
postings not taking boring ages
as the comic gems keep mounting,
courtesy of bonnie Scots lass, Anna,
whose idea bore heavenly manna.

[karl]

Well Keith all I can say is watch this space as I found some prior to my trip that I'd forgotten I had. I only hope now that I'm back I find them again!!!!

[keithgood838]

We all hope they will come to light, Karl.
However I'm aware of the problem - I tend
to put stuff away for safe keeping only
to discover they it so safe I cannot find it.

[karl]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say - a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....
'Circumcised' (this is pricelss!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quiet embarassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find in sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[keithgood838]

Very droll, Karl. The unkindest cut of all
becomes a priceless appendage joke.

READING NOT FISHING
(A Stevie Smith adapted title)

One afternoon a husband returns a boat to their rented
lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing. Feeling
a little jaded by his exertions he decides to take a nap.
Unfamiliar with the rules of the lake, however, his wife
decides to venture out in the boat herself. She motors
a short distance, drops anchor, puts her feet up and proceeds
to read a book, while marvelling at the tranquillity and
solitude of the peaceful environment. Life then intervenes
with typical perversity, in the form of a Fish and Game
warden in his launch:
'Good morning madam,' he greets her in fake bonhomie.
'What are you doing?'
'Hello,' she thinks disparagingly, 'a descendant of Einstein's.'
'I'm reading, isn't it obvious?'
'You're in a restricted area,' he informs her sternly.
'I'm sorry but I'm reading, not fishing.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment; for all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up.'
'If you do that I'll sue you for sexual assault,'
she counters through gritted teeth.'
'But I haven't even touched you,' he asserts impatiently.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment; for all I know
you could start at any moment.'
Conceding abject defeat to her womanly wiles he declares:
'Have a nice day,' and meekly departs the scene.

[karl]

[Eman]

Keith... , you make me smile!!

[keithgood838]

Hi Eman,
A smile exercises more of those
facial muscles than a frown;
and stops fortune's slings and arrows
from getting one down.

Karl, your most recent rib-tickler reminded
me of a joke in similar vein:

DISASTROUS DISMEMBERMENT

A husband was involved in a major car accident
and woke up in hospital.
'I'm afraid it's bad news,' intoned the surgeon gravely.
'You have lost your reproductive protruberance.'
(I've cleaned that up for propriety's sake.)
The patient is horrified and on the verge of tears.
'Actually,' said the surgeon in his most reassuring
bedside tones, 'all is not lost.'
'It is as far as I am concerned,' bewailed
the deflowered amputee.
'What I mean is we can provide a transplant procedure
at the cutting (sorry) edge of modern medical development.
However, it is very expensive and comes (honi soit qui
maly pense) in a variety of sizes. Of course you will need
to discuss the whole matter with your wife for whom it
will have far-reaching (there you go again!) circumstances.'
The surgeon returns to the man's bedside later that day
and enquires brightly:
'Well, what have you decided?'
'We're getting a new car.'

[karl]

As we're on this subject here's oenof the jokes I found priot to my holiday Keith, it was emailed to me in 2002.

"20 Ways To Tell Someone Your Fly Is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pnk Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson, Paging Mr. Johnson.

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Ha!

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Haines is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hilary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see yer nuts.

[ROBERT M.]

I like number 5 Karl ............ You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hilary."

[Marian]

I like the story Russell Watson tells (true) that he began once singing at the start of his concert and the first few rows began enthusiastically pointing with both hands, and he thought how well he was doing that night. It wasn't till he was well on into second song, when he suddenly realised his flies were open!

[karl]

BLONDE COOK BOOK DIARY

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made Angel Food Cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda silly, but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which isi what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe, when I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger. Such a disappoinment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger over I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose!

[keithgood838]

Some tasty humorous titbits there, Karl.

RUBBISH RIBALDRY

Soon after Barnet council outsourced waste disposal
to a company called MAY GURNEY (tis true) a local
resident phoned the council:
'I want to complain about your waste disposal facility
in Summers Lane.'
'You need to speak to May Gurney.'
'Okay, please put me through to her.'

[karl]

MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL ANSWERING MACHINE

Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...."

If you are obessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiplel personalities, press 3. 4. 5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a smal voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If iyou are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget
with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, addres, telephone number, date of birth, social secutiry number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, law down and cry. You wont be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any button, you'll just mess it up.

I must add no dis-respect is intended for anyone who has suffered any symptoms - Karl

[Eman]

you guys make me laugh!!