WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a high school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children , decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. So NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
Today's Joke
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
A very chuckle-inducing one, Karl. 
It reminds me of the story about the old guy
who kept using the word 'manure' in company.
Someone suggested to his family that
they should get him to say 'fertilizer'.
'Are you kidding?' they replied.
'It's taken us years to get him to say 'manure'.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
My pigeon-fancier friend, Charlie (I confess to being
a bird-fancier on occasions), sold is homing pigeon
23 times last month on eBay.
It reminds me of the story about the old guy
who kept using the word 'manure' in company.
Someone suggested to his family that
they should get him to say 'fertilizer'.
'Are you kidding?' they replied.
'It's taken us years to get him to say 'manure'.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
My pigeon-fancier friend, Charlie (I confess to being
a bird-fancier on occasions), sold is homing pigeon
23 times last month on eBay.
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
Great stories Karl and Keith , a reminder of my Brother at quite a young age who had just come home after being out for a few hours...( as we kids did in those days ) and burst into the room to eagerly tell us what a mess they've made of Trafalgar Square. My mother said Oh god what's that, and with a big smile said the pigeons have s..t all over it, but a swift move from my mum soon wiped the smile off his face
, a reminder of my Brother at quite a young age who had just come home after being out for a few hours...( as we kids did in those days ) and burst into the room to eagerly tell us what a mess they've made of Trafalgar Square. My mother said Oh god what's that, and with a big smile said the pigeons have s..t all over it, but a swift move from my mum soon wiped the smile off his face Re: Today's Joke
Yes, mums are good at doing that!!!! 
By the way I think I have shared almost my entire joke file with you all over the past few months so my friends abroad better hurry up and send me some new one's!
By the way I think I have shared almost my entire joke file with you all over the past few months so my friends abroad better hurry up and send me some new one's!
Re: Today's Joke
That is brilliant Keithkeithgood838 wrote:
My pigeon-fancier friend, Charlie (I confess to being
a bird-fancier on occasions), sold is homing pigeon
23 times last month on eBay.
...............I'm a bird fancier too, but not the feathered variery "My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Thanks Robert; at times like those I am reminded
of the Carpenters' song title: I Can Dream Can't I?
LAST LAUGH LOVE
Joe advises his friend, Paddy:
'Close your curtains when you make love
to your wife. The whole street was watching
and laughing at you yesterday.'
'Well,' replies Paddy triumphantly,
'the joke's on them; I wasn't even at home yesterday!'
of the Carpenters' song title: I Can Dream Can't I?
LAST LAUGH LOVE
Joe advises his friend, Paddy:
'Close your curtains when you make love
to your wife. The whole street was watching
and laughing at you yesterday.'
'Well,' replies Paddy triumphantly,
'the joke's on them; I wasn't even at home yesterday!'
Re: Today's Joke
Keith, didn't I post that one a month or two back? It's certainly in my file and a recent addition at that.
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
Another good one
Re: Today's Joke
This Is For Keith I Know He Will Appreciate It.
PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my deck is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my deck is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Thanks Karl, but I was about to post the Paraprosdokians
joke myself when I remembered that the winsome Marian
posted it some time ago. In a cornucopian thread like
this one some recycling in inevitable. Funny ones can bear
repetition and are often fresh to new members.
Fortunately the following attempt at humour doesn't fit into
that category because I have only just written it.
PRETENTIOUS PRESENTATION
I recently had cause to look up the London weather
ahead of our Saturday golf society get-together
and it dolefully read: '70 per cent precipitation.' Precipitation!
It certainly precipitated my dismay and usage indignation.
A dismal outlook matched by an excess of rhetoric.
According to my Chambers dictionary the verb, 'precipitate',
which begets that upstart abstract noun, means:
'To hurl headlong, to force into hasty action,
to condense and fall as rain, hail or snow.'
I want to know if it will rain, not whether the storm god
is bent on hurling snow, sleet or the proverbial ton of bricks
down on my undeserving head. I do not need high-flown semantics.
Mr Yahoo contrarily chooses not to use the right word of one syllable
when an imprecise five-syllable one will do the trick.
Keith Good
joke myself when I remembered that the winsome Marian
posted it some time ago. In a cornucopian thread like
this one some recycling in inevitable. Funny ones can bear
repetition and are often fresh to new members.
Fortunately the following attempt at humour doesn't fit into
that category because I have only just written it.
PRETENTIOUS PRESENTATION
I recently had cause to look up the London weather
ahead of our Saturday golf society get-together
and it dolefully read: '70 per cent precipitation.' Precipitation!
It certainly precipitated my dismay and usage indignation.
A dismal outlook matched by an excess of rhetoric.
According to my Chambers dictionary the verb, 'precipitate',
which begets that upstart abstract noun, means:
'To hurl headlong, to force into hasty action,
to condense and fall as rain, hail or snow.'
I want to know if it will rain, not whether the storm god
is bent on hurling snow, sleet or the proverbial ton of bricks
down on my undeserving head. I do not need high-flown semantics.
Mr Yahoo contrarily chooses not to use the right word of one syllable
when an imprecise five-syllable one will do the trick.
Keith Good
Re: Today's Joke
Keith most of the jokes I get come from Sydney, Melbourne or Adelaide as did my last post!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
ACADEMIC ASININITY
(Answers to questions set in last
year's GCSE examinations)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain a process by which water
is made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation, because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines on the leaves
and makes them sweat.
Q: What is meant by the term, 'caesarean section'?
A: It is a district in Rome.
Q:What guarantees may a mortgage company
insist on?
A: If you are buying a house they will demand
that you are well-endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for securing carpets on stairs.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emporer.
Q: What does benign mean?
A: What you will be after you are eight.
(Answers to questions set in last
year's GCSE examinations)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain a process by which water
is made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation, because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines on the leaves
and makes them sweat.
Q: What is meant by the term, 'caesarean section'?
A: It is a district in Rome.
Q:What guarantees may a mortgage company
insist on?
A: If you are buying a house they will demand
that you are well-endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for securing carpets on stairs.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emporer.
Q: What does benign mean?
A: What you will be after you are eight.
Re: Today's Joke
Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning,
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!'.
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morningm let along 'Happy
Birthday.!
I thought......well, that;s marriage for you, but the kids.....they will
remember,
My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed that meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day......
we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake....followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there......
On the couch......
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning,
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!'.
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morningm let along 'Happy
Birthday.!
I thought......well, that;s marriage for you, but the kids.....they will
remember,
My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed that meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day......
we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake....followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there......
On the couch......
Naked.
Last edited by karl on Sun Jul 08, 2012 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Today's Joke
LOL Keith, you crack me up!! Though it is sad that some kids really do think like that!!
Re: Today's Joke
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takea a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Quantas Airlines: Repair Division
After every flightm Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheet before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual mainenance comlaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the wa,Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost need replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed onthis aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction levers are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed targer radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Quantas Airlines: Repair Division
After every flightm Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheet before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual mainenance comlaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the wa,Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost need replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed onthis aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction levers are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed targer radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.